It doesn’t have to be the same thing, either “just a rock” or an important family symbol, to everyone involved; it could be just a rock to her Mom and an important family symbol to her, in which case, Mom would be happy to let her have it. Also, even if it is important to her Mom, she may prefer that an important family symbol be actually used rather than kept in a drawer. She not going to know unless she asks, and I just don’t see the harm in asking, unless she feels that her mother is likely to give it to her even if she doesn’t want to, and she ought to know her mother well enough to know how likely that is.

“A diamond should always be offered not asked for.” seems like one of those Miss Manners-like rules like “it’s tacky to have a bridal registry, because it’s asking for a gift” which prevents a practical, and often appreciated, solution for those who have no idea what to get for a wedding gift, and was usually more honoured in the breach. Guests always used informal channels to find out what a couple wanted and many ladies were very capable of making it known that they would like a diamond without coming out and asking for one.

Kate, FWIW I wasn’t attempting to quote you. I believe that “A diamond should always be offered not asked for” is a old saying that some etiquette mavens (people who are like Ms. Manners, however, I am not suggesting that Ms. Manners herself uses that particular saying) put forward and that is what I was referring to. A number of commenters were expressing a similar sentiment (it’s tacky to ask for something as valuable as a diamond) and seemed to be influenced by that saying and it was the saying that I was criticizing. (Actually, it seems to me that the saying doesn’t really apply to this situation since it contemplates a gift from an admirer and not a family situation like this.) I didn’t even realize that you were the one that came closest to matching the quote.

I am actually a fan of Ms. Manners although more of her created persona and the wit she uses than her actual opinions. When you say that she never dealt with this situation I assume you mean the specific situation in this case. She certainly often deals with bridal registries (and I would have said that she disapproves of them, or at least only reluctantly tolerates them, but I bow to your superior knowledge) and engagement rings. Just as a guess, I would say that she would say that because this deals with a request from a daughter to her mother, it is a family issue and not really the province of etiquette (or at least is subject to a different etiquette).

It is perfectly reasonable to want to hang on to the ring even if you don’t wear it, but it would also be reasonable to not care about it (“it’s just a rock”) or to feel that it should be used rather than stay in a box, wouldn’t it? The last two aren’t some aberrant absurd feelings that no reasonable person would hold, are they? The question is which is the mother’s view? And surely it’s better to ask her rather than speculate

So totally diverting from the original topic, but I don’t understand why we should still consider it rude to put “No gifts” in the invitation. I can understand why it’s rude, at least in the Anglo-white culture to say “No boxed gifts please” as that is seen as a cash grab, and our culture is still kind of weird about talking and asking about money. Which, it’s culturally relative but I acknowledge that’s where we are at. Half of my husband’s family is Chinese-American, the no cash rule is totally relative though.

But – I think when that rule was created, couples getting married where young, had never lived outside of their parent’s home, and consumer goods were comparatively more expense. These young couples *needed* help setting up a household. A registry made sense.

For many couples getting married these days, all of the above isn’t true.

I got married in my late twenties, and my husband and I had already been living together for several years and already had everything that we needed. If anything, we wanted to shed some stuff. I didn’t really want money, either.

Is it really that rude to include “The only present we request is your presence” in this day in age? Why should we force couples to sign-up for a registry and accept gifts because that made sense 50 years ago?

Can’t we say, politely, that we don’t really want gifts?

I find wedding presents these days so awkward. I had some relation married about a year ago and they own two homes and have anything you could imagine…it was kind of weird to look at their registry, because to me, it was all useless junk they already owned…they didn’t need another 24 piece wineglass set..you know?
Yes, bah humbug. But seriously!

If only all were like you @ele4phant.