Asking for a diamond
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And to be clear – my comments here today are specific to mother-daughter relationships. In general, I wouldn’t take advantage of someone’s generosity. With friends that are very generous, or with someone I didn’t know, I wouldn’t assume they are like my mom.
But we’re talking about mother-daughter relationships, and in my own, I have no worries that I was taking advantage of my mother or pressuring her. I couldn’t pressure that woman to do anything she doesn’t want to.
Yeah, it definitely does. My mom raised me to be a strong independent woman and ask for things also, but she herself has a very hard time saying no in her personal life. She can’t say no to family in particular. She didn’t want me to be like that, but she is. If I asked her for something like this, she MIGHT say no if she felt strongly enough, because she’s not as brainwashed by me as by, say, her older sister… but no way could I be sure.
I dunno, maybe my family is just different or maybe my mom and I just have a different kind of relationship… but I would have no problem talking to my mom about this kind of thing. I’d just say hey mom, how would you feel about this? If she wasn’t ok with it, she would tell me. And I’d say ok mom, no problem, I understand. It wouldn’t be a big deal between us. But then again, we talk about pretty much everything.
“I’m going in knowing she has every right to say no. My goal is to turn her diamond into a family one. I am under NO assumption that it is MINE. I understand fully that it is hers and it would be a major thing for her to part with it.”
Yeah, but there’s merit to not putting a person on the spot. If you and your mother have a very open relationship, where you both feel OK being brutally honest with each other, then fine. But if not, even if you feel inside (and tell her) that you aren’t assuming, that doesn’t mean she won’t feel pressured. I guess you could mention to her that you like the idea of having heirlooms and hope that maybe her rings could be in the future, and if she chooses to say, “Hey, would you want it?” OK, and if she says, “OK, you can give it to your kid one day, ” then OK for that.
I actually was given a ring from my mum that I had remade into my engagement ring. My mum inherited it from her aunt and had it remade so the materials are getting up to about 80 years old at this point. My scenario went like this: I was getting serious with my then BF and was telling my mum that I thought we were going to get married. We were discussing rings, I said I wanted to design my own and out of the blue she offered me her ring. The big differences were it wasn’t a wedding ring for her and she offered unprovoked. Really I think that’s the only way this can go down where you have a clear conscience about your mother’s true intentions. Offered organically as part of a general discussion means nobody is pressured or obligated and nobody has to feel like they are missing out. Family heirlooms are nice and all but I wouldn’t want them given with the possibility of any sort of emotional motherly obligation.
I think there is a huge difference between a ring she doesn’t wear and an engagement ring she doesn’t wear. The second is much more personal and meaningful than the first. An engagement ring isn’t just another piece of jewelry. It is a symbol of a promise. A commitment to spend a life together and the ring is the public symbol of that promise. It in no way is just a piece of jewelry that isn’t worn anymore. It has a monetary value but its value is much more than that. Its value is emotional and symbolic.
My problem here is that @TheHizzy does not want a ring, she wants a diamond. She stated that she would reset it. You are asking to cannibalize a woman’s wedding ring – a living woman who is still married to her husband. It is insensitive.
If you like the diamond, then ask your mother what the specs are – shape, size, color. Then buy your own. I am with other commenters that you need to drop this fantasy. It is not a family tradition, and you don’t get to start one by paying your way in.
Some suggested having the fiance ask. But you said they don’t really know him. How will that look – asking for your hand in marriage when he isn’t close to your family, and in the same breath asking for a diamond to do it. I wouldn’t trust him if I was your parents. Asking for your hand and then offering to pay them money for something that is NOT FOR SALE is also tacky.
You have a lot to lose from asking – just get your own diamond.
I think you need to let this one go. It isn’t your ring, she is very much alive and married, and hey, even though she promised you her jewels, things change. My grandmother, who is 70ish now, once promised me the same. She has now told my 14 year old daughter it is all going to be hers. The point is, it is hers to do as she wishes, and if that includes not wearing it, that is her business.
OMG just tell it would mean a lot of you could have the ring because the diamond/stone is an example of the first example of true love and marriage you’ve known. My mom gave my (then boyfriend) her engagement ring because 1- that was her viewpoint, 2- I’m the only female child 3- it gives her joy to see me wear it.
Seriously, if an engagement ring really is supposed to symbolize love and commitment, if your parent’s relationship shoes that to you, then what could better represent that bond.
Also, it’s just a freaking rock people. That apparently sits in a box. If her mother got THAT upset about her daughter asking that her ring have some actual meaning to it, as opposed to just some commercial bing, I think there’s a bigger problem.
MissAnntThrope, if it’s just some expensive rock sitting in a box—let the poster buy her own dang diamond. If it doesn’t mean anything, why does she need her mom’s?
And if it means something symbolic to mom (like, oh, say, the symbol of her love with her husband), why is she supposed to fork it over for the LW to pry out of its setting, change, and use as her own symbol?
The whole initial post just really rubs me the wrong way. It sounds so incredibly selfish to claim this is about “keep the diamond in the family.” HELLO: Isn’t the current owner, a living and married mother, family?
If it were my mom, I’d just ask. I’d feel comfortable with whatever answer she gave. I hope and think that my son would come right out and ask me in a similar situation.
