DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@ChimingIn He’s been divorced since January; apparently I was the first girl he’s gone out with since his divorce. He told me he is “awkward” and “not very social” and indeed that seemed to be true – it seems like he had only really dated 1 other person other than his ex-wife and he is almost 32 years old. I talked to him about why he & his ex-wife broke up and it was because after less than 2 years she fell in love with someone else and then wanted to be poly. (Neither he nor I would ever want that.) He basically said if he had known her better they never would have gotten married.
He & I are both Christian and we have almost all the same interests. It’s SO difficult for me to find men who are genuinely involved with their faith and also like the same things I do (literally ALL the same things!) and also who I think are cute. I am just really, really disappointed…more so than I originally realized, I guess. It was a huge letdown because I was super excited to get to know someone who seemed like he & I would fit so well together and then after 3 loooong, fun dates, he just calls it off. It makes me feel awful.
It could be (probably is) that the timing is off…but I’m so sick of that being the reason. And also just really sad.
I hear you! He sounds like a nice guy, would you stay friends with him? It really sounds like he has a lot to work through 🙁
I’m sorry if you said you already do this, but do you have any activities at your place of worship? You could always get involved in those events/help them organize them and you’ll definitely meet people. I think if you do things you enjoy…you meet people.
I am excited for your super excitement, but maybe when you meet a guy just look at it like you’re going to be friends first, and then you can decide if you’re right for each other.
Don’t let this get you down! Do things you enjoy and you’ll continue to meet people!
@ChimingIn Actually, I sent him an email yesterday telling him I would like to be friends, dating pressure off, and just enjoy some of our similar interests together without the “romantic” aspect of it putting pressure on it either way. One of the biggest reasons I was so sad is that I had been excited about getting to know someone with whom I had so much in common and who seemed great. I didn’t want to just never talk to each other again; that would be dumb. I emailed him because he doesn’t have a smartphone and he’s very introverted – we’d been communicating mainly via email with a few texts here and there – and I know he read the email.
I really hate a lot of the ways in which we date now because it seems so manufactured. I felt like it was pretty unfair because he hardly knew me and he was already saying no. If we had met out in person and had been friends first rather than on a dating site where things can seem so forced, I wonder if it would have been different. I basically said that in the email, too.
All in all, I would like to be friends with him so I guess we’ll see what he says. I just wish things had happened differently or that he would give me more of a chance. 🙁
@TheLadyE That’s great! I understand your excitement, but who’s to say he’s such a catch? I mean maybe you will be glad that you’re friends with him instead. Maybe his introvertedness could border on moodiness and he could be more cold than you’re used to. So many factors, but at least this way you’ll stay friends. Maybe you’ll meet his friends, who know other friends…you just never know.
In the meantime you can focus on things that make you happy and do them 🙂LadyE, if the guy was not ready to date, he would not put his profile on a dating site.
IMO, from what you said about this being his first date, he wants to test the waters for a while before committing to anyone.
So don’t worry, if you guys are really compatible, he may get back with you after a while.
LadyE, I think three dates is plenty of time for someone to know whether he wouldn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship. You say he barely knew you, but then, that means you barely knew him, too, right? So, it seems both of you were about to come to some kind of conclusion about your feelings without really knowing each other well. You decided you really, really liked him. He, for whatever reason didn’t feel a romantic spark. It isn’t about timing. Trust me. If a guy is super into a woman, it doesn’t matter if he was divorced last week (I mean, it does in terms of having a successful relationship; you want someone who has processed his divorce. But a recent divorce doesn’t mean jack in terms of pursuing someone. If a guy is interested he’s going to go for it.) I think he probably just didn’t feel chemistry or attraction. It happens. But you need to accept it and let it go. And maybe instead of putting so much weight on common interests (including a shared faith maybe?), spend the first couple of months that you’re dating someone new just getting to know each other and building a friendship. I think common interests are FAR less important that mutual attraction and chemistry.
I’m not sure if you mentioned this — I didn’t pay close attention. But did you guys get physical at all over the course of your three dates?
@kmtthat With the swiping apps, I swipe left on most guys. (You’re not being too picky. I hate when I’m told I’m too picky. Picking a partner is the only time in life you’ll ever get to pick who your family is. Be picky, PLEASE.) Honestly, I really like Tinder and never thought I’d say that. I’m fairly discerning about who I’ll meet from online, but the guys I’ve met from there have been really great in person — kind, smart, interesting, good-looking — and I’ve had a good time even with the ones I haven’t wanted to see again. I’m actually going on a second date with someone from Tinder tomorrow! I joined Match recently because I had some luck on there in the past and — sweeping and unfair generalization alert! — the guys on there have that Lonely and Desperate Vibe that sometimes comes across on these sites. Tinder moves faster and the volume can get overwhelming (I’ve never liked dating multiple people at once), but I think it’s great that you can only contact or be contacted by someone who has shown mutual interest.
