“I Just Found Out a BOMBSHELL About My Boyfriend”
A year or so later, right after his second daughter was born, he gets a text from Karen saying that the baby was actually his, and that he needs to come in for a paternity test. He did, and it turns out it’s his son. He believes the condom had a hole in it because he swore he used protection. As he was telling me this I could tell it was extremely painful for him, as he is very loving and loves his children very much. He said that after he and his daughter’s mom split up some time after, he tried to make it work with Karen so his son could be in his life, but at that point his son didn’t know him and he and Karen weren’t a good match. She took his son away completely, and although Carl still pays child support, he hasn’t seen him in close to a year. Karen is supposed to be getting married soon and her husband is going to adopt Jason (the son), and Carl will have to sign for it.
I have so many emotions about this I don’t even know where to begin. I am very upset that I had to find out from someone else (his whole family assumed he had told me everything—can you blame them?) so I’m still kind of feeling the whole “I don’t know if I can trust him anymore” vibe. But I also understand how it would have taken him so long to tell me, as that is his DEEPEST, DARKEST secret and the personal demon that haunts him the most. He fought for rights for Jason and ended up losing all his money and still having absolutely zero rights. I can see that he is tortured by it, but I still somewhat feel betrayed that he didn’t tell me first before I found out from someone else. He said he did plan on telling me soon but he just couldn’t find the right time or way to and he was afraid I’d leave him because of all his baggage; however, he said he knew I deserved to know anyway.
He is a great man and is very loving and compassionate, and I could tell that it hurt him a great deal that he hurt me. I’m a super compassionate person too, so I really feel for him in this situation; how awful it must be to be basking in the glory of your beautiful newborn daughter only to be served the life-changing news that a child you thought wasn’t yours a year ago is actually yours. One thing I’m glad about is he never tried to make any excuses as to why he didn’t tell me; he made it clear that he was scared and that he’s not perfect, but that he never wants to put me through that again because he knows I don’t deserve it, and he swears he has nothing else to hide and that he’s going to be completely transparent from here on out. He’s actually glad I brought it up to him because he had no choice but to get it off his chest. There’s a part of me that says “no one is perfect, let him earn that trust back,” but then another part that says “he should have manned up.” Thoughts? — Dealing With a Bombshell
My thoughts are that he isn’t telling you the whole truth and that you are conveniently not super interested in knowing the whole truth. Does none of his story ring alarm bells for you? The fact that this one-night-stand just happened to result in a pregnancy, even though Carl was wearing a condom, doesn’t seem a little far-fetched to you? And he told you that this one-night-stand happened, oh, like some time between one and a half to two years before his younger daughter was born? He doesn’t have to make a rough estimate on timing here. Gestation is nine months. If you know the kids’ birthdays, it’s super easy to figure out the exact time-table, and something tells me that if you did that, you might realize that the time of his “one-night-stand” — which was more likely more than just one night — overlapped with the relationship he had with the mother of his second daughter. I know, another BOMBSHELL, right? And if I’m right about this, that makes Carl not just a liar, but a cheater as well.
But the questionable behavior doesn’t stop there. What about how Carl and Karen “didn’t work out anyway, and when she had the baby, she told him not to worry, it wasn’t his”? What does that even mean? Did they try to have a relationship when she told him she was pregnant and the relationship didn’t work out? At what point did they decide it didn’t work out? Was he with her through the pregnancy? Did he support her through it at all? Was he there for the birth? Did he bond with the baby at all? And if so, was it really of no interest to him to pursue a paternity test when Karen told him the baby wasn’t his after all and “not to worry”? Think about that for a second: This guy you are saying is such a loving and wonderful father, and who is so heartbroken over not having parental rights for his son, potentially walked away from said baby just as soon as the mother said “not yours, don’t worry about it,” even though he had sex with the woman nine months before the baby was born. It doesn’t strike you as at least a little bit strange that he didn’t want to make absolutely sure that this baby wasn’t his?
