Morning Quickies: “My New Girlfriend Told Me She’s Bisexual and I Am Not Ok With It”
She wants to be monogamous, which is fantastic. She says she won’t cheat on me either. The thing is, there is a logic I follow. My brain processes and accepts heterosexual relationships only. The difference is, in my head I understand that homosexuality is a thing, that it happens. I’ve come to accept people engage in it. I just don’t agree with it or see the need to agree with it, and if I accept her bisexuality, I feel it’s like saying I agree with it, which I don’t.
I like this woman a lot, but I feel hurt that she lied to me and blindsided me. But now we’ve invested time, effort, emotions, and feelings in each other, and I don’t know what to do. — Blindsided
I actually kind of get where you’re coming from: I acknowledge that there are bigoted assholes in the world. I understand it’s a thing, that it happens, that there are people who engage in bigotry and asshole-ishness. Thing is, I don’t agree with it, so I don’t befriend or date or marry bigoted assholes.
My advice for you: If you don’t share values with someone, don’t date that person. If you’ve already invested time, effort, and emotions before finding out you don’t share values, welcome to the damn club; that’s like 95% of what dating is. You spend time with someone, get to know him or her, and figure out if you’re a match. Most of the time you aren’t, and you go back to Tinder or whatever and keep swiping, wishing that people would just ADMIT that they are bigoted assholes or bisexual or whatever you aren’t into BEFORE you spend time developing emotions, but it doesn’t always work that way.
In short: MOA. This relationship isn’t going to work out, and if you are committed to your bigotry, then your investment of several months isn’t going to change that and you know it.
We do not live close to each other, so we don’t see each other often. When we visit, we usually share a bed, and he would cuddle with me all night, but we have not initiated intercourse at all. He seemed aroused on the few occasions when we have engaged in foreplay, but we have always stopped before it got to the “act” as we both have been afraid of losing our friendship.
He says that he cares about me very deeply, and, as I have state, we are extremely compatible in all other areas. I am very different from anyone he has been with in his past, and I have wondered if this has anything to do with it. He doesn’t want to change anything between us, which includes when we visit we sleep in the same bed cuddled up. He is still wanting us to make long-term decisions regarding investments in business and other ventures, but I don’t know what to do about it. — Invested
Yeah, I call total bullshit on your not wanting to ruin your “friendship.” What friendship? You only met recently, you live far apart, and you have unrequited feelings for him. There isn’t a friendship here to ruin. There is only the potential for a relationship, and even that doesn’t exist because there ISN’T potential for a relationship because this guy is not into you. Maybe he is grappling with his sexuality, unable to fully admit to himself he’s not into women. Maybe he’s hoping you’ll be cool with a sexless relationship. Maybe he’s just using you and your interest in him to further his business ventures. And, my GOD, whatever you do, do NOT make long-term decisions with this guy, ESPECIALLY regarding business investments and ventures.
Get your head out of the clouds or wherever it is, wake up, realize that this guy is NOT into you the way you are into him, that your relationship is inappropriate at best and exploitative at worst, and that this is absolutely, 100% not a friendship. MOA.
Related: “Is My Boyfriend Racist?” and “My Boyfriend Told Me He’s Bisexual, But I Feel Betrayed That He’s Still Bisexual!!”.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LW2 You have a long-distance, not yet committed relationship that is strictly platonic and will remain platonic. Do not make long-term investment decisions under these circumstances. Take money off the table entirely. Tell him you won’t be making any investments with him and no business ventures. See if he disappears very quickly after he realizes you can’t be used.
If a guy wants a romantic relationship with you that will be his focus. He will be trying to spend time with you and he will want to have sex with you. This guy wants to spend his time working on investing your money. That’s his interest and focus. This is a run away from the guy type of situation. Save your joint investments for when you are actually married. Make investments on your own but don’t make them with a guy who loves your investment potential more than he loves you.
A sociopath will seem like the most compatible, charming person in the world. Be very wary. You are almost certainly being conned.
I agree. He’s just running his Nigerian prince scam in person.
LW1: so if I’m understand, you haven’t even met this person face to face? You aren’t dating someone you’ve never even seen. The internet is not real life. Stop worrying about this when you don’t even know if you’d be compatible yet. You will need to start from scratch once/if you’ve met.
