Asking for a diamond
- This topic has 103 replies, 12 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Yes, putting “no gifts please” or putting your registry on your actual invitation are both considered a breach of etiquette, but seriously who cares? Do what you want. Baccalieu brought it up.
We did the grapevine, it was actually really easy to do with a small wedding. We didn’t have a registry and didn’t need cash but had no information with the invitations at all. We let our parents know that travelling in for the wedding was plenty and we certainly didn’t need anything and if anyone called them that was the response. I think that way nobody who isn’t asking for that information feels put upon and those who do ask are still getting the right message. We got a few gifts and a bit of cash which was fine, it was a loving gesture and we sent everyone who attended a thank you note whether they gave a gift or not.
Eh – I don’t know.
All I’m saying is, I didn’t want stuff, and I did everything I could to communicate that to people. It mostly worked.
I also didn’t really want, expect, or ask for money, but I also don’t think it’s more or less rude for a couple to set up a “registry” in pay-pal or something so guests can help them with a financial goal than it is to set-up a registry for household items.
And while Miss Manner’s may still think the latter is rude, most of us don’t anymore. So why not also move so we don’t view the former as rude too?
I just always give cash, and I think a lot of people are maybe heading in that direction? Like we got maybe 15 or so gifts from our registry, out of say 60 or so couples/families. Most people gave cash, by far. And neither my husband or I are from cultures that give cash by default. A handful of our guests were, but most were family so same culture as us.
The last two weddings which we attended, which were both nieces of ours, we gave money, as did most guests. In one case that was suggested by the couple, in the other case it wasn’t. The current generation is far less into things: expensive furniture, silver, crystal, china, etc. than prior generations, both because they have less space and aren’t as into the hoarder/collector mentality. Even my generation is much less into stuff than our parents’ generation. Entertaining is far more informal. Really, we only ever used the silver and china when my wife’s family, which was very formal, came together. Dinners/parties with friends and work peers, at our home or theirs, was always far more informal and my family has always been very informal. Really, I think a dinner is more relaxed when guests don’t have to worry about breaking expensive stuff. The wedding industry is a huge industry and the registry gifts are a big part of that industry. Newly weds don’t have a great immediate sense of what they actually need and can fit into their household, if they have basically only lived with their parents, in a school dorm, or a few years in a small apartment. It seems clear that travel and other experiences are much more important to them than things, especially formal things. In my experience, the bridal couple have never been disappointed to receive cash.
It just seems to arbitrary. Being directed to a registry of stuff is acceptable (for most of us – Miss Manners non-withstanding, this is generally socially acceptable now). Being directed to a registry that would help fulfill financial goals is tacky.
Either you want to get the couple a useful gift and you’re okay with them giving you direction about that, or it’s not acceptable at all (which I guess is where Miss Manner’s is still officially at). The line between a registry of stuff being socially acceptable and a registry to helpful a financial goal being tacky seems arbitrary to me.
@ele4phant, my guess would be because it’s coming from a tradition on outfitting a marital home. So it’s ok to say what you need for your home, but not ok to ask people to finance a vacation for you. I’m sure that’ll eventually become acceptable too, as more and more people do it and it becomes part of the tradition.
Probably also because the gifts for your home are seen as “necessities”, while a vacation is not. I know we don’t see fine china as a necessity anymore, but at one point, they did, so it’s still part of the tradition.
So, for me, tradition isn’t a good reason to maintain social norms. Just because it was made sense 50 years ago and we’ve been doing it since then isn’t a good reason to keep doing stuff.
I mean, I get social norms are slow to change, but I’m still going to rail against customs I find to be pointless, ’cause I guess I’m cranky like that.
No one cares! Yes, some people will side-eye your honeymoon fund or furniture fund or house down payment fund and not contribute to it. Or side eye it and contribute anyway. Plenty of others will be like, “sounds good!” Some people will give you cash. Some will give you a traditional gift they pick out. Some will not get you a gift. It’s their choice. Let them do what they want.
Regardless of what the manners people say, I don’t think a registry is rude and I don’t think a honeyfund or similar asking for $$ toward X is rude. I also don’t think its rude to tell people no gifts.
I DO think its rude to not send a thank you note, though. Even if its the ugliest sweater you ever received, great aunt Mildred still gets a note.
And I still don’t think wedding gifts will go out of vogue, but I do think the shift will be toward more $ and less stuff.