In fact, he didn’t take a paternity test until Karen requested him to, and even then it was to determine whether or not he owed child support. So, he started paying child support, he tried to have a relationship with Karen, the relationship didn’t work out, his son didn’t know him, and he was denied any rights at all. And none of the strikes you as strange? What happened that Carl was denied even visitation rights to his son?! Did you ask that? Did you ask how a lawyer could grant such a penalization, or why Karen would feel so strongly about denying Carl any relationship whatsoever with their son? That doesn’t seem strange to you? Doesn’t strike you as a red flag? Because it should! Even if three different baby mamas and the big lie by omission isn’t enough to doubt this guy, it should give you serious pause that one of the baby mamas thinks so poorly of him that she has completely denied him having any access or visitation to her son whatsoever and that she somehow got the court to agree to this, even though Carl is making regular child support payments.
Look, it just doesn’t all add up. Carl is not telling you everything. And what he IS telling you isn’t totally true. He is still omitting things, and he is ashamed of more than he’s shared with you. About the only thing I buy that he’s selling is that he IS afraid of losing you and that he thought you would be scared off by all his “baggage.” I just don’t believe he’s shared all the baggage with you.
You need to ask more questions and get more clarity. Find out whether he cheated on his second daughter’s mother with Karen. That should matter to you. You deserve to know whether the guy you’re dating has a history of cheating on his girlfriends. Ask him more about this “zero rights” with his son scenario. It’s hard to make a legal case to completely deny parental rights to someone paying child support, and I’d be curious how he explains that. I’m not saying it’s completely impossible, but wouldn’t you think a mother would want her son to have some sort of relationship with his dad if the dad were as loving and wonderful and invested as you say he is? Instead of fostering that, she denied the parental connection for a year, then actively fought to keep Carl from her son, and is now asking Carl to sign for another man to adopt him. And Carl is going to do that, I assume? Well, that’ll get him off the hook for child support, anyway.
You’ve been dating him for four months? If I were you, I’d just move on. There are so many red flags waving and sirens ringing, that it’s hard to imagine a scenario that ends happily for you two. But definitely ask him the questions I suggested if it helps you feel that you’re making the right choice by moving on (you are).
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Courts don’t just not allow a father rights once paternity is established just because. He likely gave up his rights willingly. And the kid didn’t know him? The kid was so young that would change quick. That excuse makes no sense. You get to know the kid. On top of the fact that he is clearly lying why do you want to be with a man with three young kids he supports? I mean, so much baggage, plus lies, plus likely cheating. Also, a hole in the condom? Come on. That happens in movies. Also, even with a hole it isn’t just that easy to get pregnant. That means the sperm had to find the hole, make their way through it, etc. it’s just not as plausible as he wants you to believe. Not impossible but sounds like total BS.
Also, if this woman is intentionally trying to get pregnant by him then why would she say it isn’t his? Again, makes no sense.
I have to disagree here with some of what Wendy said – I have known a few women who actively sought child support but also actively sought to keep their baby daddy away from the kid. In fact, one of the guys has been to court several times over a TWO YEAR period to seek visitation, and the ex-gf keeps insisting that visitation would be “too confusing” for the kid — arguing that the child has not seen its bio father in two years and won’t remember him, and anyway she has a current boyfriend who is acting as a father figure. (Well, of course the bio dad is a stranger to the kid, because despite his efforts to get visitation, he has been denied for TWO YEARS!!!) What it boils down to is that this all about the mother feeling like it’s an “inconvenience” to have to deal with the emotional and logistical aspects of maintaining a relationship between her son and his dad (who was not abusive, btw) and not being interested in taking the kid’s needs into account. And she is making her case stronger by keeping this tied up in court for years, and therefore ensuring the kid and his father remain strangers. But she has no problem taking the monthly child support.
It’s all about the new bf being jealous and perhaps not wanting bio-dad to come to kid’s defense if he is abusive. Stepdad’s and bf’s as father figures are often total hell to a kid. Some are great, but it is a risk and one that this bio-dad is wise to keep fighting to protect his kid from.