I don’t necessarily think they haven’t met in person yet. They met online, yes, and they’ve been “talking” for a few months (which is vague and could mean literally talking on the phone, but also is what the kids call dating before defining anything).
Reading this site, the thing that definitely makes me feel the oldest and most out of touch is the prevalence of these “relationships” between people who have never/barely met in person. Not just that it happens so much, but that people talk about it as if it’s entirely normal.
Just to be clear, I’m not crapping on people having online friends, but becoming invested in it and thinking of it as a substantive romantic relationship.
It doesn’t make me feel old it makes me think people now days are freaking idiots. My step son went on and on yesterday about some person upsetting him on some website. I could not in any way get him to comprehend that “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS PERSON WHO CARES!” He once cried, yes cried because the internet went down and he couldn’t talk to his “friend” he has never met and just started talking to. If I had any say in it I’d make him spend far less time online, he doesn’t seem to grasp reality vs. the computer.
I think they met through an online dating site but have been dating in person and before they made it official, that they were exclusively seeing each other, she told him that she is bi.
LW1 You don’t approve of your girlfriend so break up. Two months is nothing compared to a lifetime. Your investment is actually trivial at this point. Maybe take some time to think about why you would be so disapproving that you need to break up with a great woman but you really do need to break up.
Wendy – your response to LW 1 was spot on. A perfect response.
LW 2 – Attraction is mysterious – why are you attracted to one person but not another? It can’t be forced. It is or it is not. He may get aroused, but he’s not aroused by you. Keep the friendship if you want – don’t ever try for more, you’ll just end up frustrated and sad.
LW1 You are who you are but there will be many straight women who might like you but find that your disapproval of homosexuals is too ugly and they break up with you. You will find that this cuts both ways. Not nearly all straight women will approve of your attitude.
I dated a guy whose mom had told him and his brothers that if they ever realized they were gay they should know it was okay to bring a boyfriend home to meet the family. That was in the late 70s. She was so far ahead of LW1 and that was decades ago.
WWS for both!
Also, this: “I have been honest with her since the beginning — that I date straight women.” If some guy I’d only been out with a few times made a point to tell me he only dates straight women, I’d see the homophobic writing on the wall and bolt so fast! I’m surprised this woman didn’t.
Yeah I call bullshit on that one (not that it really matters though). Who in their right mind makes a point of telling a person they’ll only date straight people? What would be the purpose? He just gets off on this whole so-called betrayal and it’s just despicable.
It’s weird to even say that. I never, upon meeting a man with the intent of dating, repeatedly said “you better be straight”. Kind of would assume he was into sleeping with me if he was, which is what matters.
I’m also very curious as to how this was ever brought up so explicitly without her immediately responding with “I’m actually bi so this won’t work out”???
I’m not really sure what he’s looking for here… Does he want to confront his own bigotry and change how he views sexuality? Does he want the world to apologize because a woman he’s interested isn’t straight?
Agreed, it’s weird. I have a from friend who would say stuff to me like, “I’d never sleep with a man who has slept with another man, not even if it was just one man one time!” I’m someone who doesn’t discuss past partners with new partners, nor do I ask about it. I assume I’d know if a guy had past *relationships* with another man in the past, but a hookup or something? Not unless it was volunteered. I asked my former friend, how on earth would you know? Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if she said something along these lines to a partner. She doesn’t think she’s homophobic, but she is.
*former friend
LW 1, you are not compatible, so break up. I don’t understand why you wrote in to Dear Wendy about this, since you had to know you’d be chastised AND told to break up. Bizarre.
LW 2, he’s a con man. There’s no reason he’d continue this weird non-romantic long-distance quasi-relationship that involves longterm investments (WTH?) unless he wants your money. You barely know him. Are you seriously going to hand over your cash?
Be less gullible. Jeez.
Also, LW1 – I think you’re confusing “accepting” and “tolerating.” You tolerate same sex relationships. From what you wrote, you don’t accept them. Like, at all.
LW1) The thing is… there is a logic that I follow. In my head, I understand that and bigotry is a thing. That it happens and that tools engage in it. But I believe asshats like you are ignorant douche canoes and utter garbage. I see no real reason to think otherwise.
