Am I being too pushy on dates? I could use some advice.
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Just because I’m disagreeing doesn’t mean I think you’re stupid. I think you’re misconstruing the two. And I think this is mischaracterizing what happened:
“…get your date so drunk she is telling you she doesn’t want to see you again the morning”
Eh, I’ll side with wendy’s point and style here.
It may be that she feels you wouldn’t respect her boundaries again the future and maybe in the cold light of day feels she was coerced into having sex with you, while drunk. It’s not a nice feeling to wake up and regret what’s happened. It sounds like that’s not what you were intending, but her feelings about this are valid. Getting offended by our responses on here and disregarding people’s experiences on the other side of this is disappointing, and makes me think you don’t actually want to be told why she responded the way she has.
You keep saying you’re dating in NYC and it’s different there. That’s how you’re acting like we don’t understand and we’re idiots. A chorus of women are telling you it’s your behavior, which you also knew, which is why you wrote in. Just because I say it expecting a mid-thirties dude to understand this- I expect much more from men your age. Is that really so bad? You’re a grownass man. Act like it. You act like you know more than us and are doing it right, and wrote in for advice and if someone doesn’t say it nicely enough, you’re out? Boo hoo.
LOL, why are men so sensitive?
Is it so hard to understand that women want a connection over more than many hours and many more drinks? before you tell them how badly implicitly or subtly (trust me, it’s not subtle) that you want to fuck them before you get to know them? They don’t want to feel like a nameless blob of female flesh you found on tinder to sleep with for the evening. That’s how a lot of women feel out there in dating land.
I’m not going to apologize for not sweetening up my language to make you feel better. You should know better than taking drunk women you barely know home to screw at your age. You’re on a slippery slope. You could get someone who has an especially low tolerance or is on medication and have some real problems on your hands. Stop taking women home on the first date, just my advice.
I mean… your date told you herself that she didn’t think you should’ve asked a second time. Her opinion should carry the most weight here, but okay, you came here and the consensus was that yes, many women would perceive what you did as pushy for a first online date and perhaps you should reconsider inviting them back to your place at all if you’re looking for a LTR. It’s generally considered a red flag if a man brings up/pushes for sex very quickly as far as online dating is concerned.
I’m the one who brought up alcohol because it sounded like a marathon date revolving around drinks. If she had enough to drink, decision-making and consent become a slippery slope. My worst decisions in life have almost surely all been drunk ones.
You don’t even seem sorry that you made this woman uncomfortable. You only seem sorry that she doesn’t want to see you again.
She told you her reasons.
You came here and gave your side of the story in which you’re the unassuming hero and we all pretty much agreed with your date. You got a No, took it gracefully and then asked again later, after more drinks.You asked for perspective, and we gave it.
When I say “there it is,” I mean, there’s the real Jeff.
Your original post was written to make you appear polite, thoughtful (all those ellipses), and genuinely seeking advice to improve your dating success and your interactions with women.
But what you really wanted to hear was that it varies by woman so you really did nothing wrong.
What you did not want was for a bunch of women to tell you what you could have done differently or better.
Carry on!
Also, if this is the kind of woman you think you want to date — which I’m assuming she is since you are sad she doesn’t want a second date — maybe take her feedback to heart instead of looking for proof that she is an outlier. Many women would have said no thanks to a second date and not engaged when you asked why because many of us have had experiences with men not taking rejection well. (You don’t mention whether or how you responded to her.) This woman gave you something honest to take into consideration, but you’d rather find someone online who did not spend eight hours on a date with you to tell you your date was the problem than even think about changing your dating habits.
I’m sensitive about it because of Anonymousse’s tone. I think that’s just a bit harsh of a tone. I don’t think I’m some lecherous predator and I came here geniunely confused and seeking advice. I am taking Wendy’s … which is that hookups and the culture can be confusing and it’s best to err on the side of caution. That makes sense to me even though… I honestly feel like there’s nothing wrong with getting drinks (she had 3, I have 5) and deciding to hookup together. But it can be confusing and so be prepared.
Yeah if you read Anonymousse’s tone and implication… yeah that’s why I’m annoyed. I think that person is really convinced that there’s something inherently at odds with hooking up and having a relationship (all of mine started with a first-date hookup more or less) and that the date was borderline. I think that doesn’t capture how confusing dates are and… and I think you’re going to disagree… that I did anything wrong. Dates and hookups are confusing and not-great ones can happen and misreads can happen… and it’s not always the initiator’s fault. I really just don’t think I did anything wrong per se… and that’s sort of what Anonymousse is implying.
Hey look at my first response to Wendy. What are you talking about about not taking some of the advice here to heart.
I actually don’t think I did anything wrong Kate. My takeaway from this is that I did nothing wrong but that it’s still best to avoid first date hookups if that makes sense.
