Your Turn: “Is Just He Using Me?”
I’ve been seeing this guy for about five months. We met at work and started talking about a month after. In the beginning he told me that he was looking for someone to marry and have children with (within a year or so) which was the same thing I wanted. Now all of a sudden he doesn’t want that, and when I ask him about it he just changes the subject.
My birthday came around and we went out and he told me that my gift was at his mother’s house and he would bring it to me. It’s been approximately two months and I still haven’t received anything.
He asked me to buy him some shoes. The first time I thought he was joking and laughed it off, but the second and third time it wasn’t funny. He knows my budget and I can’t afford to buy him shoes. He asked me for gas money, too — he asked if he could pick me up from work I agreed, and then when he got to my office he told me that he didn’t have any gas. He was my only ride at that moment so I gave him some money.
We rarely go out. The last time we went out was two months ago which was on my birthday, and actually we’ve only really had two dates in total. The funny thing is that a couple days ago he called me and asked if I wanted to go out. He named everything were going to do and I’m like “ok,” and then all of a sudden he hits me with: “I want you to take me out — you’re paying.” I told my friend what happened and she said that he is too forceful and that I shouldn’t pay his way for anything.
We don’t have sex regularly — maybe once or twice every two weeks; he actually made and excuses to leave my house one time because I tried to cuddle with him.
On top of all this I haven’t met his family. (He’s met mine though). He’s admitted to being hesitant with that, I asked him why and he doesn’t know. I’ve also never been to his place which he says he shares with roommates but I don’tknow. I also noticed that he says he’s going to do something and doesn’t follow through, which is really annoying.
Is he trying to use me? Am I stupid for putting up with this? — Tired of His Crap
Yes.
Yes, Yes, YES! MOA!
I’m sorry to break it to you, but you aren’t actually dating this guy. Having two dates and sleeping together occasionally does not mean you are in a relationship. I don’t know what this guy’s deal is, but I would stop hanging out with him. I mean what benefit do you receive from spending time with him? Occasional sex that is probably so-so? Dates that you have to pay for? Oh, and he was hesitant about meeting your family because he’s not actually your boyfriend. I would feel weird meeting the family of someone I was just sleeping with as well. To put it simply: He’s just not that into you. And you shouldn’t be so into him either.
It sounds like he was lying about wanting to get married and have kids, like that was an easy pick-up line to get you interested. Following the pattern of lying, the birthday gift probably never existed. He’s treating you like a booty call/sugar mama. Best case scenario, he’s an inconsiderate douchebag and you shouldn’t put up with his immature games anymore. Worst case scenario, he may already have a wife and kids and that’s why you haven’t been to his house or met his family. It would also explain why you see him so rarely and he can’t spend money with you…the wife would ask where that money went. I’m not saying that’s for sure what’s happening but it sounds very possible. Either way, you should MOA.
Have you seen that commercial where this couple are on their first date, and she’s on her phone checking his facebook I guess and it contradicts all the one-liners he uses on her? His wanting marriage pickup line reminded me of it.
I think he’s married too and doesn’t want to explain missing money.
That’s what I took from it too.
I don’t think he’s married, of course, its possible though. I think he’s just good at taking advantage of people. I’ve known a lot of people like this unfortunately.
I agree with you lets_be_honest. I’ve been under the assumption that most men, who are married, would still put forth more effort. I think this guy has a rotation of women, and she’s just another one added to the wheel. Everything points to that in my eyes. And coming from someone who has done it before, he mimicks some of the sleazy tactics I used.
The other thing I don’t understand is why do people call this kind of situation dating? If we aren’t going out and seeing each other once a week, the scheduling will allow, we are doing nothing more than merely talking. Much like the talking you would do with your next door neighbor.
The guy has ovestepped his boundaries by sleeping with her, but the LW sounds pretty young and in a tough spot. If he has to pick her up for work, she is a little under his thumb. This guy was looking for someone just like her, the inability to be independent, and the need to rely on his services. Which, in turn, allows for him to call the shots and for her to move at his beck n call. She was doomed from the start.
You didn’t say one nice thing about this guy. I can’t tell you why he’s acting the way he is…but I can tell you that there are much better men out there. MOA.
Bloody hell. I can´t believe some people.
LW. Do you really have to ask if he´s using you? Are you really so desperate for “someone to marry and have children with (within a year or so)” that you´re willing to put up with this???
How old are you, anyway?
Please do yourself a favour, stop sleeping with this guy. And put off having kids for several years, and until you find yourslef a guy that actually wants a relationship with you. And please at least aim for some financial stability first!!!! Kids are expensive.
Thank you! Desperation leads to poor choices and poor choices leads to misery. LW, please don’t make a poor choice. You need to muster up some self confidence so that you never again have to wonder if the way this guy is treating you is acceptable.
THIS CANNOT BE REAL. LW, he’s broke & shameless enough to try to make you pay for everything, you barely have sex, you haven’t met any of his friends or family, he lies about having presents for you, & LEAVES when you try to cuddle with him?? He’s not “trying” to use you, he IS using you (although I don’t even know for what. For money? It doesn’t sound like he even wants to use you for sex)
i dont think it really matters if he is using you or not…. it just sounds like a terrible time to be having with someone! if i was you, i just wouldnt want to see him anymore, using me or not, relationship or not- he sounds like a terrible person to be around.
