Kate
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Agree, you took a vow to this person, and I believe that includes not sharing personal info about their sexual behavior, medical or mental health info, etc without their knowledge or comfort. Unless you’re in danger, I do think you’re obligated to respect their privacy.
No, it’s not terrible, it’s just not a great idea. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it, and that’s okay, but it’s an invasion of your spouse’s privacy and it leaves them with that bad impression of your spouse.
ETA, yeah, I actually do think it’s kind of terrible to complain about them behind their back to people who know them.
Yeah, honestly, what is to be gained by complaining to your friends about your sex life other than a sympathetic ear? Are they going to be able to tell you how to fix it?
Whereas if you were to discuss it with your spouse, you might be able to find solutions. And one of you might have health insurance that covers some sessions with a counselor. And then you haven’t compromised your spouse’s privacy.
Even strangers on the internet are a lot more likely to be able to help with these kinds of issues than your friend, and you can keep it anonymous.
To the LW, I think you need to come clean about your snooping, why you did it, and how you felt about what you found, and that you’d like to work with him to figure out what the problems are in your marriage and how to fix them. Is it hard? Yes. Is there work to be done? Also yes. But I promise you that if you just try to sweep this under the rug and not address it, your marriage is definitely going to fall apart eventually.
Just chiming in to say my divorce at 28 would have cost only a few hundred dollars (no lawyer needed, just filing fees), because we didn’t own any property or have kids.
There was a complication when I bought a condo from my parents before we were fully divorced. He could have contested that, so a payout was needed for his share of the equity. That’s when things can get $$.
I actually don’t think it’s that normal or healthy to vent about your spouse to your friends. Do people do it? Sure. Is it a good idea? No. Vent to your therapist or divorce lawyer. Or to your spouse, actually!
The problem with airing your dirty laundry outside a marriage is you are intending to be with that person for a lifetime, in a partnership. If you’re regularly bitching to everyone around you, it can be a real invasion of the spouse’s privacy, and also taint people’s opinions of them going forward in a way that might not even be fair, and that YOU might not want. It also frankly burdens your friends or family members who you’re doing it to. It can be too much.
People should be dealing with these problems directly, imo, rather than gossiping to friends. Or leave if it’s that bad.
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