36 and Forever Single
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I could really use some advice. I’m a 36 year old woman that has never had a boyfriend and has never had sex. I’ve put myself out there only to be rejected or completely ignored. Online dating has been a complete failure. I either don’t get responses to the messages I send or a few messages are exchanged and then they drop off the face of the Earth.
I’ve asked friends what’s wrong with me and naturally, the answer is always nothing. I’m the last single woman in my circle of friends and it’s incredibly depressing. Only two of my friends know my whole story because I’m deeply ashamed of it. They admit they don’t know what to do because they aren’t in my position.
I’ve never been called pretty or beautiful. I asked one of my friends if I was ugly and she said I was lovely. I know I shouldn’t have, but I went on Reddit with my photo, and was described as anywhere from a 3-5. I can count the number of dates I’ve had on one hand and I’ve never had a second date.
I think I’m a catch. I have a good job and I’m going to school. I’m a smart and funny person but my lack of success with men are making me think that’s not good enough. I’m not fat. But it’s obvious that there is something wrong with my appearance if I can’t even get a man to give me a chance.
I don’t have unrealistic expectations when looking. I just want someone who has a job, doesn’t smoke or drink excessively, and has a good sense of humor. I just want a chance but no one will do that. I’m crying while I’m typing this because I believe I’m going to be alone forever.
I don’t know what it’s like to have someone love, or even like me, in a romantic sense. Is there any hope for me? Or am I just ugly and better get used to it? Thanks in advance.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this, which must be dispriting. Have you asked a friend to look at your profile and your pictures to see if they’re marketing you effectively? Have you tried meeting men in other venues, where you have a chance to interact more substantively? Do you live in a place where everyone is married off young?
Ok, look up Evan Marc Katz & Matthew Hussey for dating advice. Now, you very probably have low self esteem issues at work here which will require counseling/therapy to overcome. But the reason I speak of those two men; especially Hussey, is that they do dating coaching and that’s what I recommend. To set you in the right direction. Also you need someone to be objective and yet kind to help you. Your friends & Reddit (damn, don’t do that again as that’s soul destroying for no real purpose) aren’t the best at helping in this.
Being 36 & a virgin isn’t exactly the the norm, but it’s not like the end of the world either. I know it can feel lonely and isolating to be seemly different, but it just means in someways you have less baggage then most of us. Also you are not alone in this. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/04/virgin-30s-40s-adult-never-had-sex
I can’t say who is out there for you, but I suspect you lack the know how on the right way to go find them in person or online. Though you should also know that even experienced people have difficulty in internet dating as there is too much choice. I do however suggest you join and find a meetup.com group or volunteer in something like a animal shelter to meet more men and more importantly expand your social life. Not every man you meet will necessarily be a potential partner but having a common passion will make it easier to talk to someone who you’re interested in.
Though friends can help with the dating profile or you can actually hire someone for that too. & sports teams is another way to meet people or learning new skills etc.
Good luck.
Hire a professional to edit your profile. Wendy used to do this. They know how to package the truth in a way that is enticing and not off putting. I empathize with you. If I had to do a profile I might be tempted to say things like I don’t suffer fools. I mean it’s true… but it’s not the thing to say. Kind of like saying you’re not fat. Congratulations? But beauty comes in all sizes my friend. And whatever your look, I’m convinced someone out there is into it.
But are you okay with your looks? You don’t sound it. And that probably comes across. Maybe you need a make over. Or make up lessons. Or to watch some episodes of what not to wear. Everyone has something to work with. And I tell you this not necessarily to change your look but to change your attitude and confidence. If learning to contour makes you feel prettier then have at it. A different haircut can change your look dramatically.
And then widen your net. You don’t sound like you are over reaching. But maybe expand you age or distance parameters? Try multiple sites. Not to find a husband necessarily – but just to practice dating. Taking the relationship hunt off the table might actually benefit you.
And also look offline. Volunteer. Go to meet ups. Join classes that interest you so you find like minded people. It’s tough. Doing what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked. You have to try something else. It sounds like you just need a little tweaking. I wish you much success.Don’t use Reddit as a gauge. A supermodel could post a photo of herself and they’d probably call her ugly and various other names.