I’m going to try to re-phrase your letter, so that you have the chance to see what kind of person you’re “dating”. In this “relationship,” he doesn’t
-Give you a gift on a your birthday
-Buy his own shoes
-Pay for his own gas
-Take you out. And when he does “take you out,” you pay for everything.
-Have sex with you regularly
-Introduce you to his family
-Let you see his place
-Follow through with plans
WHY, LW??!?! Why do you even WANT to date this man, after reading that list? You’re telling me you’re actually interested in continuing to date someone like this?
You aren’t even dating this dude to begin with! None of these things on this list constitute dating. None of them! He told you he wanted to find someone to marry and have kids with so that he could reel you in. And after he’d hooked you, he started pumping you for what he REALLY wants — Someone to pay for his shit. I mean, he isn’t even really using you for sex! I’m guessing this dude’s mom kicked him out of her basement, and now he’s looking for some unwitting female to pay for the shit he’s too lazy to pay for himself!
But honestly, the most worrisome part of this entire letter is that you actually have accepted these things, and that you don’t see automatically that this is a complete and utter MOA situation. I worry about your self-respect and your confidence. I mean, I thought “accepting the crumbs of a relationship was bad,” but there seems to be a level worse: “accepting the crumbs of a NON-relationship.”
Girl, dump this guy, and get to counseling or therapy. I mean it. You need to REALLY explore why you’re content to accept jackshit from people you date. Because honey, you’re going to end up with a string of dudes who use you, just like this guy, until you work on yourself. So get to it, and pronto.
I know you’re a huge advocate for therapy, so I’m tossing this question at you.
Let’s say LW follows up and acknowledges she just really wanted a relationship and was aware that this guy sucks (which she seems to at least of enough of a clue to write in with all his crappy faults) but was hoping things would get better, she was just smitten at first, etc. Do you still think she needs therapy? I mean, we’ve all tolerating some bs in the beginning of a relationship that we hope will work (prob not to this degree, but still).
I think you hit on the biggest issue when you said “probably not to this degree.” Yeah, I think we’ve all, especially when we’re young an inexperienced, been used or tolerated things that weren’t acceptable. But this takes it to a WHOLE different level.
I mean, the lack of self-respect and self-awareness that would have to go in to accepting this kind of situation is mind-blowing to me, which is why I think therapy is a good call. Even having to ASK if she’s being used leads me to believe that she’s so desperate for ANY man to want her, that she’s willing to put herself into some relationships with the potential to be really, really bad for her and her mental health.
This is the kind of person who would rather be in a “relationship” (I use that word loosely, here) than be alone. And anyone who can’t tolerate being alone, and be happy and confident by yourself, is someone who I think needs help building that confidence and figuring out what led to it in the first place.
Good answer!
RR you are so right on. I was in a “relationship” almost exactly like this in my early 20’s (about 10 yrs ago). He didn’t ask for money, but otherwise this fits him to a T. He also told me that his friends referred to me as “the girl you won’t take in public” and I STILL kept seeing him. I wasn’t just naive and hoping things would get better. I was deeply insecure, didn’t think I would ever do better, and thought there was something wrong with me and that I deserved this kind of treatment. Of course at the the time I thought I was sooo in love and that if I just showed him how much I cared he’d eventually fall in love with me in return. He never did. All my friends told me to MOA, but I wasn’t ready.
I eventually cut ties with him and got myself therapy to deal with my self-esteem issues. The therapy really helped, but unfortunately I needed to decide for myself that it’s what I needed. Hopefully by writing in, the LW is near a place that she is ready for some therapy. I think RR’s advice is spot-on.
“This is the kind of person who would rather be in a ‘relationship’ (I use that word loosely, here) than be alone. And anyone who can’t tolerate being alone, and be happy and confident by yourself, is someone who I think needs help building that confidence and figuring out what led to it in the first place.”
I think this right here is soooo important for EVERYONE to learn. You really truly DO need to be happy and confident on your own before you can be in a place where you can open yourself to love and be loved in a healthy way. It’s definitely one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in my life (so far). And it helps me walk away from relationships when I need to – because I know that I’m totally fine on my own, and my happiness comes from within.
“[A]nyone who can’t tolerate being alone, and be happy and confident by yourself, is someone who I think needs help building that confidence and figuring out what led to it in the first place.” – so incredibly true. After being in terrible so-called “relationships” I realized that the problem was me, not the guys I chose to date (though they were pretty crummy). I went to therapy, and decided to work on making ME happy. I went back to school, started exercising, and spent 5 years being single. It took a long time to get to a place where I was ready to be in a relationship. I knew I was ready when I realized I wanted a relationship for companionship, not validation. I still struggle with self-esteem issues and I think it will be a life-long process. But, I now have a wonderful boyfriend who respects me and treats well. We have been together 2 yrs, have a beautiful daughter and are a genuinely happy family. I never would have been capable of this 7-10yrs ago. A break from dating, therapy and self-reflection were what I needed.
You are so wise friend!
RR- the first thing I thought when I read this letter was your “Crumbs of a relationship” adage!
