Boyfriend takes solo vacations often
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I’m not really saying that to be flippant, but by saying you’d be gaining something together, you’re assuming something about his feelings and priorities that may not be true. He is probably quite happy to be able to enjoy his freedoms and this fab lifestyle while having a lady friend at home for fun and companionship. If he was seeing a problem with this, he’d be trying to solve it. Staying home more would mean more downtime with you, but if that were a priority for him, he’d already be doing it. I’m not saying he doesn’t like/love you, but he’s not acting like a guy who’s feeling a lack of couple time and trying to remedy that. You may be important to him, but not as important at this point as his ability to jet around. I’m not sure trying to convince him he’d be gaining something by going away less is the right track. You should start by taking the pulse or temperature of the relationship and go from there.
You guys are great. Those last two comments had me laugh. PS) This forum is super helpful. Thanks, everyone. It’s just so interesting of a situation. Nearly two decades of memories and I was his date to pretty much every family, life and charity event through the years. When we started dating a year ago all of his friends and family said we should wear matching shirts that say “duh” because this was a long time coming. Now, he has me and we are in a groove, but my main question stems from trying to find the best way to ask him “where do you see this going?” We both are well-known in our communities (and he comes from a famous family) and each have amazing lives. My media career has me interviewing all sorts of celebrities and involved with amazing things, but is just more home-based. So, folks, it all comes down to (1) how amazing you all are for reading this and offering advice – thanks, and (2) how to best ask that tough question correctly so he can give an honest answer.
I mean, you just pick a chill time when you’re not doing much, and say you’re so happy you two finally got together and you kind of want to check in and see how he’s feeling. Then the conversation progresses from there and you both talk about how you feel about each other and what you’d like for the future.
You sound a little bit like, head in clouds, not so much a realist, idk.
Kate, just read your above comment. Love the “pulse” idea. Exactly. I think this whole thing caught him off guard. All of a sudden I was single and told him I’d always just adored him. He agreed and we’ve been together ever since. In no way were either of us planning this and I’m sure he’s had a million thoughts this past year about what this point is and what it all means, how it would work, etc. He just needs to fill me in and maybe then I can decide if it will work for me. The most interesting thing about all of this — and this fact is backed up by about 50 people we each know — is that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in over a decade. He’s a very fun, happy guy with lots of close friends who tend to do everything together. He’s probably wondering how all of this works also.
I assume the “gain” would be more shared experiences and a closer relationship, etc. But I’m a little confused about how you know he’d agree with that. If he agreed and wanted that sort of life instead, it seems like he’d have already made changes or at least brought up the conversation. I don’t mean this in a rude way, but that’s not something you can convince someone to want.
Surely he’s smart and observant enough to see your challenges, specifically by the fact that you just can’t go on vacations with him. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of weight on the idea that he doesn’t understand, but that if you help him to understand, he’ll make changes. You’re definitely welcome to have that conversation, but I think it’s good to be prepared that he already sees everything pretty clearly and is actively making decisions about what he wants — and to know what your response will be if that happens. Because by the time that you get to that point in your life, his ability to do all that might be waning, so it’s important to consider if this is sustainable if you two are never on the same page.
ETA: Maybe he doesn’t know what it’s like to have a gf, but maybe he knows and that’s why he hasn’t had one…
… oh, and the funniest thing about all of this is how we haven’t had this serious “pulse” talk, but he keeps booking vacations for us. “Baby, we’re going to Hawaii in a month. And don’t forget the next Europe trip this fall.” So, you can see how it can be a bit confusing to be the girl in this situation. You are always planning fun down-time, fancy dates, etc. in the sort-of-future, yet I haven’t a clue your thoughts.
“The most interesting thing about all of this — and this fact is backed up by about 50 people we each know — is that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in over a decade.”
Yeah, my guess is he didn’t want one. A guy like that, if he wanted a girlfriend, would have one. It sounds like you told him you are really into him, he was like, cool, and you started hanging out and taking trips together, and that’s enough for him. I’m not sure he’s seeing this as a serious relationship. If he did, he’d let you know.
“and I’m sure he’s had a million thoughts this past year about what this point is and what it all means, how it would work, etc.”
Not necessarily. Again, I think maybe he’d have shared some of that with you. He may really just be grand with how things are right now, undefined, free, etc.
Dinoceros, great insight. Thanks. I know, I totally get it. I think it’s just wild to think about gearing up to ask the tough questions and being able to take the tough answers, if it goes that way. He’s super smart and well-connected. If he wanted to make things happen, he would find a way. Over the summer, he talked to me about wanting to “take things slow” because we both care about eachother, but now — a year in and after spending every holiday together, international travel, weddings, funerals, whatever else life brought — he knows my deal… and has known for years who I am as a person. Just so interesting to be in this situation that we both always wondered about, and now are in… and are more confused than ever. HA HA!
Kate, you rock! At least you can see why I Googled and found this fun forum. HA! There might be a lot of truth to that, and, coupled with the fact that he is self-described at awkward and doesn’t open his heart easily or share mushy stuff super easily. When he does, which is pretty often now, it’s sort of special because he is not someone normally like this. I think that is what has taken all of us by surprise. And when I say all of us, I mean his big group of friends who often say I’m the only person who has ever gotten him to open his heart. Interesting. Yay, give me a prize… and all I want as a reward is for an honest conversation where he feels comfortable chatting with me. That’s my main concert, making sure the mood and conversation is approached correctly.
