kmtthat
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I’ll bring the tacos 🙂
A thing that helped me what just accepting where I was at emotionally and logically knowing it would be better. Like, how I would get through a panic attack…yes it feels horrible, yes, there’s no way to make it stop this second, but you’ll be on the other side at some point so you just ride it out. I think it’s a good thing that you are crying and allowing yourself to feel what you are instead of numbing it out with booze, drugs, Tinder dates, sex, cake, etc. It’s more intense to just ride the wave, but you move on better and faster in the end.
Newness is always hard especially when its out of the blue/forced. But the more pieces of your life you do that are new/without him, the more you will feel like you’re moving on.
Stay strong, this too shall pass.
I’m back from two weeks of vacation and caught up with this thread – HOLY HELL ALE I’m so sorry! I agree that splitting from the gym is a great call. It sounds like you were really invested in this guy. My ex was a man-child too and acted helpless for many things, leaving me as the adult/mom figure. And then he cheated, and it was salt on the wound of realizing that I had been doing way too much for too long for someone who didn’t appreciate me. I’m so glad you’ve found your anger in this and will no longer blame yourself. I found the anger was the hardest thing for me to let go of – not only anger towards the guy but also towards myself. I encourage you to be kind to yourself in any way possible (spa day, your fav snack, puppy cuddling). You deserve kindness right now more than anything.
As for me, vacation went amazingly! Got to meet a lot of bf’s friends from his MBA program, spent a lot of time getting to know his parents better, ate/drank everyting, and I did also get up the nerve to tell my bf I loved him (in our private hot tub, in Santorini, as we drank wine and watched the sunset). Of course he told me he had been trying to find the right time to tell me while in Santorini too as he thought he botched the first kiss so he wanted the first I love you to be really romantic. At one point in our trip I was literally so happy (and erm drunk) I cried. We’re going on 6 months next week and while I don’t want to be an idiot and overthink it, I really feel like this is going the right way.
@Copa doesn’t hurt to reach out casually and say “hey, just wondering how you’re doing. Would be great to see you again soon if you’re feeling up for it” Sucks that it may just be bad timing for him to date.
Ale it sounds like you’re doing everything you should be right now, and eff him for wanting to be friends again straight off. I’m only friends with one ex, and it was a. my first bf so we have that “grew up together” thing and mutual friends and b. we had a lot of time after dating of no contact before we restarted our friendship. I think if you can’t see that person with someone else and for your first instinct to be genuinely happy for them and to be sincerely unfazed, then friendship isn’t possible. He needs to respect your space to move on.
I’m busy packing for my trip tomorrow and SO EXCITED!
I third that Ale… I mean, if he’s feeling guilty ok, pay you back as a sign of remorse. Glad you are building as much radio silence as you can, it will help you move on sooner and take the sting away. I’m proud of you for doing what you need to, to take care of yourself!
Can I sidebar? Two weeks ago my bf and I went to a really fancy brunch spot to meet up with friends (the kind of place that requires a reservation). My bf and I were the first to arrive and are very affectionate, and we went up to the host stand and checked in. We went to the front to wait for our friends, and as my friends walked in, my aforementioned ex came storming out of the restaurant very quickly looking mad. I haven’t seen him in over a year, so I took one look and literally ran the other way. My bf pretty quickly figured out what happened as the ex took off walking down the street. We all went in and had a fantastic brunch. The thing is, no one goes to a place like that alone and if you go to a restaurant with someone you generally leave with them. So I think he must have seen me with my tall, handsome bf and decided he wanted to leave right away and left whomever he was with there with to sort out the check. I also later realized it was his birthday. So, I think I ruined his birthday brunch. And thus, a year later, I won.
Ale, you may get your really belated revenge someday. I sure did.
Ugh, I found out my ex was cheating right after I totally paid for and booked a vacation for us to celebrate his 30th birthday. So what I’m hearing from all of this is…don’t date the type of loser dudes that would let you pay for an entire vacation. Ever.
Meanwhile I owe current bf somewhere around $2500 for our Euro trip since he did all the bookings and he’s like “eh, focus on paying off your credit card first then pay me, we’ll be together for a long time and I know you’re good for it, so I’d rather you be happy than stress.” I’m very insistent and have laid out a clear timeline on paying back but it still feels super weird. But SO mad for you Ale. Fuck. That. Dude.
@MissDre on the knowing when it’s love versus infatuation, I guess I know that I fall quickly and for me it’s telling the difference between “I have love for this person” (which I do for most of my close friends and express easily and often) versus “I’m IN love with this person.” “Have love for this person” for me is enjoying their company, respecting them, wanting to be there for them, feeling emotional intimacy. Being “in love” is trickier and I wait for the intense infatuation to simmer down a bit and for the calm, steady feeling. The feeling of having fun even when we are doing absolutely nothing, or not feeling weird telling them about my cramps, or talking about my past and what I hope for the future with them. Being able to be myself totally, and for them to be as well, and feeling like it’s easy and fits in a way that it never did with anyone else. That being said, I guess I’ve been afraid and waited a long time to say it even if I felt it to protect myself and it did’t prevent me form being hurt, so I see no harm in being honest about where I am now.
Also Copa I’ve found that guys would sometimes unmatch me once we started dating (so I wasn’t able to see their other activity/didn’t want to be tempted to check mine) or because they had deleted their account. So, it’s totally random as to why and doesn’t necessarily mean ghosting.
