Am I being too pushy on dates? I could use some advice.
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Why does your avatar keep changing?
If you’re okay with someone rejecting you over it, why does it matter what goes through someone’s mind? IMO, you do seem insecure about it and her rejection of you over it.
Copa: It doesn’t allow me to post twice while using a fake email so I have to keep changing the email address.
I am insecure about the rejection and I’m glad I came here to ask. It seems like I might have been perceived as doing something wrong so… it’s best to ask for advice I think. I’m okay with someone rejecting me… it happens and is part of dating… but I think it’s always good to reflect about what went wrong and if I did anything wrong. I’m just looking for clarity and I think I got it.
It honestly seems like… yeah it would probably help taking things slowly.
Kate: “No, you’re not getting it. Look, I’m not going to tell you how to have good sex, but that’s not it.”
Eh, but maybe not? It seems like past sexual partners were okay with me. Again, I’ve had relationships that were successful. It doesn’t seem bad to be overly communicative in bed. I think asking someone what they like and don’t like in bed (while naked and in bed), is just fine frankly and it’s odd people don’t think that? Maybe I’m missing something…. but I don’t think this is the point of the post.
I don’t hate you! LOL. I don’t know you. I don’t care enough about you or most people to hate you. That’s your ego talking.
I think you’re pretty creepy as a 36 year old man in the dating world. Getting drinks and getting drunk and hooking up isn’t leading you to what you want and I’m telling you exactly why I think you’re failing at relationships, but I’m not being nice and flowery and telling you it’s not you’re fault, you can’t know what every woman is thinking…no I won’t change my tone or tune and make it sound nicer for you. You don’t sound nice or respectful of women to me. You don’t sound like you’re interested in these women at all, as people, really
Assume every woman you see has been coerced and meet them for a brief drink as described above ispnstead of making it a marathon of drinking and pushing for sex. That’s all I’m saying. Let her take the lead. Tell her tofu had a nice time and you’ll wait for her to call you if she’s interested in a second date. I’m saying at your age you should have more awareness and respect for women than to treat them, date them the way you are currently and expecting a relationship out of it.
You’re taking this weirdly personal. I met my husband through a NSA FWB arrangement so stop telling me I don’t know or understand sex or people or hooking up.
I know and understand more than you do about this. She felt pushed and icky afterwards. She told you that. And you didn’t even have sex?! So for being obsessed with pushing for it on a first date, it’s an odd thing to not get the jack out of the box at the end.
You’re drinking too much, that’s my guess. If you had whisky dick, she probably had more that three drinks, over all that time, too.
Yeah Kate and I know each other, sort of. We’ve been offering dating and relationship advice to men and woman for like, a decade or more. And I’m so tired of men saying they didn’t know most women are pressured for sex on dates, or that sex on a first date it’s like eyeroll inducing for women everywhere. Do you send unsolicited dick pics?
You dating women that are 36, right, Jeff?
When you first said the asking what she likes in bed, it was not clear it was in bed and not at the bar. Clarity, detail. So sorry I had that one detail wrong.
If you can’t get it up, don’t ask what she likes it bed. A hard dick.
Yeah, amen, a hard dick. and don’t make her sit there and tell you! Take the lead, do something, and just be really tuned into how she’s reacting.
Yeah, as I’ve been saying from pages ago- and others have- take it slower. Don’t try to take her home on the first date, it’s insulting at worst and can be weird and coercive and gives the impression you only want sex. That’s what I wrote pages ago and you told me I didn’t understand dating and hookup culture, and that you’ve grown up in NYC…so I responded that I’m not a podunk idiot, we’re all educated, modern women.
If you had led with, “I took this woman on a date to multiple bars, we drank for nine hours, three drinks for her, five for me. I pushed her to come home with me, but then I couldn’t perform and she left. She didn’t want a second date, why?”
We would have told you right away what the answer was. You left out the most important part. Hookup man cannot hook it up. That’s why. She didn’t want to come home with you, you didn’t read the body language or whatever and couldn’t perform. Her boundaries were pushed and it’s your whisky issue.
I would have told you not to drink so much and keep it shorter. Second date, go for a meal and left her invite you in or not.
You can just write a post saying this is what happened and I’m feeling insecure about it. You’d likely have been met with more compassion if you’d done that instead of disagreeing with everyone for five pages as you insist the way you date is correct even though you’re not having the kind of luck you’d like and bemoaning how confusing consent is.
Anyway, it happens sometimes, but it’d likely not be a dealbreaker to a woman who has been out on a few fun dates with you and is enjoying getting to know you/likes you. On a first date when you were pushy and then, by your calculation, only 60% enthusiastic to be with you? Nope.
Anonymousse: She had 3-4 drinks, perhaps some of mine. I’ve never sent an unsolicited dick pic, or even a dic pic in my life, I’m 36 and sometimes I date or hookup with younger women. And I think that’s literally okay.
I think you’re pattern matching. I don’t think I’m failing at relationships at all but yes, this one date is confusing.
As men/AMAB, I think it’s a good idea when interacting with women that we recognize that every woman we speak to has likely had a great deal of terrible interactions with men. I assume that until I’ve proven otherwise, I’m seen as a potential threat. Assume that without enthusiastic consent you’re applying too much pressure, because women typically are socialized to say yes in place of possibly hurting a man’s feelings, because when men’s feelings are hurt they can become dangerous.
It’s not that all men are dangerous, but any man has that potential, so it may as well be all men.