I will say that I have full custody of my kids with my ex, and my lawyer put in the papers that visitation is at my sole discretion. I got it because my ex DIDN’T SHOW UP TO DIVORCE COURT. He didnt contest it. My kids, who are 15 and 17 now, rarely saw him because he is a shitty person. Odds are good that Karen and I have much in common.
Oh, and he pays. But has zero rights otherwise.
Its always makes me feel so warm and fuzzy to read glowing accounts from those who gleefully choose to weaponize their children in their petty divorce battles…
He might also not have the funds for the lawyers and just gave up.
Can’t use a weapon against someone who is never even there, BGM. This is the same man that called me months after I remarried to ask if we ever got divorced or not. Given his record of behavior, I knew it was all too likely he would abandon the kids. So, I made sure he couldn’t stop me from doing what was best for the kids. He was given numerous chances to show he wanted to be a dad after I left him. I would offer him every chance to see the kids. He only accepted when he had no money to eat, and could catch a free meal. I was the breadwinner and sole caregiver in the marriage. Very little changed for me except for living arrangements. He still couldn’t get it together.
Yeah, I’m not saying that she shouldn’t press for more information but it’s not unheard of for women to try to deny custody to their exes. Also, visitation isn’t something that you get automatically just because you have to pay child support. If it’s contested you need to pursue it with a family court and that may entail time/money/resources that he doesn’t have. And even so, family courts are extremely capricious.
If a father shows up to court, pays child support and requests visitation it will be granted, unless there is good reason for it not to be. This guy clearly didn’t make an effort like he claims.
He is perhaps not responsible of Karen’s parental alienation: perhaps it is on her to want to cut him off because it is easier for her, perhaps it is on him. We don’t know that. But we now this is an unstable man with three children from three different women, with shady stories about the pregnancies (totally incredible, the hole in the condom, the one-night-stand with condom, come on), and the fidelity towards the last child’s mother. Too much baggage indeed. You really want to deal with all this? I would run away.
Even if your boyfriend is a great dad he has a string of young children. He didn’t learn the first or even the second time to be responsible with sex. He keeps making babies. Don’t become baby mama number 4. Having so many unplanned babies is hugely irresponsible and if any of them were planned in such short term relationships that was also irresponsible. I don’t doubt that he loves his children but it is hard to parent children where each of them lives in a separate household. He drops in for fun moments and pays money but he isn’t there in the way a good dad would be. He isn’t there in the night taking a turn with a fussy infant. He isn’t the one out buying the diapers and he isn’t the one making and feeding them breakfast or cleaning them up after breakfast. He probably doesn’t drive around with carseats in his backseat. He isn’t making major decisions concerning them. He is a passive dad who lives in his own home and drops by to visit. He’s more like a fun uncle while the mother’s of the children do almost all of the actual childcare. Consider that before having sex with this guy.
Parents have a constitutionally protected interest in parenting their biological children, but they can forfeit that right. For men, that means that they have to show an interest in the baby, e.g. offering financial support to the mother, holding the baby out as his own–SOMETHING fatherly. Her telling him not to worry almost certainly wouldn’t overcome that responsibility. (It’s definitely not enough in my state.) He knew it was possible that the baby was his but very quickly accepted that it wasn’t. If he really wanted custody rights, he should have made absolutely sure the kid wasn’t his before he pissed off for an entire year.
He’s either ac liar. Or worse, an idiot. Hell, lets be real. He’s probably both.
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You rather conveniently leave out whether or not you wanna make babies next. Which — of course! — means you do… Ugh. No. Hell, no.
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Just walk the FUCK away. And either aim higher or seriously? Take yourself out of the game as you have NO IDEA what “amazing” or a “great guy” truly is.
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This WAS a bombshell. Be wise. Allow it to completely blow up — as in obliterate this relationship.
A lot of comments that he guy is just careless with protection, etc. I think it far likelier that these are intentional pregnancies on his part. Not a small number of men, even those with zero interest in being a dad and less than zero interest in marrying or living as a family with mother and their shared child, measure their manhood by how many times they have been a successful sperm donor.