I actually don’t think that’s my adage! I can’t remember who said it, but I remember being jealous that I hadn’t coined it! haha
But now you’ve coined “crumbs of a NON-relationship.” Well done!
I’ve used it but I don’t know if I stole it from a movie, tv show, blog, someone who posted here, or from a friend. I can’t recall the origin from where it came from.
There’s nothing here, MOA.
You should have led with “I’ve never been to his place”. Then the rest of the letter would have fell into place. You’re the other woman. MOA.
THIS!! His “roommates” is probably a girlfriend/wife. He wants you to pay because he can’t hide spending money with you. He’s hesitant for you to meet his family and can’t explain why because “you’re my mistress” probably wouldn’t sit well with you…
My vote is for girlfriend, that´s why he said he wanted to be married in a year.
Please MOA and then get therapy to understand why you don’t know 100% for certain that you deserve better.
Okay, I just commented, but I had to come back to ask WHY you think you’re dating this man? Just because a guy at work tells you he wants to get married & have kids within the next year doesn’t mean he wants those things WITH YOU. It sounds like he could have just been making conversation initially, & you assumed this was some kind of promise. That’s not how shit works!!
Sounds like you really want to be in a relationship, but try to remember that’s no reason to take the first glimmer of a chance at one.
What’s that crumbs line?
Remember Glimmer from She-Ra? I liked her.
Yes, he’s using you.
He is not your boyfriend, and never was your boyfriend.
And just a piece of advice to everyone out there- Just because you text/hang out with/hook up with a guy, that does NOT mean that he is your boyfriend!! You shouldn’t just assume that he is. Unless you have a talk about not seeing other people and actually being boyfriend/girlfriend, he’s not your boyfriend!!
Agreed. Doesn’t matter if it’s been 3 dates or 30. No talk = no relationship, imho. Until you both agree to be exclusive/be in a relationship then you’re just dating.
You are a billion percent likely the other woman….MOA
I’ll also take issue with your statement of “married and children within a year” do yourself and your future kids a favor and play it by ear with whomever you meet and objectively decide when it is right for both of you.
“I’ll also take issue with your statement of “married and children within a year” ”
YES. It’s funny, really, because we’ve been talking a lot recently about timelines, and how you can’t control them. It’s absurd to, as a single person, say “I want to be married and have kids within a year!”
Life, and the universe, don’t operate that way. You can’t control when you meet someone who’s RIGHT for you to marry and reproduce with. And when you DO try to control it, this is the situation you end up in — Trying to make the next dude who comes along fit into your mold, and it’s TERRIBLE.
The best way to get a husband and kids is to do some serious work on your own self-awareness and happiness. An evolved, self-aware, happy person who’s content with their life and open to possibilities is the kind of person who manifests a husband and kids…not the person who’s desperately clawing after it.
Well now she has 7 months to get married, and have kids!
LW, this guy is not boyfriend material. He’s not husband material. And he is NOT father material. Yes, he’s trying to use you, and yes, you’re stupid to put up with it.
LW: “Is he trying to use me? Am I stupid for putting up with this?”
Wendy: “Yes.”
Me: “See Wendy’s response”
So, you found someone who wants to get married (isn’t that what half the letters written are about anyway?) Congratulations! Now, for the second part rarely discussed in the “I want to get married, he doesn’t” letters – When you’ve found the person that actually does want to get married, you need to determine if you would WANT to marry that person. I know, for me, I would be running the other way with the amount of disrespect he has given you… NOT imagining spending my life with this man!
You wrote the letter, you listed in detail the things that bother you. You already know the answer to this.
Yeah this is not a relationship and he doesn’t want one. You’ve been dating for 5 months and been on 2 dates? What does the rest of your relationship consist of? MOA and find someone who actually wants to date you.
Please, please dump this person. Why on earth have you wasted five months on this “relationship”? I don’t know you, but I can guarantee you don’t deserve this. Dump this guy (who seems like he might already be married with kids, to be honest), and take this as a learning experience. Wanting to be in a relationship is not a good reason to settle for this crap. MOA!
Yes, he is using you. Yes, you should move on.
One thing: He said he wanted marriage and kids, and you want that too, so it seemed like a good match. Now it turns out he’s not the right guy for you in a million other ways. LW, there are other men out there who have similar life goals (and actually do and aren’t just lying). You don’t have to cling to the hope of the first guy who says he wants marriage and kids. The right man to start a family with will, in fact, have to sleep with you, but other than that he will also not use you for money and will treat you with love and respect. Wendy’s written a lot about finding the right guy to marry and have kids with. This is not the right guy. Nor is every guy who says he wants those things automatically the right guy for you.
Is he trying to use me?
No, because he has been using you.
Am I stupid for putting up with this?
Stupid? Not exactly. Overly hopeful? Yes.
If you want a husband/father type of guy it doesn’t sound like you’ll find that in him. Probably best if you keep searching.