I’m leaving for the U.K. in three days, and then a week later to Greece! I’m feeling nervous that I’ve decided to tell bf that I love him when we are in Greece. I feel pretty sure he feels the same way, and also feel ok if he doesn’t say it back yet because I feel really secure in his feelings for me. The last time I told someone I loved them (after a year of dating!) their response was “I don’t think you can know if you love someone for at least two years.” So really hoping it doesn’t go as shitty as that!
Oh Ale, I’m so sorry! I know right now you are going to focus on what you think you did wrong or could have done better, but I agree with others in saying if it wasn’t working it wasn’t the right fit. Please don’t beat yourself up on shoulda woulda couldas, just try to get some space to sort out your feelings and practice self care even when you don’t want to. You’re going through a big shock right now and I promise, when time is inching by it’s excruciating, but you’ll wake up one day and it will be a year from now and you’ll be in a much better place. Vent to us, vent to friends, vent to a therapist. Sending you all the positive vibes.
Aww Copa, I’m sure just knowing your there if he needs you is a big help. People all deal with grief differently, so just follow his lead.
@veritek33 I’m glad things have been flirty and fun, and that you’re going into things cautiously. There can be plenty of reasons why a person is more interested the second time around, what matters is how you feel and what he’s showing you. Good that your dad is back home! I’m sure that’s a relief 🙂
Hmm, the how we’re compatible versus not is us both being very logical and liking to prep for any issues ahead of time when possible (so for example, we’re going to Europe next week and we talked a lot about how we like to spend vacation time, e.g. mostly planned or more unplanned? Fancy restaurants or more local street food?) So trying understand each other before issues arise so we can be considerate of each other’s boundaries/preferences. Since this argument, we agreed if one of us cooks, the other person cleans regardless of whose house we’re at, to work as a team if one of us needs helps, and he owns that he needs to be way more considerate of when and how we talk about things. If he had said “hey babe, looks like you’ve had a crazy week and the kitchen is pretty stinky. Mind if I help you clean it up a bit really quick?” things would have been a lot better. He’s not generally critical but idk, the kitchen was the hill he wanted to die on. If he wasn’t so considerate the vast majority of time I’d be more worried, but for now I think things are good.
As for marriage and kids it is 100% him bringing stuff up shyly and hoping not to scare me off (he’s always been a full step ahead of me, like was ready to be bf/gf before I was, and was wanting to introduce me to his parents early on). I think I’m sort of struggling with it a bit as every guy I’ve dated had huge commitment issues that I could hide behind, and now that I’m dating someone who is very clear that he can see this heading for marriage I’m a little more nervous because it’s an actual possibility.
Anyway, I love this thread, I feel like I have the collective wisdom of the hive and you guys make me think about thing carefully 🙂
Yeah, which is why I got really really pissed. He then really did genuinely try to help once he realized he was being an ass (and is usually happy to jump in) but at that point I was annoyed and just wanted him out of the way so I could do it. He’s been bringing up the future (marriage, kids, etc) lately so there’s a lot of conversations about how we are compatible and how we aren’t etc. so he took it and went OMG is this going to be how it would be? I think people tend to have a perception that if you work from home you have plenty of time for housework but if anything I have less time, because work hours blur into personal time way more.
All that said, he’s cooking me dinner right now and is generally awesome, but it’s definitely something I’m keeping my eye on. And 100%, I would still get a maid! Working crazy jobs, it’s a huge help and takes a lot of pressure off of a relationship.
OMG Taco Guy can cook too? Positive vibes for sure!! And I’ve always wanted to do the river kayaking (and enjoy a good workout) so definitely going to look into it when I’m back from Greece!
MissDre I may have squealed a litte bit, congrats!
Nothing new over here, just getting ready to head to my cousin’s wedding this Friday on the East coast. My bf will be meeting my family for the first time so I’m pretty excited (my mom is already prepared to adore him). My dad and one of my brothers can’t make it, but he’ll be meeting some aunts and cousins he would never get to meet otherwise since my whole family is very spread out and doesn’t really get together for the holidays anymore.
We did get into a pretty big fight as he came over and I had just finished a 13 hour work day during a super busy week and my kitchen was atrocious. I am just not a great housekeeper when work gets crazy, and when I live alone my tolerance is very high for mess. He came over and was really upset (dirty kitchens “stress him out”) and said some comments that implied that it could be a problem for our future together since he is fussy about the kitchen. I was angry as his timing and approach were terrible and it made me feel judged and pissy when I was totally worn out. I told him that should we live together at some point, I would be more on top of things and hire a maid as I did in my last relationship (current bf and I can more than afford it but he was not into that idea). And for the time being I’d be more on top of it or we could hang at his place when I wasn’t, but it wasn’t fair to make me feel like he’s expecting me to be perfect, when I’m pretty lenient about him forgetting to do things that I’ve asked several times (e.g. buy new laundry detergent as the new one he uses I am allergic to). He said I am mean when I fight (I don’t yell, call names, etc. but I do point out where he’s wrong and patterns I see, which he doesn’t like). Thankfully we rarely fight and when we do, we come out of it feeling like we understand each other better/have resolved things but man, honeymoon period is over lol.