So, he’s got 3 kids from 3 different women. This should tell you something, but as BGM says, your letter shouts that you want to be baby mama #4 and are seeking assurance that your relationship with him will be better than what the other baby mamas have. It would b e lying to tell you that. Despite all the nice things you say about the guy, he sounds like a complete mess and a totally selfish ass.
He either keeps picking women who don’t use birth control or he sabotages birth control. On his end that would be damaging the condom or slipping it off. It is possible that he puts some kind of lubricant on the condom that breaks it down without knowing that what he is doing is stupid. If the LW isn’t on birth control she should stop having sex with this guy. She shouldn’t trust him with a condom.
I don’t think he’s using protection. I think he may be one of those dudes who sleeps with whatever woman will open her legs, and worries about kids later. He goes with straight denial, and acts like he didn’t know they were pregnant.
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The fact that he had a one night stand with Karen then blames her for sabotaging the condom, tells me he’s a liar. How did Karen get a hold of the condom to sabotage it? Did she bring the condom because he ‘forgot’ his? If that’s the case, why would he trust some random woman to bring condoms to a one night stand? He should make sure that he has his own condoms so stuff like this doesn’t happen.
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If nothing else, this dude is incredibly careless with his dick. He’s out there playing Russian roulette in these dangerous sexual times. There are so many diseases he could catch, and pass on to an unsuspecting sexual partner, that it’s almost tragic.
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LW, dump him then run as fast as you can to get tested for an STD/STI. Any man that is this unconcerned about fathering random kids, AND his sexual health is a dude that should be avoided at all costs.
As soon as she used the word AMAZING it was downhill…I am with Skyblossom & BGM here, this guy has a pattern. Leave him with his child support payments and RUN before YOUR condom has a hole in it…LAWD.
There are plenty of men out there without two (three) baby mamas and mystery”pop up” illegitimate kids. Aim higher!
I feel SO sorry for the kids in this scenario…and his ordered child support is probably no where near what these kids actually need…never mind trying to be a good father in three different households. SMH
You’ve had an amazing relationship for 4 months. With three other baby Mommas I wonder if his MO is to be a great boyfriend out of the gate and then turn into something else. It is telling that he has had 3 serious relationships where children were made (he tried with Karen so I count 3) and none of those lasted. Odds are the boyfriend is the problem, not these women. Listen to Wendy and MOA. If even for the fact that 3 child support payments will DRASTICALLY diminish your household financial stability if you stick together.
This guy is not amazing.
He has AT LEAST three baby mamas, babies and lied to you.
I really find the hole in the condom comment really striking. He lacks accountability. As others have said, he didn’t learn the first time? He full of shit and likely trickle-truthing you. And this is the honeymoon period!
Now is the time to walk away.
How does he even have time to date you, if he has 5ree kids he should be parenting? He’s not a great father. He’s a careless and reckless man. With his penis, especially.
Can we call that reckless penis syndrome?
It’s an epidemic!
PS — after two babies born out of wedlock… is the third REALLY that surprising? Or that much of a bombshell? Um… I think not.
That’s how I felt.
This right here is how there are so many children growing up disadvantaged. Have some goals. Want more for yourself and any future children you have. Good lord
Get the heck out of dodge and fast. First a guy that has three different kids by three different women none of whom he is married to in such a short period of time is a huge redflag. I think he is one of those people that tells some truths and hides the others in an effort to build trust. This whole thing is shady and you need to leave RIGHT NOW. I am sorry to be so direct, but this man is bad news. And I am a lawyer and no he just does not have his rights taken away it does not work like that. He had to sign them away. They will have to terminate his rights to allow for the adoption.