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In other words — FUCK OFF. Seriously. Go fuck yourself. Nobody else wants to.
LW1 I think it would help to know how long they had been dating? Had they met in person? Had sex? I am a firm believer that things like ones sexuality should be disclosed early on by the third date or pre sex. But it does not sound like they even met? Online dating is not like regular dating and you often find people thinking they are in s relationship with someone they never met. For some people bisexuality could be a deal breaker just like past drug addiction, divorce, kids it’s better to get things like this out right away so you know early. If you wait too long it does seem like the person is dishonest. So does he have a reason to feel lied to maybe? Depends on the timeline.
But I do think he just end things with her. He clearly has a moral issue with her sexuality and this can never work. He will question her past and she will feel judged it will never work. There are plenty of people that are not homophobic that don’t want to date a person who is bisexual. And I fully believe that bisexuality in general is not an indicator that someone will cheat. However I have two very close female friends who are married to men and bisexual. One has cheated many times on her husband and the other has an open relationship.
But chastising him or judging him is not helping. There are many many people who do not agree with homosexuality and we need to accept that. He does not seem to be advocating that they are not entitled to the same rights or spewing hate he just does not want to date someone who is bisexual.
Someone’s sexuality is not a “moral issue,” no more than their eye colour, height or gender is a moral issue.
We do not have to accept that there are people who do not agree with homosexuality. We can call them for being bigoted homophobes.
*call them out
I don’t understand how you or anyone else has an opinion or has to agree with someone’s sexuality or not. That’s bs. We don’t need to accept bigots (who can’t accept other people for who they are.)
Why did you even bring up the anecdote about your bisexual friend who cheats on her husband? What does that have to do with anything?
Yeah, I don’t see what that anecdote has to do with this guys’s homophobia.
I think that if he had written in and said that he had concerns over whether someone bisexual would be OK in a long term relationship, with only a member of the opposite sex and didn’t want to open himself up to heartbreak by getting involved with someone with same-sex romantic attraction, then he’d have gotten a more sympathetic response. That’s not what’s going on here. He doesn’t like LBGT people.
*LGBT, or I guess LGBTQ .
Agree @Fyodor I can understand wondering if, due to someone being attracted to something you don’t have, if that is something they could live without. That is a reasonable question. Why he even wrote I don’t know. He doesn’t agree with it so he just leaves. What is the question even? I mean he sucks but what is the point of even asking. If someone has a quality you refuse to deal with then you leave. I mean, he is a homophobic douche, but nonetheless, don’t like it, leave.
Not spewing hate? How about spewing disgusting bigotry – here: try this
The thing is, there is a logic I follow. My brain processes and accepts single race relationships only. The difference is, in my head I understand that inter-racial relationships is a thing, that it happens. I’ve come to accept people engage in it. I just don’t agree with it or see the need to agree with it, and if I accept her ability to date people of another race, I feel it’s like saying I agree with it, which I don’t.
You understand how stupid that sounds right? How hateful and bigoted? Sexuality is no difference than race -it’s biological.
I always say that you can think whatever you want about who people want but it isn’t going to stop them from doing it so what is the point in caring? I could give two craps about who anyone wants to be with, sleep with….unless it’s my husband. I really will never get why anyone cares. I can get caring if it is your girlfriend but caring beyond that does literally nothing. Protesting or complaining about someone being gay doesn’t stop them from being gay! Guys an ignorant idiot.
How can someone “not agree with homosexuality?” That’s like saying “I don’t agree with blue eyes” or “I don’t agree with tall people.”
There are all kinds of biological variations among human beings. Your discomfort at being around people who are different from you doesn’t change the fact that they exist. You can’t wish them away, and you can’t insist that they hide themselves so you can maintain an illusion that the world is simple and everyone’s just like you.
I don’t see a problem with chastising him. Anti-bisexual with a bisexual who pledges to be monogamous with him seems way on the extreme end of homophobia. I’ve had discussions with quite a few homophobes. Most don’t even care all that much about lesbians and I think maybe one would be as bent out of shape as this guy is by a female bisexual.
The biggest reason to chastise the guy is that he wrote in with no question, simply to vent his homophobia on this site. He doesn’t want to date a bisexual woman, so he shouldn’t date her. QED. Did he even pose that as a formal question or was this just an ‘oh pity me, I was lied to and she’s so immoral’ rant.
