Prognosti-gator

Robert, not to be all “armchair psychiatrist” here, but a lot of what you say sounds like you’re at the intersection of being on the autism spectrum and being demisexual. The former because of your inability to read (and just plain unawareness of) common interpersonal cues, the latter because of your love/lust description where you don’t seem to feel any physical desire toward someone until after you have a deeper emotional bond.

But, this isn’t the end, people on the spectrum (and demisexuals) do date successfully! I just think maybe you need the help of a therapist that is specifically versed in helping people on the spectrum to assist you in building the mechanisms to recognize and cope with the social cues that you miss.

Part of me wants to say that some of these women lost interest after nothing happened beyond hand-holding for a month, but the other part of me says it may have just been a “friend date” and they backed off when they started to feel like you were wanting more. It’s hard to tell from just your description, so I’m hesitant to tell you how to address it.

I think an experienced professional will be able to help you much more than a bunch of us on the internet can. It may also help to explore if there are any ace/demisexual meetups/dating options in your area.

Re: the knowing in 30-seconds thing

It’s hard to explain. It’s kind of like how two songs can be great. You can really enjoy the heck out of both of them. But, you can never put them in a playlist back to back.

Maybe their rhythm is just slightly off, maybe it’s a tone, maybe it’s a “mood” – it’s just hard to quantify. Sometimes people are just like that. Everything about them can seem great “on paper” but there is just something that doesn’t align when you put them together. (What people refer to when they say “chemistry”.)

Even if you’ve talked online or over the phone, and even if you’ve seen a photo; you might meet someone in person and there is something about them that triggers a faint association with some person from your past. Or they have a mannerism that just causes a viceral reaction. Or, they just have a different “vibe” than you do. (I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense, but there really isn’t a quantifiable way to explain, it’s just something most people feel.)

It doesn’t mean the person is bad. When you’re doing a jigsaw puzzle, there’s nothing “wrong” with the hundreds of other pieces, they’re just not the one that fits the spot you’re looking for.

Robert, I know this can all feel like we’re “piling on”, but you have some of the longest threads on the site. People are here trying to help.

It feels a little like conversations are something you feel you need to “win.” Part of this comes from the combativeness here, and also due to clues like your weight loss coach saying you’re “intense.” Conversations with someone who always needs to win the conversation are tiring. If you’re doing this on dates, it will definitely be a turnoff.

Conversations are a collaboration, not a competition. Maybe the lessons of improv will be helpful here. Improv works off the concept of “yes and” when interacting with the other artists. I feel like you may be doing a lot of “no, actually …” when dealing with your dates. (The one who offered you a ride, but you “no, actually I’ll take the bus back” being a piece of evidence.)

“Yes and” means you don’t come in and completely negate what the person before you did. You take it and build upon it instead, but don’t just “no” it. That causes things to just stop. This doesn’t mean you just agree to everything anyone says, but you need to keep the flow going. If you just throw a “no” out there, it’s like hitting a wall. The flow of conversation just drops flat and there is effort to pick it up again. This effort is work. And nobody wants their dates (leisure activity) to be work.

“One woman did tell me that I was a gentleman and a pleasant person to talk to, but she felt that I showed no interest in her on the first meet.”

The “show no interest” part sounds a lot like whatever she talked about just got ignored rather than “yes and”-ed where you actually listen and follow up. It sounds like you may have taken the conversation and driven it where you wanted as soon as she stopped talking, rather than keeping it with her and showing that she interests you. (But, of course, going too far ends up in the “interrogation” land, which is also no fun. It really is a delicate dance.)

Also, notice how:
if a woman declines a date with you – you are the wounded party.
if you decline a date with a woman – you are stepping aside to not waste her time.

You’ve made yourself out to be the noble party in either situation.

These are the types of things that are picked up in conversation by others (whether you mean it that way or not.) It’s these little subtleties that others use to form their picture of “the real you” since we all know that what people put out there (dating profiles, facebook, insta, etc) is a curated version of “the best you” and not an accurate picture.

You’re getting contacted, that means your profile is not a problem in itself. You’re failing in the “retention” part of dating.

If your date was ok with your profile, but picked up on clues that tipped her off on not wanting to go further, then asking her to enumerate the reasons is asking her to help you find ways to evade her selection process. Sort of like telling the thief exactly how you caught them. All you’re doing is training a better thief, not teaching them not to steal.

[edit: this sounds harsh. it’s not saying you can’t get better. what I’m saying is don’t look for “these specific things” to change, but work on yourself with your therapist to improve your overall outlook. if you don’t come across like you’re trying specifically to do the things necessary to “get the girl” – you’ll likely come across friendlier and less likely to trip the warning bells]

@Kate, well obviously. And that’s why I say mutual friends are off limits. But depending on the definition of “friend” – they may be people he knows that she never comes in contact with. Especially if they are along the lines of “facebook friends” or “gaming friends” – people he may not ever see in person and aren’t really any concern of whether their opinion of LW is good, bad, or indifferent – since they’ll never actually meet.

I think if you’re badmouthing your spouse, you’ve gone way too far. But sometimes friends do talk about problems, if for no other reason than to get a second opinion to see if they are out of line themselves. Without knowing what he said, it’s just up to us to conjecture how bad it was.