You have been dating this guy for 4 MONTHS. Why is this a bombshell and his deepest darkestest secret, seriously?! 4 months is not near long enough to know everything about a person or to expect to know certain things about a person. Sounds like he was ready to take his relationship with you to the next level so he better duke out his dirty laundry. Maybe he is a great guy,maybe he did make stupid mistakes, maybe hehas bad judgement, I mean he didn’t make these babies alone. You could sit there and question why weren’t these women on birth control or helping prevent getting pregnant. If you can accept him having three children and you are happy with him than stay with him and see where your relationship goes…… But if the idea of three kids with different women and him not opening up to about it off the bat concerns you than leave.
You can also call this reckless vagina syndrome too.
He’s the common link here. He’s probably doing something either purposely or ignorantly, that is leading to pregnancy. Three short relationships with three babies is too much to be a coincidence.
It’s really a small window to get pregnant every month. Which leads to… an accident or plan that didn’t work out in the end. (Maybe he’s just “a romantic.”
After one unwanted child, you’d think he would have learned his lesson.
I just hope this wasnt purposefuly. Does he fall in love so hard to want babies with these women or are they just being irresponsible. SMH. LW -be careful not to be baby momma #4
Every time I read this, I giggle at the enthusiastic credulousness. His DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET that he couldn’t tell her because he’s such a DEEPLY EMOTIONAL PERSON who WAS TRICKED BY A BROKEN CONDOM. He struggles with his POWERFUL AND CONFLICTING PASSIONS and IS DEEPLY COMPASSIONATE and WAS SO HURT BY HAVING TO HURT HER.
Ha ha ha. SO TRUE.
Lol
It is so pathetic how these letter writers paint their SO’s as sensitive, delicate victims of bad circumstance.(and mean women) Like they had nothing to do with putting themselves in these positions.
We can all understand when someone likes someone and wants things to work out, but having two baby Mamas (which she already knew about) was enough to make him a bad prospect even without the BOMBSHELL.(calling it that is comical, it wouldn’t be a bombshell even if there more kids cause this is normal for this guy) I don’t know how old this guy is, but it sounds like all 3 were from a relatively short period of time. (He had a baby with BM #3 only 2 years ago) His “serious relationships” probably weren’t very serious or very long lasting. (We know that two of the kids were born within 9 months or so of each other) He probably pays so much in child support (which still isn’t as much as the kids really need) that he can’t even afford to have his own place. (She was probably talking to Grandma cause he lives with her)He made up the story about the condom so that LW wouldn’t think he was so irresponsible. But obviously he IS. He needs to knock up LW now cause she has her own place and she can help him get out of Grandmas. He tried with Karen… (cause if he lives with one BM that is one less child support payment he has to make and they can help him pay the bills.)
Remember guys who are bad news almost always paint themselves as good guys who are victims cause they are so nice and sensitive that they can’t help themselves. These guys are professional sleezeballs. They are smooth operators which is how they get female after female to fall for their bullshit. Woman need to stop falling for that ?.
It’s sick. Like ANY WOMAN ever wants a child with no strings attached. Give me a break. Child support doesn’t pay anywhere near the amount a total dependent infant/child needs.
He chooses to have children with women that he can’t stomach having a LTR with. Don’t be the next, LW.
I SO wish I’d had the luxury of an online advice forum and all its readers and posters when I was in a similar situation over twenty years ago. Alas! I made the mistake of marrying my “amazing”, “loving”, etc, guy, even after he revealed the existence of not one but two secret kids on top of the two I knew about, yes, by a different woman. And? He turned out to be a lying, manipulative, sociopathic bastard. Eventually the betrayals grew so huge that I had no choice but to throw him out. Oh to roll back the clock! Save yourself the heartache and aggro, learn from the mistakes of others: walk away from this guy and thank your lucky stars for the advice everyone here gave you.
How does this guy have time for dating? You have 3 babies with 3 different women in a very, VERY short amount of time.
Dating is the last thing on my mind.
From the LW:
He isn’t a liar? But he lied…about a huge, life altering thing. Ya not a liar. SUUUREE.