Really, half the guys were religious zealots and the other half would be thinking ‘three-some!!’ — even though they were very homophobic when it came to male homosexuals.
Frankly, I am tired of straight people (who have NO fucking idea whatsoever!) telling me to not even dare to chastise the jerkoffs who continue to fuck with my rights through their ignorance and votes.
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Maybe we should stop calling out Harvey Weinstein and company as well?
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Seriously. Knock it off. Again, you know nothing… NOTHING … of which you speak.
If you fully believe that bisexuality is not an indicator that someone will cheat, why is that followed up by two anecdotes suggesting that bi people cheat?
The plural of anecdote is not data. Why are there anecdotes about bisexual people cheating. Because all groups of people cheat: men, women, kids barely into their teens, straights, gays, trans, bisexual, even asexual. What do two anecdotes of cheating bi-sexuals tell us, even if the anecdotes are true? Next do nothing. Would you not date a straight person because you’ve read and heard dozens of true anecdotes of straight people cheating? Nope, didn’t think so. Sorry, but your bigotry is hanging WAAAY out, with red flag attached to protect the unwary.
LW1, you want to know what to do? You take a long, hard look at yourself and your worldview. You ask yourself why you’d seriously consider leaving a great woman who wants a committed, monogamous relationship with you just because she’s attracted to woman as well as men. If, after your soul-searching, you find that you’re okay with being a homophobe, you break up with her so she’s free to find a man who isn’t an bigoted asshole.
amen.
Bravo, Wendy! I love your response to LW1.
Hear, hear!
And LW2. I didn’t even read that far.
Clearly, he wants your investment money, and you are not friends.
I had a coworker once who was convinced my boyfriend was bi, if not gay. She really had no basis for this belief other than him being well-groomed, a bit fastidious and the fact he wore high heels for a Halloween costume with no trouble. But she kept making this snarky comments about it. I had to finally firmly say that he’s given me significant evidence to believe him not to be gay, and if he is bi, I couldn’t care less. He’s attracted to me and faithful. That’s all that matters.
She then tried to imply that him being bi would make him more likely to cheat. This is a misconception that needs to die. The likelihood of cheating lies with the individual’s personality, not his/her sexuality. If i was attracted to every single person on earth, I would still never cheat on my man. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with her anymore.
Sorry for the double post- I guess I wasn’t done with my rant.
This! WAonS.
LW2: The horror of being in a bed with a man who isn’t attracted to you. Stop that immediately for your own dignity.
“He is still wanting us to make long-term decisions regarding investments in business and other ventures, but I don’t know what to do about it.”
Sheesh, way to bury the lede!
He’s leading you on for his financial benefit. Quit trying to convince yourself that this non-relationship is special.
Wendy is ON FIRE with these answers today. Love it.
There is a difference between having dating compatibility criteria and being a bigot. To be clear, I think the LW is bigoted. But I think it’s okay to say ‘Im a straight woman who dates straight guys only’. Nobody is obligated to date everybody to prove their moral stature, nobody wants to be dated as a token gesture of being ‘open minded’, like they are adding to a resume, which sadly I have seen happen, and I consider it to be nothing but using people. And I think it is important to be clear upfront in your dating profile to minimize confusion and wasted time for everyone. But this guy is not wrestling with concrete questions about whether he and a bisexual woman can have compatibility in a long term relationship or whether this specific person is otherwise a good enough match to navigate potential issues with; he is stating a basic disapproval of her identity. Which is straight up bigotry. ‘Disagreeing’ with who people ARE is bigotry. Saying ‘this person and I may not work out together’ is just dating.
I am with Lisa here. I think someone has the right to not want to date someone who is bi sexual if they want to. I don’t think that makes a person homophobic. (This person sounds like he is though , obviously)I do not care to date bi sexual men. I wouldn’t say that makes me homophobic. I have no issue with anyone being gay. I have many gay friends and relatives that I love. I don’t have any issue with them and their relationships. To me who I wish to date preference not a prejudice. I did read once that if someone is bisexual they often prefer their own sex. Not sure how true that is, but if LW heard that he may feel threatened that she will find a woman she is more attracted to and leave him.