Ok, in all seriousness, I have to ask: Why do so many women romanticize marriage and put it up on a pedestal like it’s some perfect state of relationship bliss? Marriage is wonderful IF YOU’RE MARRIED TO THE RIGHT PERSON! Marriage in and of itself has no magic powers that automatically makes your relationship amazing. You still have to work at things. If you’re in the right relationship, your state of mind will make you married long before some legal documents do. If you want to get married, great, and you should make sure whomever you date is aware that you would like to get to that point so you can be on the same page, but I will never understand how it can be held over people’s heads as an ultimatum and as a way to prove how much they love you, or like all the other shit in a relationship can be completely ignored so long as you get to be married. It’s not a sorority, it’s not perfection, it’s not something to be taken lightly. A wedding is great, but a wedding is not marriage. Marriage is the every day. Marriage is a partnership and a team. Marriage is not some end goal that once reached makes everything better. If the person you are with right this very second doesn’t complement you, respect you, or trust you, and if you cannot do those things for them, call it quits right now because that is not a marriage that will last.
I know! I wish people would be smarter in making decisions.
Reminds me of (was it mandalee? one of our commenters, anyway) someone who told the story about an acquaintance of hers wanting to be married SO MUCH that she married her boyfriend…who was gay. Apparently multiple interventions (four, I think) didn’t stop her from marrying him. And he was cruel to her…telling her to “fix her face” because their wedding and stuff. It blows my mind, but some people are THAT DESPERATE to become a “Mrs.” that it ends up not mattering who they actually MARRY. I really can’t fathom how messed up you have to be to get to that point.
It pisses me off more than it should. Makes marriage feel cheap.
Its all very bizarre. I don’t really get it either. Maybe one too many rom-coms? I honestly had NO desire to be married until being in a relationship with the guy I’m with, and even then it was a long time into it. What’s so bad about being single? I loved coming home to a quiet, clean house, climbing into bed and watching tv alone.
That old question that people ask of each other, “Do you want to be married?” drives me crazy. No, I’m not opposed to marriage, but it’s not the end goal for me. My goal is to be happy. Marriage by itself is not a guarantee, nor is not being married an assurance of a life of misery. I know its important to have goals, but maybe tying up happiness and acceptance so tightly with someone else. It’s like someone asking, “Do you want to work in an office someday?” There are so many types of offices and office environments, there are so many types of office work, that blanket statement isn’t one anyone could answer with any accuracy.
“No, I’m not opposed to marriage, but it’s not the end goal for me. My goal is to be happy.”
Yes! I do say that I want to be married, because I’m happy in monogamous relationships and I think I would thrive with that type of stability, assuming it was the right partner, of course. But! I always qualify this desire by focusing more on the ultimate goal of happiness, not any single arbitrary thing that is so controlled by chance/other people. I will do what is in my power to make marriage happen, but if mait doesn’t, I will still strive for happiness.
It worries me more when people are so desperate to have kids they just have them, with no thought as to if it´s with the right person, if they´re in a place they can actually take good care of them, etc.
At least marriages can be undone.
I don’t always think it’s desperation JK. A lot of the times a girl is dating a so/so guy and she gets pregnant. Guy flees, and she’s left picking up the pieces. I will agree many women and men want to have kids, and at times the children are had with horrible partners. What boggles me to this day is how a Mom can be a single parent to two different kids, by two different Father’s? At that point, I think you are giving away too much of yourself way to easily. I’m precautious with sex, because I don’t want to have a child in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. My logic just doesn’t understand how this repeatedly happens. I can understand it happening once, because mistakes happen. Where I’m from, it’s becoming more and more common.
I know there are cases when an unexpected pregnancy happens, but I also know several cases where people are so desperate to have kids (“because they´re so cute”, “I´m the ony one of my friends that doesnpt have one!”) that they just have them with anyone.
I don’t get it JK. My fulfillment will come from hopefully being able to raise a child in a loving family, or if the adoption laws lax in my mid 30’s. I’d admit that kids are cute, but their cuteness will never outweigh the amount of responsibility and income it takes to raise one. That’s where cuteness dissipates and reality sets in. Kids aren’t things you buy and put on the shelf. They take love, nurturing, and the ability to sacrifice.
Some people just have it set in their mind to have children. And where I live, you are almost less of a woman if you haven’t had a child by 25. Family life is so sped up that it’s easy to get “left behind”.
I know Will, I recently dumped a friend because of this very issue.
33, in probably around 5 “serious relationships” in 2 years, talked about getting pregnanct with half of them, finally got pregnant after around 6 months with the latest. Both broke, living with their parents, no savings, no car. And I´m a terrible person for not agreeing with her that it was the best thing ever (because she was the only one out there without kids.)
I’ve been in 3 serious relationship in my entire life. That’s something I’m sacred about. If I don’t feel it’s serious, the last thing I’m going to do is voice it as being serious. In the last 2 years, I’ve only been in one relationship and very briefly dated one person. What is happening to people these days? Are they afraid to do some self reflection and step outside the box and try meeting people that aren’t what they are used too? Sometimes, you have to step back and realize why the method you have been using is not working. A certain someone has taught me a lot about that.
Sorry friend, that is the worse idea ever. Do I think a child can bring happiness? You bet, but I also feel it needs to be for all the right reasons. You don’t have to be rich, but you need to be able to relatively provide for the child and yourself. Your ex friend will just lead a miserable life in my eyes, even though she may be living a fulfilled life in hers.
