MissD

@Copa yeah he always told me he didn’t like being on Facebook (which is fair enough, I know a number of people who feel the same way and aren’t on there) so he just created an empty account so he could use Tinder.

But I did eventually find his REAL Facebook and when I asked him about it he told me it’s only for his house flipping side business and he doesn’t use it for anything personal.

I couldn’t say whether or not he was in another relationship. I never caught him in a lie, but just the fact that I felt so much anxiety and actually went LOOKING for ways to prove everything he was saying, was a clear sign that something was not right and my instinct was trying to warn me.

I got this email/newsletter from Evan Marc Katz today and I really liked what he said. I feel like a lot of LWs could use this advice. He talks mainly about chemistry but I think this applies to a lot of issues:

Dear Dre,

The other day, I had a semi-profound thought I want to share with you.

Breaking up is the MOST IMPORTANT skill you need to have in dating.

So much time is spent on how you can lose weight or color your hair or use these 7 mind-blowing sex tips, that the art of breaking up is utterly lost upon you.

I get emails from women who have stayed in relationships not just months, but YEARS too long, which only goes to reinforce my point.

Refusing to break up with the wrong guy is the single biggest reason that you find yourself single.

Just think about how different your life would look if you got out of that four-year relationship when you knew it was wrong after six months.

Just think about how many new men you could have met on OkCupid if you didn’t spend the last eight months having sex with a guy who was never your boyfriend.

Just think about how many potentially great first dates you passed up by staying committed to the man who was always a bad communicator.

Just think.

In today’s newsletter, I’m going to do something I rarely do: I’m going to address a reader question about breaking up, just to illustrate the importance of this topic.

A lot of your work is about how to get the guy; things we ladies can do to so that we have more options when it comes to dating and we don’t have to settle. My break-up question is more of the reverse: how long should we date a man that we have iffy feelings for? 3 dates? 6 weeks?

I’ve been opening myself up to meeting many different kinds of men and while I enjoy it on one hand, I feel like the majority of the men I’m dating I’m just not that into. Maybe the chemistry isn’t quite there, or the compatibility is lacking.

I have continued to meet and date other men while feeling this unsureness with some of my dates. Some of the men self-select out but others clearly want something more. How long should I give it a go?

Okay, Dre, now flip the genders and answer the question.

Let’s say an attractive man asks:

I’ve been opening myself up to meeting many different kinds of women and while I enjoy it on one hand, I feel like the majority of the women I’m dating I’m just not that into. Maybe the chemistry isn’t quite there, or the compatibility is lacking.

I have continued to meet and date other women while feeling this unsureness with some of my dates. Some of the women self-select out but others clearly want something more. How long should I give it a go?

What do you advise this nice, earnest man who wants to be open to different types, give women like you a chance, and doesn’t want to hurt anyone?

Do you tell him to take you out 3 times to see if a spark suddenly develops?

Do you tell him to spend 6 weeks on you if he feels no chemistry?

I sure don’t.

I tell him to cut you loose ASAP and move along.

But wait – doesn’t this contradict all my stuff about compatibility being just as important as chemistry? Not at all.

Listen closer:

Chemistry is vital, but it’s not going to keep your relationship alive for 40 years. You know that. You’ve lived that. You understand that, even if you don’t like it.

But even if chemistry isn’t enough to sustain a marriage by itself, it is still essential to have some chemistry in a marriage.

Why?

Because married couples (should) have sex.

If you cannot picture yourself having sex with your date, you’re not doing him any favors by allowing him to spend a few hundred dollars on you over five dates, only to be told what you knew the second you met him: “there’s no chemistry”.

Your intentions may be pure (“I’m giving him a chance!”), but ultimately, that’s disingenuous. In six weeks, you can be sure that he’ll really start to fall for you and that he’ll be totally heartbroken when you drop the bomb on him.

So how do you navigate this space with integrity and self-awareness? Simple.

If you didn’t have fun and your chemistry was below a 5-6, then email him the next day, thank him for the lovely date, and wish him the best of luck in his search.

If you did have fun on the date and your chemistry was above a 5-6, go out with him again.

When he makes the move to kiss you, go with it.

MANY women have initially assessed men as 6’s but discovered their attraction shot up to a 9 after some passionate foreplay and sustained efforts after the date.

This clear-cut formula allows you to gently let down the guys who don’t have a chance with you, and allows you to organically get to know guys where there’s at least a bit of a spark.

Once you realize there’s NO spark, that’s when you let him go.

There. In one email, you learned everything you need to know about when to give a guy a chance and when to cut him loose.

Wasting time with the wrong men has been a persistent problem for you.

Maybe you stayed because you were lonely.

Maybe you stayed because you didn’t think you could do better.

Maybe you stayed because you were in love and he used to treat you right.

But every second you’re with the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right one.

@TheHizzy how long til you can start getting active again?

Just go on the date.

That way you can satisfy your own inner critic, the part of you that’s second guessing and saying “Maaaayyyybe I should give him a second chance…”

After the second date, there will be no more need for second guessing yourself. You’ll know for sure whether you are or are not into him. And if you’re not feeling it, you can still say to yourself, “At least I gave him a chance, and now I know.”

And then, don’t go out with him again and move on to the next.

Sounds like this guy I met ages ago…. he had money and loved to travel. So he spent all his time seeking out women online, women that he could go “visit” but really, he just wanted somebody to go out with and have sex with while he traveled, without having to make any commitments. Then he could just leave these women behind and not have to deal with dating drama in his own city.

Back from the UK. Jet lagged and don’t wanna go to work! Blah. Will catch up on this thread soon. Hope you all had a great weekend of awesome dates 🙂