@Materialsgirl Congratulations on your marriage! Wahoo! So jealous you were in Yosemite! My dad’s side of the family goes on an annual trip there and I’m so sad I’m missing it this year (it’s going on now as I type this and I keep getting pictures of Half Dome). It’s one of my favorite places in the whole wide world. (I feel I cannot go to Banff in Canada because I don’t want it to steal my heart from Yosemite and think it might.) I heard the waterfalls were roaring this year in comparison to the past handful of years.
@Wendy TBH, I hadn’t decided that I really, really liked him so much as I liked him a bit, thought he was cute, and was excited about the potential. It’s probably me being more sad about the lost potential than anything else. And I know I need to get over it and move on; I’m just bummed right now.
For what it’s worth, I am fairly sure, particularly from the way he talked about her/their relationship, that he is not over his ex-wife. I am sure he didn’t feel the same for me in the whole week and a half we knew each other as he did about his ex-wife, and he’s probably looking for that again, subconsciously.
Personally, I absolutely need someone to share my faith. It is one of – probably THE – most defining thing about me and I take it very seriously as far as how it shapes my life. Christianity gets a bad name in the mainstream (often rightly so, I’ll be the first to say), and I’m a very different flavor of Christian than a lot of what you might see in the media (ugh), but it’s so vital to who I am that it doesn’t work for me to date someone who doesn’t at least share those core beliefs.
And no, we did not get physical in three dates. It would have taken a lot longer for that to happen between us. He *is* socially awkward and I did not want to get physical right away; I wanted to get to know him a lot better first. I mean, we hugged each other but that’s it. This is why I’m saying it’s hard to tell. To be honest I think that it may be a mix of him not knowing what he wants and him not being over his ex – and we may just not be romantically compatible in the long run – but for me it was too soon to tell.
I wanted to spend the first couple months getting to know him and building a friendship – that was my whole goal! Maybe we can do that outside of the pressure of dating. We’ll see.
If I had made tentative plans with someone for this Friday and hadn’t heard from them by now, I would either text him to see if Friday is still happening so I could make other plans if not or I would just go head and make other plans. If he happens to text you after you’ve made plans, well, now he knows to be more proactive if he wants to hang out. If he doesn’t, then oh well, you already have other plans.
I think the key to success with Tinder is stamina. I’m a discerning swiper. I’ve only met 7 or 8 guys from Tinder (I’ve been using it off and on for just over a year), but I liked all but one of them! Still, it took amassing LOTS matches and chatting with dozens of them to get a handful of dates. It’s a lot of effort, but it’s less effort than it would be to actually go out on dates with some of these clowns. I usually swipe while I’m watching TV or something so it doesn’t seem so onerous.
@TheLadyE aren’t there dating sites specifically for people of certain religions? Like… JDate and Christian Mingle or something? If finding somebody who shares your faith is so important to you, I think you might have better luck searching where those people already are. Like at church events (as someone else mentioned) or on a faith based website. At least that way you already know the person shares your faith, and you can focus on what other things you may have in common.
Personally though, I’ve been on a LOT of dates from Tinder and OkCupid and PoF and all that… and I’ve never met anybody religious in that time. So I can see it being difficult to find the type of person you’re looking for in those masses. Shit, I have a hard enough time finding somebody who has a job, wants a relationship AND is somewhat attractive… Adding faith to the mix would narrow it down even further!
And for the record, I totally understand why you’re bummed. It’s not the loss of the specific person… it’s just that you were excited about where things could go, they gave you hope, and then that hope gets extinguished and you feel like you’re back to square one. It blows.
I don’t understand the religion thing. I am probably an even more minority religion (like way more minority, since you seem able to meet guys of your faith) AND it’s a central part of my beliefs, and I’ve had the best relationships with guys who believe in God but aren’t part of an organized religion. They respect and don’t judge my beliefs. I want to challenge what makes you so sure you can only have a relationship with a guy of your faith. These socially awkward Christian men who won’t kiss you aren’t working. How about a spiritual guy who’s not awkward or a nerd and wants to make out? They are not too hard to find. If a guy hasn’t tried to kiss you by date 3, he’s not attracted to you. If the dates are hours long, then I’d say by date 1 or 2. He’s not attracted, and a relationship won’t happen even if you build a friendship first.