Ok, so he fathered three children in four years, has zero relationship with one, and sees the other two twice a month and you’re writing glowing reviews about how his parenting? You are being willfully obstinate! Unless you like the idea of single motherhood and very minimal financial support (if any at all), please practice birth control.
” Honestly I think me finding out about this could be a good thing in the long run, because now he knows to be honest with me going forward or I’ll have to walk away.”
Actually he learned that you won’t walk away. You were upset and now you are over it and you are still together. That’s the lesson he has learned.
You’ve only dated him for four months so I wouldn’t expect you to know his deepest, darkest secrets yet. If you are going to continue seeing him take it slow. Don’t rush into living together or getting married or having babies. His two previous relationships failed, maybe because they didn’t give them enough time to see that they wouldn’t work before they had children and before they got married. I’d say give yourself at least two years before moving forward in a way like living together or getting engaged. Considering how complicated his life is I’d give it at least three years before doing either of those things. Each extra household involved in your relationship is going to add stress to the relationship. You will have an exgirlfriend and an exwife in your lives for a long time. That means take it extra, extra slow. You have to not only get along with him, you need to have a good relationship with both of his daughters and with both of their mothers. That means that instead of the two of you needing to get along and to communicate and make decisions you have four adults who must all get along and communicate and make decisions and since you aren’t the mother of the girls you will be left out of most of the decisions involving the children. You will live your life around what they decide. Give it all time to blow up. If it doesn’t you wont’ regret the time but if it does you will save yourself a lot of trouble.
Yeah. How would have have learned you’ll walk away? You literally just asked him about the withheld info, listened with lots of empathy, and then chalked it up to him being the victim. That tells him that if he acts scared, then you’ll stick around.
I still don’t believe his story. LW, you make your choices but all comments were to help you and open yours eyes. The situation is not great and he knows he can get away with big incredible lies. Remain cautious and don’t embark in something serious, you are always free to walk away. He is not stable, his history shows it. Good luck to you
Did you ask him when he was planning on telling you if you hadn’t confronted him? I mean, I guess if you want to feel sorry for him for feeling “scared,” that’s fine, but adults have to do scary things all the time. Someone who chooses to just lie by omission instead of doing the scary thing is not mature enough for a relationship. Or they are not so scared and are just trying to manipulate you.
I’d be wary of someone who either is so irresponsible that he has 3 unplanned children OR who thinks it’s a good idea to have children with women he’s not committed to.
LW-I still don’t believe his story either. I understand there were “several other sources”, but those other sources were probably getting their info from the same source…him.
It would be interesting to hear what the other 3 women would have to say about it, but you have only been with him for four months and aren’t married or engaged to him, so you probably shouldn’t be involved with them at all. In fact at just four months you shouldn’t even have much involvement with his kids either.
No matter how he paints it (just like Wendy said in response to your update) he had 3 kids with 3 different women in 4 years and two of them are 9 months (or less) apart.
I am honestly shocked he was actually married to one of them (there is the bombshell!) you say she was cheating on him, but another woman was having his kid around the time she was getting pregnant, so… sounds like they didn’t know each too well before getting pregnant. (he got two of the woman pregnant with little or no relationship with them first) He might be the nicest guy ever, but is this really the kind of baggage you want to take on? What kind of future is this guy planning on? Is he in school? Is he working on a career? (He better cause he will be paying for all those kids for a long time) Do you want to be a Mom one day? Do you really want your kids father to be the father of THREE other women’s children?
Think about that for a minute… you might be setting yourself up for choice you are REALLY going to regret later.
Another thing I wanted to mention. He has kids with three women, right? He had the longest relationship with the first BM, right? Then two more kids…and he tried to have a relationship with BM “Karen” after he and his brief wife (#3) split up…so ALL THREE of these woman had a relationship with him and had a child with him and ALL THREE woman have passed on continuing a relationship with him even though they had a child together. Don’t you think they must have a reason for that because they all had much more invested in him and they still all said “no thanks”. (I do not buy that #3 was necessarily running around, she may have heard about #2 and bailed)
Doesn’t that make you wonder?