“Being 36 & a virgin isn’t exactly the the norm, but it’s not like the end of the world either. I know it can feel lonely and isolating to be seemly different, but it just means in someways you have less baggage then most of us. Also you are not alone in this. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/04/virgin-30s-40s-adult-never-had-sex”
From the article
“The reason I am still a virgin is that I am very well endowed. The ladies in my life have found it really hard to relax when it comes to having sex with me due to expecting intercourse to hurt them. I have been intimate in other ways, however, and even been in three long-term relationships. I know there are ladies out there that prefer a larger man, I just haven’t found them. After all, sex is about pleasure – if both parties are not experiencing pleasure during sex then it’s not a very balanced sexual relationship.”
Uhhhh. I’m going to note my skepticism.
Hi Fyodor, I had friends review my profiles and they said they were fine. I stopped online dating late last year because of the lack of success. I just got so discouraged and just cut my losses. I joined my campus’ newspaper this past spring so I’ve met many people while working on that but nothing that could lead in a romantic direction. I do go out and try to interact but nothing ever comes of it. I get my hopes up of meeting people but then end up going home discouraged. I’m not interested in a one night stand but it would be nice to have someone show interest in me. I live in the South so marrying young is pretty common.
Hi Heatherly, I’ve read some articles from Evan Marc Katz’s website but I haven’t heard of Matthew Hussey. I agree that there are some self-esteem issues. I’ve been told my whole life that I was ugly. I was diagnosed with Psoriasis when I was four years old and while it isn’t too bad now, it was during my childhood through my teens. That led to intense bullying. Even some of my relatives would say how pretty my younger sister was, most of the time it was right in front of me. My own mother was among them.
Being in the position I’m in feels like the end of the world. I don’t feel desirable and I don’t know what it’s like to have a man touch me. At all. Like I mentioned above, I joined my campus newspaper and met some really great people. A friend of mine does roller derby so I’ve gone to her bouts and after parties and met some really great people there too. But still, nothing that could lead to a relationship or even interest.
I understand your pain, I was 30 when I had my first real boyfriend. I’m not sure about you but I was holding myself back by having a idea in my head of what my husband looked like not just in appearance but what his job and ambition level would be (I blame my mom and dad 🙂 ). Online dating was a real eye opener and I had a co-worker that really helped put things in perspective for me. That getting that first date/boyfriend is like selling yourself and your personality and learning to fake it in the beginning. I don’t mean be someone your not but by looking and presenting the best you. I could see where I was holding myself back by presenting the me I was comfortable with but that was not the best way to get someone else because they didn’t know I was great. So as sexist and horrible as this sounds redo your online dating profile, have a friends husband look at it and tell you the truth (a womans wording to a man is very different). Go to the salon get a blow out, your make up done (by someone else wear the eyeliner 🙁 ), and wear a skirt/dress and heels and have someone take some pictures it doesn’t have to be professional but smile. Other advise: Quit eating at home alone, go out where men are learn sports lingo, smile at everyone, wear the skirt and heels, buy a great bra, tighter fitting clothes, someone will take the bait. The first one will be horrible like hide in your closet with a box of ding dongs bad but but do it and do it again and again until you get comfortable. It gets easier, if you let it, and be open to the guy that doesn’t look the greatest or have the best job sometimes that guy will surprise you. Hope this helps, Good luck
I don’t know how geographically flexible you are, but I wonder if you’d consider moving to another city, where there’s more of a single life for people who are in their late 30s. Both to have more opportunities and also to maybe have a less isolating experience as a single person.
Yeah, I’d definitely ask some male friends to look at your profile. I don’t think its intuitive for people what the opposite gender finds appealing.
I also recommend Evan Marc Katz. I really enjoy his coaching style, and he also has a service to edit online dating profiles. It’s called eCyrano.
I also bought one of his books. It’s called “Why he Disappeared” and I found it very helpful. He has other dating coaching programs as well.
I also recommend working with a counsellor to deal with any self esteem issues you’re struggling with.
Your friends are probably right that there’s nothing wrong with you, but insecurity comes across pretty strongly when you’re getting to know a guy, and that can be a turn off.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. I also understand how it feels to think you’re going to be alone forever. It’s crushing. Good luck.