Yeah, I have 2 kids, so I know just how much hard work (and expensive) they are. And how much stress they put a stable marriage through.
I feel sorry for the kid though. Having a mother capable of having it just so people will fawn over her during the pregnancy is just too sad for words.
Oh, I remember that story but it wasn’t me, unfortunately. I did have a friend that screamed “I’m 25, I should be engaged already!” at her boyfriend of a year pretty much every day until he proposed. Romantic stuff. lol Their wedding was just as fun as you can imagine!
I imagine their marriage must bee pretty colorful too.
Desperate is a harsh word, I think the word is Lonely. They are that lonely.
I think so many problems (and depressing letters) would be averted if people would adhere to a simple rule I’ve come up with: marry someone you actually like.
Although its funny you mention a sorority. A lot of the women who write here thinking marriage is the end goal followed by “And the all lived happily ever after” rather than you know, life, are probably totally the same girls who treated their sorority the same way (if they were affiliated).
I’m not sure if anyone else on here was in a sorority, but every year we’d have 1 or 2 girls join and then immediately freak out because “My pledge class is supposed to be my bffs and we’re supposed to go out together and then rehash our drunken adventures over brunch and then they’ll be my bridesmaids but none of them talk to me wahhhh. Everyone’s friends without me.” And we’d always have to sit them down and explain that 1. no everyone is not friends without you and 2.Being in a sorority does not provide insta friends. It does provide sisters, and one of my favorite things was when I needed it most, even women I weren’t especially close to would go far above the call to help me, but if you want to be friends with them, you do have to, you know, form friendships. And then they’d start making lunch dates or plans to go out together or having pledge class sleepovers, and they did grow to be genuine friends. But its not “Here are your letters start buying bridesmaid dresses.”
There’s not really a point of the rant, other than I don’t know where this attitude comes from. This, “I’m in a sorority where are my new bffs?” Or, as is the case for an alarming number of women, “I’ve got a husband, now where’s my happy ever after?” It’s this weird I survived rush/dating/whatever, now where’s my prize perfect college years/perfect marriage. Things take work, people. Things take work.
I was greek and I know exactly what you are talking about. But honestly, I had two sorority sisters in my bridal party and was introduced to my husband by a Sorority sister shortly after college. I think to a certain extent we promoted that thinking though. We had a book in the house that said, “You don’t go to college to find your husband, you go to find your bridesmaids.” and it was pictures of past sisters and thier bridesmaids. It is funny that you mention that. 🙂
I think you’re right that its a very promoted attitude, especially for girls who had Greek mothers who were still best friends with all their college best friends. And so girls come in wanting that so bad, but not realizing that those close relationships develop over four years (or at least a couple of months) and not their first week in the house.
But yeah, when I started thinking about the “once you’re married its all better” it reminded me a lot of the attitude some girls had first joining a house.
Well all the romantic and Disney movies end after the couple gets married. Might sound silly, but I think little girls (and some boys too I guess) are brainwashed from about the age of 4 that if you get married you’ll live happily ever after. I think most people logically understand that this isn’t true, but does their subconscious believe it…?
Disney gave me unrealistic expectations about hair.
Ha ha… so true. I saw that quote on pinterest. Nope. I will never have Ariel hair.
I just watched Beauty and the Beast recently (don’t judge), and at the end…Belle and the prince both have hell of a head of hair. Damn that man has pretty hair.
I have a guy friend who has long hair and Disney is his justification (I’m not even kidding…)
I LOVE guys with long hair. Hook a sister up Brad!
He’s yours if you live in Florida…
I was always a weird girl, because I was way more interested in doing things and finding out why no women were presidents. I was a much less cool version of that little girl in the YouTube video who doesn’t want to get married unless she has a job first because she’ll just find some other man because she wants to do something special.
Then again, most of the girls I grew up with were taught that marriage was their #1 life goal, and they would have to submit to some man (Titus 2). That never seemed okay with me, so maybe I’m wired differently (which I think is vastly superior, of course).
Omg I love that girl! And her older sister has some great original songs she performs on youtube.
But anyway, yeah, fuck Disney. Their stories always end at “I Do”.
I was the same way, Temperance. I think I was a feminist before I knew what it was.
I guess this is a good place to share a story. My daughter’s participating in a lip sync show with some friends from school. The songs are supposed to be approved by teachers (she’s in a private Catholic school) so they can ok the lyrics and such. Well she comes home yesterday and tells me the song that was chosen (not one that I had ok’d, those were all taken already). Never heard of it, so I read the lyrics…all about chasing boys and showing skin. I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t want me to call the teacher, thinking I’d be insulting her. Well, I did after I made my daughter understand my reasoning behind the call. Haven’t gotten a call back yet though. So upsetting to think you send you kid off to school hoping they help her become a strong, independant young woman, like you are describing, and instead they are told to dance on stage to songs about boys. Grrrr.
I feel like sometimes in the U.S. we focus so much on protecting our children from curse words and drugs, yet neglect to help them (especially girls) shape healthy views about self-esteem, self-respect, and relationships. Good for you for recognizing that issue and getting involved!
Thank you! I have to admit I was a little hesitant to call. I didn’t want to be “that mom” or come across as questioning the teacher’s ideas, but you know what, if I’m not going to be looking out for what’s best for her, who is?
