Asking for a diamond
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Just because you want it doesn’t mean you should ask for it. I think this is a situation where you wait and see if anything is offered.
I have an engagement ring and a wedding ring. They are the symbol of our wedding and our commitment not my daughter’s future wedding and commitment. In general, when you get an heirloom ring it comes from someone who has died or it could come from someone whose marriage has ended in divorce. It doesn’t come from a marriage that still exists. In many ways asking for the ring would be the opposite of honoring your parent’s marriage. It would be taking the symbol of their marriage and remaking it into the symbol of your marriage as if their marriage no longer existed. While their marriage exists it is the symbol of their marriage and their promises to each other. While you want something sentimental you don’t seem to understand the sentiment that the ring represents.
This is why I think the personalities matter. I was at my mom’s last week and asked where they got their toaster oven, because ours is dying. She gave hers to me. Then I admired a console table, and she gave me that too. I wasn’t even hinting at wanting to take either of those things, the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. She doesn’t use the toaster oven and was glad I could make use of it. She never particularly liked the console table, so didn’t mind giving it away. She’s always doing stuff like that. She loves giving things to her kids and helping us out. If I was in this situation, she’d either give me the ring, or she’d explain why she didn’t want to and there would be no guilt or hard feelings. She’d probably still try to make me take it and I would of course refuse and it would end in us each trying to make the other happy.
So, what’s your mom like? How would she react to something like this, do you think? None of us know her, so I think you’re mostly going to have to answer this yourself.
It seems like it is already set to be a family heirloom, I mean she told you already you are getting it when she dies (or did you assume she meant all jewelry, and not everything but that?). You are just trying force it to be yours instead of you giving it to your kids.
I mean if she knows you are that serious with your SO, do you think she would have offered it? Also, it’s your mom, even if she has a month to think about it, she isn’t going to find a way to say no even if she wants to, so you would definitely get it, even if she doesn’t want to give it to you.
She’s told me for as long as I can remember that “When I die, you get all my jewelry.” I’ve mentioned before I love the band she wears and she goes “When I die, it’s yours.” So I know she’s attached to the band that she wears.
I don’t think it’s ever been offered because she has always assumed I would have very expensive taste and would want something “better” than hers. She has told me she assumes my dad would have to wear a black tie for my wedding (this was started years ago). I have told them that’s not the case. She also still thinks I hate onions like I did when I was 10….
I keep trying to think of an appropriate situation to asking my mom for her diamond (which she doesn’t wear anymore either) and nope, there is none. It’s her diamond and she’s still married to the person that gave it to her. What if you and your boyfriend get married and then divorced in 5 years – the symbol of your parents love becomes meaningless. Get your own ring which you can then turn into a heirloom for any future children you might have. My Mom has told me which china sets are mine and which are my sister’s when she passes – I can’t just go to their house and ask her china now, it’s not mine! Let your mom keep her ring as a keepsake if she chooses and file this under ideas you’ll never say out loud to her!
I don’t think you get to start the family diamond/ring tradition with someone else’s ring. By all means, go ahead and start the tradition with your ring, but you don’t get to decide that you want to start a family tradition and then ask someone else to go along with it.
The way I see it, it really depend on your relationship with your mom. If it was *my* mom, I’d go about it by asking if there are any family heirlooms or traditions passed down among the generations. I’d then express that my partner and I were discussing marriage and engagement and I thought if there was a family/ring or diamond, that would mean much more to me. I’d never outright ask for my mom’s diamond or ring.
Another approach would be to have your partner ask about family traditions/heirlooms/rings/diamonds.
You keep talking about the ring as if it’s yours. You want it to stay in the family, etc.
It’s not your ring. It belongs to your still living, still married mother.
It doesn’t matter if your mother has said you’ll inherit it when she dies. I would assume that means that she intends to keep it until she dies. And maybe she’ll change her mind. Maybe she’ll want to bury it with your father when he passes. Maybe she’ll want it buried with her when she passes. It’s a symbol of their marriage, their story. Their story isn’t over yet.
Why can’t you find a ring that has meaning to you and your boyfriend? Why do you have to have that particular ring?
Don’t ask for it! As others have said, it’s your mom’s ring, not yours, which means she’s the one who gets to decide if it becomes a family ring.
When your mom tells you that all of her jewelry goes to you when she dies she means exactly that, when she dies. Until then it is hers and she intends for it to remain hers. If she intended for you to have any of it sooner she’d be saying something different. Respect your mom and dad enough to respect their marriage and the symbols of their marriage.
I think you need to spend more time thinking about finding a ring that is meaningful to both you and your boyfriend. Something that says your relationship is sold and will last forever. Something that suits both of you and your personalities. I know a couple that designed their own rings and they matched. They looked nothing like the typical engagement or wedding ring. The only thing that would give away that they were wedding rings were the fingers they wore them on. Think about what would make rings special to you and your soon to be fiance.
When you respect someone you respect their things.
Just take it and have it set before she realizes it’s gone. When your mom notices insist that you bought it yourself and that her ring never existed. Stick to your story 120 percent and never waiver.
You know your mom better than anyone here. If you thought this was a terrible idea, you wouldn’t be considering asking her. But you are, which means that you think that she would respond well (and by well, I mean not necessarily saying yes).
So, I would ask. But not like “Can I have your diamond mom?” but more like to get insight into why she doesn’t wear it and if she would ever think of giving it up. Ask In a more sutil way.
