Boyfriend takes solo vacations often
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I also find it a little off that you keep describing how he feels, and how he enjoys this, and he enjoys that, but you have never talked to him about this lifestyle so how would you really know how he is feeling?
I don’t get it. You’ve ALREADY talked about him going on solo vacations. He already gets it—he knows choosing to leave without you means sunning himself on a beach rather than hanging out at home with his girlfriend.
He chooses the beach.
I see exactly why he hasn’t had a girlfriend for 10 years—his lifestyle doesn’t really allow for someone looking for commitment.
Yep, everyone. I appreciate all of this great insight. It’s true. And, his friends say he is happy and that’s all good. His co-workers tell me he has never been happier. His extended family say they have never seen him this way and that it is really nice to see him happy. His friends are also always telling me they apologize for him “being an idiot” and not always knowing the best way to communicate, etc., because he is rusty at dating and used to being alone and fending for himself. In many ways, it’s nice to see so many people so excited about us dating. Truly. His two best friends always tell me that they call him often to give him advice because they “don’t want him to screw this up just because he’s used to being alone.” It’s another interesting dynamic of the relationship. Because if we part ways, I will be losing his tremendous family who spends time with me often when he’s not around, his extended friend group, his great co-workers, etc. — of of which I have known and spend time with for 20 years. It’s really cozy.
One more interesting tid-bit (you guys are so helpful, thank you) is that our friendship has always been so strong. So this dating thing came on naturally. I knew it was a risk. But, I was excited to take it since we had been interested in each other for more than a decade. Throughout our relationship this past year, I have made it a priority of mine to not interfere with the amazing life he has set up for himself. It’s exciting, he has worked hard for it and the last thing anyone would ever want is to change someone they care about. Now that I’m “in this” I’m realizing it is really difficult to miss someone often. We are always together, together having a great time with each other for a week or two and then he’s gone for a week and is missed. He touches base while out of town, but it’s only human nature to miss someone you are dating. So, that’s where it’s been wild for me to try to figure out if I’m strong enough for this and strong enough to ask him point blank what the point of all this is. … Meanwhile, he keeps making plans for us.
It’s kind of concerning that SO MANY other people are so involved in your relationship. And that they’re trying to steer it a certain way, when your bf couldn’t be bothered to. The fact that there’s so much “infrastructure” around this relationship will make it very hard to admit that it isn’t working. You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself (and us) that you’re happy with it. But if it was so great, you wouldn’t need help. You wouldn’t need him to adopt a different lifestyle. His friends wouldn’t need to apologize for his behaviour. His extended family and coworkers sure as hell wouldn’t have to get involved. It seems like you have so much to lose if you give up the relationship, that you’re trying to force it to work when it doesn’t.
Your relationship sounds fun by superficial. I can’t imagine seeing someone for a year and not having conversations about where it is going. A couple that is going to be together for the long term is talking about the long term even if they don’t intend to be married for some time. Those conversations should happen easily and just happen from time to time. In the same way that he talks about going on vacations together and planning something together couples talk about the future together.
He plans vacations and invites you to go but he isn’t asking you where you would like to go. He’s glad to have you come along to do what he wants to do if that works for you but he is very happy to go alone if it doesn’t work for you. His life works for him as it is and having you waiting at home is a bonus but not the essential part of his life. The trips take precedence over seeing and spending time with you. That is who he is and how he will be.
You seem to be the superficial, fun girlfriend waiting for him to show up when he feels like it. If you ask for more I think the two of you will be done because his actions show that the travel is the priority and joy in his life. When his friends and family feel the need to push him in your direction it is because they realize he isn’t moving there on his own. He is in his 50s. Assume that he knows what he wants and is going after it.
Yes, tough pill to swallow, but looking forward our chat. I will feel so empowered and more comfortable.
Please for the love of god update us after the conversation.
I’m with those that said he knows who he is and what he wants. I think if you can handle things the way they are, this relationship will live on. If you’re looking for more, you’re going to have to be the one to end it. He will keep this going as it is as long as you let him. Keep that in mind when you’re having your chat and figuring out what to do next when he lets you in on the mystery of what’s going on in his head.
Oh, I totally will. You guys are all so fun. And there is so much more I could tell. I just fear that I’m “too deep” for him, which worked when we were just friends for nearly two decades because of our great chats and caring for eachother on that level. I’m a smart, witty, funny and well-connected girl in my early 30s. He is in his late 50s. Notoriously, his dating past consists of not much depth in the nearly 20 years I’ve known him — going on dates with a 22 year old bartender a few times, taking a 23-year-old with no personality who doesn’t smile to a charity auction. Nothing really beyond some surface level outings. I have a past of very long and meaningful relationships. He might enjoy thinking of himself as too “live-in-the moment, fun, fun, fun, keep-it-light,” even though I have had the privilege over all this time to get to know the real him… who is brilliant, smart, a lover of history and museums, very caring and very loyal to his close friends and someone who has told me that having a family would be really special someday. If I didn’t love him so much, this would all be much, much easier. And I can say that with full confidence. Oddly, and I’m not sure what this means, but myself — and anyone his close net — would agree that I am probably the only girl who has ever truly loved him. And that’s what makes this unique, both super painful and super sweet.
I can’t help but ask…you’ve known him 20 years and you’re in your early 30s, he’s in his late 50s – so how do you know him? Let’s say for estimation sake, you’re 32 and he’s 58 – that would mean you were 12 and he was 38 when you met. Is he a friend of your parents??
Great question. I was in high school and my dad is a land developer and was selling some property to members of his family. He and his famous brother are in the music industry and I am a musician. My boyfriend became my record producer and we released an album together. So, while it looks creepy on paper, he just was very fun and supportive of me and my artistic endeavors for many years and a great support system. Nothing creepy, ever. Not even a kiss until a year ago. He is a gentleman, in many ways. We always had a vibe — undeniable — and both always just like being around one another. There’s chemistry. It just was never something either of us acted on until a year ago when I was out of my long-term relationship and he was single (which, he pretty much always has been). I was finally single and so he jumped at the chance. I’ve never seen anything like it. Like from a movie. And I’ve never been so swept up. He came on so sweet, so romantic and told me that he’s always thought the world of me. Ages aside, there was no creep factor ever in this story. I’m an old soul and he acts really young (although he is highly successful in business). His days consist of pure fun.
