Am I being too pushy on dates? I could use some advice.
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Hi,
I’m a first-time poster on this site and I’ve been a long-time reader. I think it’s great that this forum exists; it’s comforting and wonderful to see people share stories and try to understand themselves and others. So, I’d thought I’d give this a try!
My name is Jeff and I’m currently dating in NYC. Something happened recently on my date that… I’m honestly not too sure how to interpret and what to make of it and what lesson to take away.
Some background about myself: I’m in my mid 30s in NYC, I’ve dated… fairly successfully in my life but I’m still single. I’ve had 4 separate partners, each lasted from 1-2 years and I’ve been dating fairly frequently in NYC. I go on a few dates a week, I have fun, my partners do too it seems, but nothing seems to last… which is fine. I think I’m just holding out for a great match and it takes time to find.
I went on date recently that got me thinking about… how I behave and communicate on dates sometimes. This was a first date with a woman I met online. We talked well and she was extremely funny and open and I think we had good online rapport. We met in person in Brooklyn and seemingly hit it off. We were conversing about our work, what brought us here today, our families, her past work in nonprofit development and her dislikes of that industry, what she liked/disliked about the world and her school, her interest in baking and her entrepreneurial work as a baker, our friends and what they’re like, our time abroad, and I think we had overall a decent and engaging time. As we left the bar, I asked her if she wanted a drink at another bar or at my place and she suggested the bar which I took to mean that she didn’t want to go back to my place. So, we got drinks at bar number 2. We talked for another couple of hours and joked around… we’re about 8 hours into our date and we’re kissing in the back booth of this bar and holding hands and I asked if she was sure she didn’t want to go back to my place. She agreed and we proceeded to hookup at my apartment. We had sex, talked to each other for some time, hugged and said our appreciation of each other, and she cabbed it home. It seemed like a fun hookup for both of us.
The next day I got a text from her that, even though she had a fun night, she didn’t want to go on a second date. She said even though she had a good time, and that her decline of a second date seems confusing, she just didn’t feel as much of a connection as I did. When I asked what had happened and if I did anything wrong… she said that she didn’t really want to go back to my place yet and went with it anyway and felt off today about that. She said there were other things about our chemistry that were off but those were 2 separate issues. She also said that perhaps I didn’t need to ask a second time if I said no the first time. Lastly, she felt confused today and that she knows that doesn’t help me understand.
Overall, I felt a bit saddened that we seemingly went through the sorts of checkmarks of a good first date (the length of the date, engagement, sex) but that something was still missing on her end. I felt quite saddened and blind-sighted. But I guess most of all, I worry that I might have killed some of the chemistry by…asking a second time. Are there….any rules to sort of follow here that I’m missing? Or is… everyone different and sensitive in different ways and maybe communication sort of failed in both directions here. On my end, it seemed like something changed at the bar while we were kissing and touching and so… I thought I’d ask again to see if she wanted to come to my apartment. If she said something like “Hey I’m having a good time but I just don’t feel ready to hookup yet… but maybe next time?”, I think I would have taken that fine. Was I being pushy? Or did we just… sort of under communicate together? Overall, is asking for physical steps in date like… a kiss or for someone to come back to my place… okay behavior?
I think it depends on the person – some women might welcome being asked twice to go home together – but on the first date, it’s probably best to err on the side of *not* suggesting that more than once even at the risk of missing an opportunity for sex. More often than not, it’s going to wave a red flag if you’re pushy right off the bat about getting intimate. If this woman last night was on the fence about her feelings for you or was trying to figure it out, your pushiness didn’t tip the balance in your favor, but if she liked everything else about you and the connection she was feeling, being a little pushy may not have been a deal-breaker.
thanks for the advice… I really didn’t realize. Thanks
Yeah, what Wendy said. I personally would err on the side of not asking someone back to your place at all on the first date. The first date should just be a quick drink or two to make sure there’s some attraction and interest in spending more time together. Going back to a guy’s place the first night you meet feels chaotic and unsafe to me, and probably a lot of other women. And it sets a tone that this is a hookup, which I think is in conflict with what you actually want. So just probably don’t do that. Have a nice time, get out of there, then send a text saying you had a nice time and ask her on a second date. If there are fireworks on the 2nd date you can ask her to come in at the end of the night. Once. Twice IS pushy.
I met my long-term boyfriend online and did the online dating thing on and off for a few years. I never went home with anyone from the apps after a first date, even the men I liked and hoped to see again, because it felt like a risk, especially given how many online dating horror stories I’d heard. First dates always felt like sanity checks to me and I think I’d have been wary of a man from an app asking me back to his place so quickly, tbh.
Also, you don’t say how much everyone had to drink on this date, just that you went to two bars. I could absolutely see her feeling like you were pushy/took advantage if she was drunk.
I agree with the above about being consistent with what you say you want and your actions. If you’re looking for a real relationship, you shouldn’t be trying to get everyone back to your place on the first date. That tells women you really just want a hookup, or at least you just want a hookup from her. Most women will assume/think that unless you’re somehow different than every other single man looking to “settle down” but not actually walking that walk.
As Copa said, the drinks part of it is what makes the territory especially hazy. That’s troubling. Two different bars means at least a few drinks, right? I can see someone feeling regretting what they did, in the sober light of day, and I can that see especially if she was not sober. You really have to be careful that everyone is in control of their faculties when you’re talking about consent.
yeah my only response to some of the responses here is that… I don’t think hooking up on a first date should be any real indicator of intent… it should be one of interest. But that’s just me and that’s where I come from on this having… grown up in NYC I guess. But I can see how… that’s different from person to person.
Yeah but you can show interest by texting her the next day and saying you had a good time and would she like to go out again.
Asking for sex on the first date just shows interest in sex, do you get that? It in no way shows interest in the woman, getting to know her, or dating her.
I’m also in a major city and not once did I think a man inviting me home after a first date indicated that he was interested in dating me. Not to mention the safety concerns…
I don’t think you did anything “wrong” per se – but my two cents is that it could be perceived that you met the initial “no” gracefully with an invite to continue spending time together. However, you continued to drink, probably each drank a little too much, inhibitions are down and so the next ask is potentially perceived as taking advantage of your inebriated states.
You got a sober-ish no followed later by a (likely drunken) yes. In the future, try to get that yes closer to the sober-ish state. And yeah, most women are not taking a one night stand into relationship territory. They don’t expect it and they may not want it.
Please don’t act as if we’re all podunk idiots who don’t understand how women think, dating or relationships work. We’re the age range/slightly older and have lived in urban areas and cities. If you want to hook up, that’s fine, no judgement, BUT you can’t tell me what you’re doing is getting you what you say you want.
Do you understand how many straight men generally try to get some the first date? It’s not showing anything other than that you have warm blood, are horny and are a mammal? Gentlemen with serious intent to date wait a date, at least. I don’t care if you think that makes me sound old or what.
Like you’re the guy in your mid thirties, who should know better- writing in with his post, with this borderline last “first date.” You have to change, my friend. The culture is not to get your date so drunk she is telling you she doesn’t want to see you again the morning after. That’s not mutual chemistry you were feeling.