Of course people have the right not to date someone if they don’t want to, even if their reason is shallow or silly or even bigotry. Nobody *has* to date anyone. That’s not why people are coming down on LW and Lisa. We’re reacting to the overtly homophobic statements they both made.
Bingo. Ex act ly.
Of course he doesn’t have to date her, but that’s not what people are reacting to. They’re reacting to this:
“My brain processes and accepts heterosexual relationships only. The difference is, in my head I understand that homosexuality is a thing, that it happens. I’ve come to accept people engage in it. I just don’t agree with it or see the need to agree with it, and if I accept her bisexuality, I feel it’s like saying I agree with it, which I don’t.”
If he didn’t want to date someone who’s bisexual, then he would have just broken up with her when he found out. But instead, he’s angry about it and trying to find some kind of “solution”.
Like what if you found out someone you were dating liked pineapple on pizza. Would you keep dating them if they promised to never eat it again? Would the fact that they would enjoy pineapple on pizza if they weren’t with you still bother you? Would you be angry about that?
It’s the idea that there is a “solution” to this “problem”, (i.e. that she should just realize that she’s actually straight – or worse: “decide” to be straight) that is offensive.
Monsters putting pineapple on pizza. That is where I draw the line.
“I did read once that if someone is bisexual they often prefer their own sex. Not sure how true that is”
Anytime you hear or read a blanket statement about an entire group of people, it’s not true. It’s a stereotype, like saying “Asians are bad drivers” or “women aren’t good with directions.” Sure, some bisexual people might prefer their own sex in general or at a point(s) in their lives, but that doesn’t mean they’re more likely to cheat. A lack of fidelity is related to a person’s morality, selfishness, and lack of impulse control, not their sexuality. Not wanting to date bisexual men doesn’t necessarily make you homophobic, but if the reason you don’t want to date them is because you think they’ll leave you for a man, it does make you a little bit ignorant.
I agree 100 percent with carolann.In today’s world everyone should date who they are comfortable with.Just because someone does not want to date someone who is bi does not make them a bigot.Everyone is different. Let us all respect each other’s life choices with kindness. Only then will the world be a better place.
You are completely missing the point. Nobody is saying that anyone has to date someone they’re not comfortable with. We’re disagreeing with Lucy and Carolann because they brought up ignorant assumptions about bisexuals. Nobody is saying the LW is a bigot for not wanting to date a bisexual woman. We’re saying he’s a bigot because he made explicitly homophobic statements.
The world won’t be a kinder place until bigotry and homophobia (and racism and sexism and a whle host of other evils) are eradicated. Until then, responsible people must speak out when they see and hear something wrong, not sit back and accept the “life choices” of people who refuse to accept others’ life choices.
@Lucidity I think it was a survey type thing. where they asked a certain percentage of people who were bi sexual which sex they found themselves more attracted to or something to that extent. I wish I could find it, but this was many years ago.
Honestly , although I have several friends and family that are gay, not one of them is bisexual. I don’t think I have ever really known anyone who was bi sexual. (Well maybe I did, but I didn’t know. Not everyone discusses their sexuality with me.)
I am not arguing that LW is expressing bigotry.
The letter kind of started one way and then went a completely different direction.
And I agree that his expecting her to conform to what he wants her to be is ridiculous, selfish and unrealistic. He should accept her for who she is and love her for who she is or give up on her.
I found what I think may be where I read it. I thought it was a survey, but actually it was a study involving bi sexual males… it is very old (2004)
http://www.indiana.edu/~sexlab/files/pubs/Riegeretal2005.pdf
It is only a study of bisexual men, not women though.
I wouldn’t put any stock in that. A study of 32 bisexual men is far too small of a test group for their findings to have any meaning.
Whoops, sorry for the double post. Not sure what happened here.
I wouldn’t put any stock in a study of 33 bisexual men, recruited through ads in gay-oriented newspapers. That’s far too small of a test group to provide any reliable information.
Yeah, just a feeble effort from someone needing to publish — statistically invalid and awful methodology. Do you think they might have gotten a different answer if they had surveyed volunteers from a male-female dating site like eHarmony, which didn’t serve gays?
The best part of LW1 was the attempt to reframe “I am a homophobic bigot” as “my brain cannot process nonheterosexual relationships.”