Asking for a diamond
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This reminded me of another scenario with my mom, that’s perhaps more analogous. When I was pregnant with my first, we were going through some of the stuff that she’d set aside from when my siblings and I were babies. Things that my grandmother had knitted, favourite outfits, etc. Well she brought out a pile of blankets, and then she showed me each one in turn to see if I wanted them. All except the last. Without thinking, I went “what about that one?” And she went “Oh, I love that one so much, Grandma made it for me, I didn’t want to give it”. That was her immediate reaction. Her next reaction, right after, was to say “Actually take it. It’s not doing any good sitting up in the closet, your baby should have it”. And of course I refused, I told her I don’t want to take it from her because she loves it so much. It ended with us feeling closer and more loving.
I think if she had a ring she’d never worn and I asked about it, the exact same thing would happen. And I didn’t want the blanket because I felt “entitled” to my mom’s belongings. I wanted it because my grandma had made it and it has personal meaning to me as well. Which I think is what TheHizzy is getting at with the ring. I understand it’s a sign of her mom’s marriage, but it’s also a sign of the marriage that produced TheHizzy, and a sign of her parents’ love for each other and successful relationship. If it’s been sitting in a jewellery box for 20 years, it’s certainly possible that her mom isn’t attached to it anymore. Her mom might be happy to see it on her daughter’s hand, rather than sitting in the box for 50 more years.
That being said, I still wouldn’t advise asking if you don’t know that it’ll be ok, relationship-wise. With my mom, I’d ask, because I know what would happen. But you have to decide that for yourself based on your relationship with your mom.
I don’t think she is demanding anything. Or feeling entitled to. She approached the forum asking how could she ask. I haven’t read anywhere where she says that pressuring her mother might get her the diamond.
I think people put waaay too much though on diamonds and other things. Yes, it may have sentimental value but she will never know if she never asks. The mom could have thought of it but never mentioned it. It could happen.
At the end a ring is just a thing. If the mom had a car that no one uses and LW wanted to ask for it everybody would say yeah, go ask. She is even considering paying for it. People get way too attached to things. FWIW the mom could think that it’s a great idea.If the ring is just a thing then why must LW ask for THIS one? I don’t understand why her and fiance can’t save and eventually afford their own ring to make into an heirloom for future generations of their family.
I would be saying the same thing if she was asking for a car by the way. The only difference would be an added suggestion that she make an offer for a fair price rather than ask for it outright. Since LW can’t seem to afford her own ring right now, and there is the added difficulty of putting a price on something of sentimental value, I did not make that suggestion in the case of this diamond.
I just feel to need to state that in my initial post I had asked about offering to pay for the ring, or replacing the diamond for my mom. So it is not a matter of “cannot afford a ring” or “feel entitled to her ring” or “pressuring her for her ring.” We already have money saved for a ring.
I am not asking for anything to be handed directly to me. Thank you for all the input and everything is being taken into consideration.
Sorry, I did not see anywhere you had stated you were offering to buy the ring in the initial post – my mistake.
If you feel like you can offer her a fair price go ahead and ask I guess.
What would you do if you she refused your money? Would you still object to having anything handed directly to you?
If you think that her diamond could so easily be replaced why do you need it? It could just as easily be you who gets a different diamond rather than your mom. This isn’t about buying something. You are wanting to buy something that isn’t for sale. Why do you think you need her diamond but she doesn’t. Why would it have more emotional value to you than to her? Why is it the only diamond that will do for you but could be replaced with another diamond for her?
At the most you could ask if there is any heirloom jewelry that could be used to make an engagement ring for you. Heirloom is usually considered to be something that belonged to someone who has died. You are skipping ahead to wanting something that belongs to someone who is alive and whose marriage is too. It would even be different if your dad had died and your mom had remarried but that hasn’t happened.
Do you have any siblings? If you do then this involves them also.
It was several people who assumed I was asking outright and it was probably due to poor wording on my initial post. I wanted to clarify for all individuals on this thread.
If she refused my money, and handed it to me directly but I could tell hesitation in her voice or body language I would NEVER accept it. I would thank her but communicate with her.
If she refused my money, and handed it to me directly without hesitation or looks of regret I would continue a conversation of how to repay for the ring in a way she is comfortable.
@Northernstar,
Also – this may be the dynamic between my family and wouldn’t apply in others, but I don’t see asking as the same as entitled.
It’s a nice sentiment, right? Often it’s a sentiment that is meaningful to the bride AND her family. That’s why lots of families do pass on rings.
It’s not the same as asking for a bunch of cash you don’t have. Also, asking does not necessarily mean you are going to demand a yes, or that you will pout or pressure if you get a no. It’s asking a question.
But then again, I was raised in an ask household (hence why I’d be comfortable asking and why I know my mother would be comfortable responding whatever way she wanted), maybe you were raised in a guess household.
Which is cool, but it doesn’t mean that askers are entitled or rude for having different ways of going about things than you.
This would not strike me as inappropriate at all to ask my mom about a ring she doesn’t currently wear. As my grandmother expressed when she handed over a lot of possessions before she died, you can get a lot of joy in seeing your things passed down before you die and seeing the happiness they produce in your family/friends while you still breathe. That my mom might have something that would give me great happiness, that she no longer used, I don’t feel would unacceptable to ask if she could part with. She might love to pass it on but hasn’t realized I was interested. Or I might be underestimating her attachment. This is information we both can only gain with open dialogue.
However… if the LW had the relationship where such an ask wold not be out of place, I also agree it’s somewhat unlikely she would be asking for advice here. She would already have asked.
If asking is going to happen, I am 100% with her or the fiancé asking about family diamonds in general, not specifically this one.
I just do feel it’s not polite to ask for something valuable that belongs to someone else and that you don’t need.
My grandmother left her entire silver set to me. My mom’s silver set had been stolen when someone broke into our house years before. She didn’t ask me if she could have the silver I had received, even though it was her mom’s, even though she entertains all the time and she knew I didn’t and it would just sit in a drawer. I gave it to her. Her asking would honestly have been weird. She was given a 1-Carat flawless diamond in a platinum Art Deco setting by her widowed MIL. Neither of my parents would have asked. It was a gift, and she still wears it as it originally was made, no re-setting, even though her taste is different. I don’t know…
I’m definitely not from a “guess household” and I agree with @Northernstar. I’m from an “ask when appropriate household.”
I have 3 sisters and believe me, we ask each other to borrow or have things all the time. My oldest sister is a giver beyond belief and will buy me things I never even knew I wanted. But when you are around generous people, you have to be cognizant that they can often feel uncomfortable saying no and also that just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
This is not to the LW or you in particular but if there was a 1% chance that I was taking advantage of someone’s generosity I would not ask.
@CeeSea. Fair enough.
I guess again, it all comes down to your family, and knowing what is “appropriate” or not.
For me, my mother isn’t super generous. That sounds weird to type, she’s very loving and giving and there for me when I need it.
But, she raised me (and my brothers) to be a self-sufficient adults and gosh darn it, she did it successfully. So now that we’re all grown, she’s not one to bend over backwards if she doesn’t want to.
She put in her time when we were kids and now she’s living her best life. As she should.
I would not worry about impeding on her sense of motherly duty, ’cause I know she’ll tell me where to get off if she wants to.
As of how she raised us, I actually ask her for very little, very rarely. So, the idea of asking for a ring because of the sentiment actually strikes me as relatable. My mother wouldn’t find it rude for me to bounce a notion like that off her. She may say no, but that’d be fine on my end.
But again, this is my mother and my relationship with her, others’ mileage clearly varies.