I totally agree with your point. I think as a parent, it really is up to you to make sure your kids are being taught what you think is important, whether its times tables or self-esteem, it’d just be nice if it were backed up by the schools more.
That’s really sad. The worst part is that when you complain about things like that a teacher who would pick such a song in the first place will most likely not understand the problem.
I have a 13 year old sister and she’s in this sort of dance troupe (like “Sparkle Motion” from Donnie Darko) and sometimes the clothes and the choreography together are mildly out of line. Some parents have asked their instructor to tone it down, but she seems to think they do so because they don’t want any skin showing because that would be a sin. It’s like she has this division where women can be either nuns or objects, and nothing else. I don’t mind my sister dancing naked around the world if she feels like it (when she’s old enough, of course), it’s not a moral issue. I’d just like her to do it because she finds it fun, not because someone taught her that what she’s good for is looking hot and turning men on. I feel like they’re getting the message that dancing is not something you do because you enjoy it, but because the people looking at you do (if you’re sexy enough. and P.S. ARE YOU?!?). I don’t like it at all.
One of my best friends literally started crying on the phone with me when I told her one of our other friends had got engaged because -wait for it- she got engaged first. It boggles the mind.
It’s crazy to think about, but MANY women view getting engaged or married as sort of competition they have to “win”. I was the first of my friends that got engaged, and when I called my best friend she went on and on about how it should really be *her* time to get engaged, and while she’s happy for me, she really thought it should be her first for a number of reasons, as it were some unspoken race I didn’t know about. Other people’s lives really shouldn’t factor into one of the single most important decisions of your life.
My own brother made it a competition. Every one saw through it, though. In fact, at their wedding (which was crammed in 8 weeks before my mine), a cousin we barely see asked me if they got married just to beat me. Way to be obvious, bro.
Oh god! I just don’t understand that, and it’s crazy that he was so obvious about it. In the end, if life is a race, I’m really not trying to sprint to the finish line, ya know? What’s next- a competition to have a kid, then a second kid, buy a bigger house, divorce first, re-marry first, have a middle life crisis first? haha
The thing is, they already have a kid. Sometimes it’s hard to wonder if they have stuck it out and made it work because of her (which is virtuous, I suppose) and not because they are actually right for each other (which, a lot of times, they do not appear to be). They actually did get engaged first, too, and well over a year before me, but they never made any movement on it (so we all honestly forgot) until, I kid you not, the DAY after I got engaged. We were all on vacation together with soem other family, so I think they felt jealous of the attention or something. I don’t know. The best part was when, two weeks before my wedding, he calls me up to tell that because of the money they spent on their wedding, they were all tapped out and may not be able to make it to mine and just wanted to me to be aware. Wow, so 15 months notice wasn’t sufficient? I love him dearly, but sometimes he’s a giant tool like that.
I guess I lost then. Shit.
Bitches be crazy.
Oh that poor bastard that’s about to marry her! I’m hearing “It’s a trap!” from starwars playing in my head now…
That’s weird. Then again, I have seen many couples meet, get married and then divorce in the time that Mr. Temperance and I have been together. While “The Five Year Engagement” is a sad commentary on our lives, at least we didn’t rush into marriage and then divorce. RIGHT? RIGHT?
Guys are so much different, according to 40 year old virgin we only put the Pussy on the pedestal. More women should use that to their advantage, like this guys is using marriage on a pedestal to his advantage.
I totally agree with you evanscr05, and I think that this desperation to be married at all costs is totally sad, unnecessary, and ironically, the cause of a lot of disappointment and avoidable unhappiness.
However, at the same time that people like you are preaching reasonabless, there are a whole host of other societal influences (*cough* fuckyoudisneyandeveryromcomevermade *cough*) reinforcing the idea that older single women are sad, lonely, pathetic, or in some other way lacking. It’s such an ingrained idea, I’m sure even you occasionally judge women, at least a little tiny bit, who can’t seem to make a relationship work or get married. I know it creeps into my brain sometimes, that judgment, as much as I don’t want it to. It sucks. But anyway, my point is that this marriage insanity is not entirely the fault of one-off crazy women. I get it, to an extent.
So true. I was just discussing this with my therapist the other day because of a crap comment my sis made, which was basically that there must be something wrong any man who is 40+ and has never had children or been married.
This comment bothered be because it’s no secret that I might never get married or have children because I don’t want to settle. I refuse to get married just to get married. And it’s books about settling, and movies, and societal pressure and beliefs like my sister’s that really rub me the wrong way.
And when I say I won’t settle, I’m not referring to waiting for someone with the perfect job or amazing looks or a guy with lots of money. All I ask for is a friend who I find attractive, who I want to have sex with and who has a similar moral compass, goals and outlook in life.
WENDY YOU CHEATED.
LOL… I thought her little “Yes” at the end was just so perfect.
Agreed. It’s the response I was thinking of as I read the letter.
Haha! When I started reading, I noticed that she left off her usual “I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me” after the title. Then I got to the “Yes” at the bottom and understood why. Too hard to resist!
“Is Just He Using Me?” If you have to ask…YES!
