DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@veritek, I’m not sure to what degree that’s true, but you’ve said on these threads a few times that you just want someone to hug you and tell you it’s ok. Which is a normal feeling, but maybe needs to be resisted during those times when you’ve just got too much going on and need to get it together before actively dating.
Veritek I get shit happens. But if “shit” keeps happening than I have to think a couple of things: One you are not ready to date at the time, two you can’t handle dating in general much less a relationship. If you told me you had like 5 jobs, parents with dementia and add a two hour commute to see you one might bail as no one wants to handle that drama from the start. Sorry but if it is tough for you handle than no guy wants to be a caretaker from the get go. Well there are some guys who might, they are tougher to find than a nice guy. You sound like you are in a better place right now, just don’t try and settle one of these guys down to quickly.
Ktfran, if you are being dramatic on the interwebs than one would think that might be happening in real life as well. Much less this a coworker, you gotta watch how that spills over into work, believe me people can see it even if you think you are hiding the relationship. You keep saying you are “fine” are you trying to convince us or yourself? I know that stings to read but it is a legit question.
Look everyone, my tone may be different than what you normally read but it is legit. Straight up, no punches pulled and with all the other tones and voices here you should be able to tell the advice is straight laced. I am not correct all the time but I will throw out a male point of view that should be considered.
JMO, in general don’t freak out on people you are dating (applies to both men and women). That’s what friends are for (or internet boards 🙂 and eventually husbands and wives).
You need to separate friends from boyfriends/girlfriends. Friends don’t care because they are not emotionally as vested as romantic partners who are thinking of long term relationships.
I’m actually not being dramatic on here. How am I being dramatic? By disagreeing with you? I stated explicitly what happened. I used the word meltdown when in actuality, it was probably not a meltdown in a true sense of the phrase. I apologized for my word choice. People are allowed to have bad days. If someone I’ve been dating for nearly six months splits on me for having one bad day when we had nearly all good days, well then it’s not someone I want to be with. It shows a lack of empathy. The only reason I said we’re fine is because people kept saying “I’m sure Ktfran is fine.” And I was simply agreeing and saying that I know we are. There’s no uncertainty about it.
You have it in your head that I went off the rails. When you first posted, you even had the story completely wrong, showing poor reading comprehension because zero of what you stated was what I wrote.
I’m not sure why you continually come to post here and tell me that what I’m feeling and how my relationship is progressing is somehow wrong.
Finally, we are no longer hiding the relationship. We just choose to keep it professional
I don’t think anyone said this was going to be a problem if it was a one time thing. A bunch of people correctly pointed out that if it keeps happening (hurt, tears, etc. in response to relationship glitches), that wouldn’t be healthy.
And to be fair, when I hear meltdown I think emotional breakdown, not a few silent tears on someone’s shoulder. When I have a meltdown it’s a full on freak out. I had one last summer and stopped drinking.
You used the words “meltdown” and “dramatic”, don’t back pedal too much, Clinton may call you for a referral.
“I know I’m fine. I actually wish I hadn’t said anything here. I think I was being dramatic when I used the word meltdown”
I will let it die, you are reacting and engaging defensively and pretty harshly, and I am just some guy on the internet.
@ktfran, you’ve spoken on this thread before about how you are quite guarded and private, so I can see how crying on your boyfriend might have felt pretty dramatic to you. It shows a lot of vulnerability. FWIW, I interpreted your use of the word meltdown as hyperbole, and you’ve been dating long enough that you could probably get away with an actual emotional meltdown every once in a while anyway. I’m glad things are working out so well with your relationship and that you had a good birthday!
Kate, I completely understand what you’re saying. It was the constant insistence that I did something “wrong” that was getting to me. And like I said, meltdown was probably the wrong word… But as shakeourtree said, it probably felt that way to me because I am guarded and that one day was out of character.
I actually told the story not because I was afraid we were on the rocks, but because I thought it was a good example of us working through an issue that I handled less than ideally.
I now know I can talk to him and tell him anything and hopefully I’ll continue to let my guard down and communicate effectively. That won’t always be the case and I hope I can still vent or share my frustrations with both myself and the guy in a forum like this.
If using the word dramatic and/or exaggerating once on an intranet site makes me a drama queen, then guilty as charged. However, from all of my posts, I appreciate those who know me well enough to know not to take everything I say so literal.
Also, shake, my birthday was quite lovely. As was the night we spent away. Thank you for asking!
I had a meltdown something like 6 months into the relationship with my bf. It was over a similar issue actually, although more of an introvert-extravert conflict – he needs a lot of time on his own and had left to work by himself for a few days at a moment when I already felt we weren’t spending enough time together. I tend to be the anxious-attached type while he’s more avoidant so it created a bad dynamic at that moment.
It wasn’t a big problem in the end though. I think I learned how to express my needs better and we both got some insight into the dynamic we had going on. I’ll add that pretty much all the small fights we had in the first year of our relationship have stopped happening since. Now there are basically just discussions instead, and instead of melting down I’ll say “I’m feeling a bit vulnerable right now” or something.
From that experience, I think it’s a bit of a myth that the early stages of a relationship are or need to be the most drama-free. Of course drama isn’t necessary, but I think a few more emotionally intense moments as you get to know each other can be normal and ultimately help create more trust. (It’s different in the very early dating stages, like the first month or two, I guess. If you already have drama at that point I think it can’t work out. But 6 months in is a bit different.)
