DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@hfantods to step in on the move in question, when my ex and I decided to move in (albeit briefly), we jointly looked at what we were both willing to pay rent wise and our ideal commute. We found places within that price range, and then within that ideal commute range too. We moved across province, but we did downsize a lot of stuff, as most of it was either bought or given used, and so we didn’t have a huge attachment to it. We kept the stuff that we needed (ie kitchen wears and certain furniture) but then jointly split the cost of new stuff (ie couch, BBQ, shelving etc).
We ended up having good timing, as he lived on his own for August before I moved in at the end of the month. So for you and your BF see if there is a good time frame for when your lease ends and maybe have one of you move in before the other if they aren’t at the same time.
I would definitely go over the list from Wendy’s page with him, that way he is also aware of what has been done and discussed to date, but also make sure there isn’t a tight timeline for finding a place so you both aren’t pressured (I can tell you, having one month to look across province was hard!).
I don’t post a lot, but have posted about my relationship a little. Overview – we were together just over a year, both late 30s, he has 3 kids who’s lives I have become fairly involved in. He was married and had kids young and when we met we both were interested in casually dating as we were both getting out of more serious relationships, but we clicked really well and it turned serious fairly quickly.
The last few months we have discussed his desire to date and trying to decide if it was a want or a need. He has decided it is a need right now and ended it on Friday night. So many things clicked for us, values, lifestyle, vision for our future, he became my best friend and we shared so many common interests and I always had fun with him, even on just a random trip to IKEA.
I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t fully in, and is still wondering “what if” about the path not taken, but I am also so heartbroken as I was so excited for our life together. We haven’t closed the door to a future together, as he said he ultimately wants what we were planning, he just needs some time to be a bachelor. Obviously I told him I wasn’t going to wait around for months or even a year while he figures it out, but a big part of me is hoping that after a few weeks without me he realizes what we had. In the meantime we have given back our keys to each others homes and will finish exchanging stuff later this week and I have told him I will want to go no contact (he isn’t happy about that, but said he will respect it).
I guess I am not really looking for advice, I just needed to get it out and writing it down makes it more real I guess. But if anyone has any advice or positive thoughts/vibes I am accepting them.
@scorpio I’m so sorry this is happening and it must be so hard, especially since you are so compatible and were moving forward so well.
I would say it is definitely possible that he will come back to you at some point. (Not trying to give false hope but I’ve seen it happen and experienced it myself.) Particularly when he realizes that there are not swaths of late 30s women lining up to casually date a man with 3 kids. He will miss what you had for sure, and I hope if it’s what you want and the timing is right that he does come back and apologize and you can move forward together.
In the meantime, I wish you peace and the knowledge that you did all you could and you deserve someone who is all in, not operating with FOMO and wanting to “date”. Ugh, dating is the worst. He’s about to find out just how much “fun” it is.
Being newly single as well (just shy of 2 months now), I know how it feels to end something when so many others things fell into place. Your situation is definitely unique, as it wasn’t so much either of you falling out of love, or not being compatible, rather him needing to explore more on his own. So although I can say I know how you feel, I won’t know the exact feelings as they are unique in your situation.
But please know you are not alone. Make sure to really keep to that no contact rule, get back into more social events (holiday events are full blown at the moment, go for dinner, drinks, events with friends). If you find yourself thinking too much about him or the situation, write yourself a mantra to go to when you are feeling down. Also, podcasts help a lot to distract.
I really hope you are doing okay, you are not alone, and stay strong! Do things you couldn’t when you were with him, and I would even suggest a few counselling sessions to just help sort your thoughts and have a truly third party weigh in on things. Self care!!!
Thanks @cleo. We actually had a pretty full social calendar leading up to the holidays and a lot of it was with my family and friends so I have lots to do, I will now just be doing it solo which is strange. Luckily I already had a girls weekend planned for this coming weekend so that will keep me occupied and hopefully be therapeutic.
I like the idea about the mantra – I will need to find a good one today.
I actually had just started to see a counsellor to deal with some anxiety I have had recently around work and my career, so I have something already scheduled for next week. I will just be throwing a curveball into our session with this new topic!
@scorpio Glad to hear you have some distractions and things to look forward to already 🙂 Best of luck and keep us posted how you are doing 🙂 The holidays are always tricky when the presence of someone is no longer there, but you seem to have it filled with just as many people that make you happy!
@scorpio I have no words of wisdom or anything to say that will make you feel better. Break-ups suck — they just do! I found, as I got into my 30s, that my break-ups felt easier in that they felt less traumatic (I’d been through it before, knew how to handle/distract myself and better manage my emotions, knew I’d survive) but I also felt the disappointment more acutely cause it was also kinda, “really? again? I’m back at square one again!?” But, I’m glad you seem to be as positive as you can be under the circumstances. I second @Cleopatra_30’s comments to make sure you take good care of yourself — cry when you need to, stay involved in your favorite activities and pick up a new one or two should you feel so inclined, talk through your feelings in therapy, and, of course, tell us about it in this thread! (Crazy fact: I have received support from this community for major and mini break ups since I was 25. I’m 33 now, and so much wiser from all the wonderful people who contribute their thoughts/experiences/words of support.) I also really like physical activity when I’m anxious or sad and highly recommend it, even if it’s just getting outside for a walk.
Thank you everyone for the kind words
@copa – you are right that breakups are different as you get older. I remember my first big breakup I thought “I will be alone forever now”. Now I know I will find someone else when I am ready to date, but can’t believe I am here again.
I took today off work, it has been very hectic lately and I could actually take today off without too much stress so I figured why not. I went to the gym first thing in the morning and have spent the rest of the day being cozy inside (the first snow storm of the season is happening right now where I live) and popping outside every once in awhile to shovel the driveway.
He has been texting me, and I answered, mostly because we were talking about the weather and he is driving into the city for a concert so I was worried. But I know I need to cut that off, if he needs time alone he has to understand that means he doesn’t get my love and support right now.
I am still very much in the “I hope he gets this out of his system quickly and we can get back on track” phase, but I am sure I will move on from that once I cut contact.
I have seen how supportive this community has been for others, so thank you again.@Scorpio, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, but try not to personalize it too much.l (easier said than done). Imagine if he had written into us, marrying young, having three kids, and then jumping quickly into another serious relationship. We would have told him that he needs to be single a bit and figure out what he wants. It wouldn’t be a reflection on the person he was dating.