Heeeey, I just realized it doesn’t say “Is he JUST USING me”. Mindfuck.
All I read was your sign off.
“Tired of His Crap,” are you?
Then move on.
Hahaha, I enjoy Wendy’s one word response on our Your-turn. Almost didn’t notice that. But yes. He is using you. You are not doing yourself any favors staying with him. I’m not sure why you’re staying with him if you’ve got nothing positive to say or even pull out of thin air. He sounds like a loser. For some reason, I imagine him with gelled up hair, a wife beater, and the occasional velvet track suit.
5 months? Please, please, don’t waste any more time with this guy and go be open to newer, much more respectful, probably better in bed and the cuddle department, and just all around not so douchetastic guys.
Two dates does not a relationship make.
Seriously, LW, read your letter. Then re-read your letter. Then delete his number so you aren’t tempted to talk to him again. You shouldn’t have to beg a boyfriend to meet his parents, to take you on a date, to give you a goddamn birthday present! Is he using you? Yes – the moment he said he wanted to be married with kids within a year… A YEAR!! How long does it take to have a baby again?
The fact that he changed his mind fairly quickly after you started hooking up indicates that he’s not looking for that. He probably already has a wife and kids, which would be why you don’t see him much.
I think what pisses me off the most is that he assumes you’ll pay for his shit – even trick you into paying for his shit. This too should piss you off LW. People who are fiscally responsible for themselves do not FORCE other people into paying for their shit.
LW, you’re not stupid. I think you’re confused as to what YOU want from a relationship, and you’re hoping that by being with someone who says they want rainbow-coloured unicorns it will mean you want rainbow-coloured unicorns too. Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn’t be dreaming about having rainbow-coloured unicorns of my own until I knew I was in a stable, committed relationship and standing on two feet.
My advice would be to ditch the dodo, and then take some time to figure out what you want before hitting the dating scene again.
Someone commented “This can’t be real”. Unfortunately, I think it is very real.
And it makes me so sad. The lack of self-esteem here is so evident. LW, I know this is so super cheesy… but right now, it is true: You need to learn to love and value yourself. Once you realize your worth, this guy won’t even be a second thought.
I have an old friend like you. I say “old” friend because I faded out on the friendship for a few reasons… one of them being I hated standing by and watching her in situations like this. She too had “boyfriends” (note the quotation marks!) who used her. Sometimes for rides/gas money. Once even because he thought he might be able to marry her in order to gain American citizenship (I kid you not). None of them ever showed her any sort of real affection or respect. They often had other girlfriends (or even wives) in their life. When I repeatedly asked to see a picture of her with one of her beaus, she told me he refused to have his picture taken with her. What?! One of them hit on me in her presence. None of them really saw her as a true “girlfriend”… just some girl that was there when they needed something. I tried to give her real serious talks about how she can do better. But, she always made excuses. She refused to make self-improvements and learn how to meet more quality people. And it became too depressing.
Stop being like that, LW. I am not going to say you are being “stupid”, because I have a feeling you may have been called ugly words in your past. There has to be some factor contributing to your lack of love for yourself. I don’t know you, so I can’t say what your good qualities are. But, you should get out a pen and paper and write down what you think is awesome about you. Your kind heart. Your sexy haircut. Your vast knowledge about a certain interesting subject. Whatever it is that you rock at.
And certainly… do what everyone here is telling you to do and stop seeing this man in any way, shape or form. If you have trouble meeting other men (of quality) than work on the things you think might need improvement. But, don’t settle for this guy who has ZERO redeeming qualities. You are worth so much more- I promise!
Please re-read your email again LW – if you still have questions you might want to take a good look at your self-esteem because at this point and time it shouldn’t even be a question.
LW this guy sounds like a loser. Does he have any redeeming qualities? Either way, cut your losses and MOA!!!!
There are so many other guys out there who are much better than this jackass. Just leave and don’t look back. He’s not worth another second of your time.
Short answer: Yes. MOA.
What Wendy said.
There is a song about this very issue. It’s called “No Scrubs”.
Dude is a scrub.
Perfect.
sittin on the passenger side of his best friend’s ride?
Yes! Trying to holla at her!!
the nerve!
He’s also known as a busta
there is a book called “He’s Just Not That Into You.” You should read it.
Permission granted to dump his selfish, manipulative, immature (however cute it may be) ass.
You don’t need us to tell you, you are being used. You need to believe you deserve better. Get angry as hell and walk away from him. Then take this as a lesson learned when choosing your next man. I know it will be hard, but this whole time you have been developing feelings for him. He has been doing the exact opposite. He has no feelings for you. I’m sorry. What would you tell your best friend to do if all these things were happening to her?
When it comes to guys I date, on top of my list of requirements is “someone who follows through with his promises”. It’s such an easy way to weed out guys. It never failed. I want to date someone I know I can depend on. Second thing on my list is “someone who communicates”. So if something happens and he can’t follow through, he should have the balls and call me. (I dated an absolutely gorgeous guy, smart as hell, sparks flowing all around, but he didn’t do these two things. I moved on, as hard as it was.)
LW, you are thinking of marrying this flaky guy? If you get sick, you’re on your own. If you have kids with him, you can’t depend on him, because he’s flaky (and you know it!). So you’re willing to put up with this shit just so you’re not alone? It’s not worth it. It will be hard to break up with him, but you have to accept the reality – you’re better off without him than with him. He causes you to be frustrated when he breaks his promises (you don’t need that!!!!), and your wallet will feel better after you dump him.
(The other commenters provided wonderful advice on other issues – but this one is the one that stood out the most for me.)
Agreed. Flakieness is one of my top pet peeves and one of my deal breakers.
Yeah wow, I think that you have a boyfriend, and he has FWB situation going on. You need to break it off with him, and I can tell that it’s going to be hard for you, because you have put up with his demands for 5 months so far already. Just do it quick like a band aid, and when he calls you just because he wants sex just tell him to jerk off or something.
Or engage in an eiffel tower with him and a friend.
That is also a good option. I would need pictures or it didn’t happen though.
look at you!
Aim for the curb. Kick him there. Kick with all your might. Then move on. This guy is a first class tool.
He doesn’t want to meet your family because he doesn’t want anyone to tell you how much of a jerk he is. Plus he doesn’t have it in him to act like a gentleman for any amount of time.
You’re not stupid for putting up with this, because people do crazy things when they like someone. BUT this is a pretty terrible scenario. Go back and read your own letter. He’s not even trying to treat you right. He’s taking advantage of you big time. Would you like your daughter to be in a relationship like this one?
Oh, oops. I read this backwards. Still, MOA!!!!!!!!!!
He deserves another chance. I think it sounds like he’s just really busy and forgetful. Those kinds of quirks can be cute in a relationship. True, he likes to be treated, but who doesn’t deserve to be treated now and then? Also, you can’t expect him to want to have sex every time you want to have sex, or go on dates every time you want to go on a date. Some people don’t like to go on dates, unless the other person is paying. I also wouldn’t worry about never seeing his house. He probably just lives with his mom, or another female with the same last name as him. That could be embarrassing or cause complications in his life if he were to bring you around. And, you’re probably being too hard on him about not talking about marriage or kids anymore. If I had to guess, he is just planning a surprise proposal!
lol
LMAO
LW, she’s joking. Just in case that wasn’t clear.
You’re not even dating this guy, you’re just sleeping with him every now and then while he uses you for money (and sex). I might be a little judgmental about this, but *especially* since you mentioned you want to get married within a year, why would you have sex with a guy who clearly doesn’t want a relationship with you? In order to find someone worthy, it sounds like you really need to work on yourself first, and know what it’s like to be alone.
She REALLY needs to let go of this idea that she’s going to get married in a year. It could happen, but more than likely, probably not. It’s more important that she work on herself, like you said, and finding the right partner, than cramming in a wedding just to make some arbitrary timeline.
Oh definitely. I understand timelines and why women feel pressured but rushing to get married for the sake of getting married is a huge mistake. It bothers me how so many people take marriage so lightly.
if someone (ANYONE) *told* me i was paying for something that was not my idea, they’d be outta luck. get out get out get out.
He’s using you and he’s married (otherwise committed). And he’s a douche lord, in case that also wasn’t clear.
LW- what do you think a healthy relationship would look like? What are your needs in a relationship? What are qualities that you think are important in a significant other? I don’t understand how you can feel that you want to be married “within a year” when you don’t appear to know these basic things about yourself. You can’t expect a partner to meet your needs and live up to your ideals when you just float through life allowing someone to take from you constantly and give nothing back to you, not even (seemingly) basic respect. Dump him, be alone, think long and hard about what you want and why, and next time you go into a relationship set some clear standards for yourself. Otherwise you will continue getting taken advantage of.
Okay, well I think it’s been pretty well established here that yes, this guy is using her.
I’m going to parrot Brad up above on the point of: “Stupid? Not exactly. Overly hopeful? Yes.”
I’m hesitant to say “stupid” because I get the impression that the LW is either young or relatively inexperienced with relationships (neither necessarily precludes wanting to meet someone and settle down). I’m willing to bet that at least a couple people here have been in that situation (I’m talking about way back, like in middle or high school) where you don’t yet know the (often unwritten) rules and think a kiss, or a movie date, or a one-night-stand equals a relationship. If nothing else, I’m sure we can all look back on at least one relationship and say to ourselves, “I can’t believe I put up with that crap!”
Failing that, I’m with the commenters who’d like to know what exactly has kept the LW around this long. Normally when we see a letter from someone dating a deadbeat jerkoff who treats them like crap, they offer some sort of meager reasoning for not having left yet (“we have so much in common,” “we really do love each other,” “we used to be so good together,” etc.) I’m not seeing that here. Surely “I’m looking for ‘the one'” didn’t buy this guy 5 months. (I’d also be curious to know if it was on purpose that the LW never actually used the word “boyfriend.”)
I’m wondering if he continuously promised her marriage, but has very recently stopped and now she’s confused and pointing out all the other shit she’s dealt with. Like, I can’t get over the two dates – how can anyone expect to be marrying someone after having two dates with them in a span of 5 months?
You are his bit on the side. Run, don’t walk, away from this lying dirt bag.
I don’t think you even listed one pro. MOA or Gtfo.
Just kidding about the Gtfo.
Dump him. NOW.