Boyfriend takes solo vacations often
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He sounds really immature. He’s never had a serious relationship, he does whatever he wants with no regard for his supposed girlfriend, his days consist of “fun”. What kind of adult lives like this? I don’t know, I think unless you want to live the same kind of lifestyle, there’s not much future in this. It all sounds really superficial. His whole life sounds superficial, from what you’ve described.
IDK, just because this guy chose an alternative lifestyle doesn’t make him or his life superficial. He’s managed to keep long lasting relationships with people, even if that doesn’t include a girlfriend or fiance or wife. Which might not be what he’s seeking.
If I had the means to jet around the world, see exotic locations and the flexibility to work from anywhere, I totally would. Who’s to say that’s wrong compared to settling down?
I agree with everyone that there are two main things here: your lifestyles don’t match up and your communication/relationship styles are different.
Lauren Nicole, you mentioned that you have experience and have had many serious relationships but as Kate said it is very strange that you have not been able to have conversations about your relationship without making it a big deal after a year together. Especially when you’ve known him for a very long time! It is a big mistake to rely on his friends for that information. Friends, no matter how well meaning they are, tend to project their own desires and life experiences on the other friends’ relationships.
Also, what kind of relationship do you want? In the beginning you were indicating that if you could you would drop things and travel with him. But is that the life and relationship you want? Do you want marriage and kids? Is that even possible with the age difference? These are all hard questions and it seems strange that the focus of your question is him choosing to go on trips on his own.
I agree with everyone that I think this is the life he likes and he probably won’t change it. But, I do think the issue is not really his lifestyle but how he chooses to value relationships and you as his partner. He could still do that while travelling a lot but it doesn’t seem like he has that as a priority.
I agree the relationship sounds superficial, but not necessarily because of his extended bachelorhood and jet setting lifestyle. More just because with all Lauren Nicole’s updates, all we keep hearing is how wild and fun it all is, nonstop, and how they’re basically fated to be together and at least 50 people think they’re amazing. Yet she has no idea what he’s actually thinking or feeling and has no clue how to have a standard relationship talk. He’s super cool, super fun, famous, wild, and free, but I’m not hearing anything substantial about his character and how he is as a boyfriend (“don’t forget about Hawaii, babe!”)
I agree with kftran that it’s unfair to label him immature and superficial for choosing the life he has.
It sounds like he has a robust group of friends that he has maintained a long time. Sure we don’t know how close they are, but maintaining relationships over years says something.
Furthermore, even if his relationships aren’t, who says it is shallow or immature to make the choose to maintain lots of loose relationships as opposed to a few tight ones? It’s just different. It’s not as though he has had family or children depending on him that he’s letting down, it’s not as though he’s absconding his duties to anyone else in favor of a good time; that would be immature, to leave a family and kids hanging while he goes out and has fun.
Even his relationship with our OP, he’s never hidden or pretended to be anything he’s not to trick her into being with him. It’s not like he promised her one thing and is doing another. It may not be what she wants or needs, but he’s not been deceptive to her here.
Thanks elephant for saying it better than I did. Sure, his relationship with the LW sounds superficial… but that does not make him a superficial/immature person. Especially if he has the life he wants. He has chosen not to be tied down. That’s not wrong.
In re-reading some of the above comments, and my last posts, all of this makes sense. I’m not giving his character enough credit.
(Thank you for all of your insight. You guys, I really do appreciate all of this as I try to figure out this plot line).
Shall we change this title to “Boyfriend likes to take solo vacations often, and is dating me… and himself.”
He is a self-described “loner” who has always been so important to me. I have been one of his closest friends that’s a girl and he has been one of my closest guy friends, prior to dating. It’s not conventional, I know, but our families and friends know, “it’s John and Nicole. It works.” Nothing weird. We are two peas in a pod. And a year into dating, things are starting to feel real to him. Freak out time.
Let’s keep in mind, I have been completely patient, kind, understanding and letting him reach any and all conclusions on his own. To a fault, I’m way too nice and I bring out the best him, and he does the same for me. It’s very nice. Until it’s not. Like when he travels alone all the time. Trips here and there are great, but his 2017 schedule seems he’s running away from something, even though I’m booked for many fun adventures home and far away. Yes, we have chats. Yes, we can be casual, but the white elephant is always an upcoming new solo trip. He assures me I’m so missed and offers to fly me out to any and all great destinations, but with so much traveling, I’m sure I’d lose my media job.
He came on STRONG pursuing me when I was finally available and now seems to be in letting it sink in that throughout every “test,” as they say in dating, I pass. It surprises him; and maybe scares him. Before it was just an idea for us to be intimate and date, etc., and now shit is getting real since it’s been a year. It seems… Maybe the constant flight bookings are his way of still feeling super cool and bachelor-ish.
He gives to charities, visits his ailing dad all the time, is very kind to me, etc. He just is a bit aloof and amazingness and breakthroughs and nice chats can sometimes be followed by him “going MIA” for a day or two. Holding hands, so much affection, beautiful times and conversations and then he won’t reach out for a day or two. “That’s just him. He likes his alone time. He’s busy and inexperienced at having a girlfriend, just be patient,” I’ve heard a dozen times from those close to him. “He adores you, but he also adores himself.”
I want more connection without scaring him away. I don’t want to change him, but want him to let me in. A text takes zero effort. Go have fun adventures, just be normal and stay in touch. I truly mean that. I can’t go everywhere, nor do I want to or need to. Just be cool and connected. It’s 2017. I try to lead by example. He’s super sensitive so our sit-down chat coming up about our “state of the union” needs to be direct, sweet and sensitive. “What is the point of this?” might be sufficient. If we were to break up it would be far too painful to stay in touch. Too much history and I care too much. Thinking about losing my friend, boyfriend and all of our mutual interminglings is very tough to swallow. I don’t have a superficial cell in my body. I’m as deep as they come, which is why people have often said “I’m too good” for this sort of superficial nice, fun man.
A typical month for him could be… a week at home, laptop work, few stops in his office, tickets to an NBA game, dinners at great restaurants, gym workout time, tons of reading, hang with the guys, etc. Time with me. And then a week or two on the road — usually a bit of work (stopping at one of his businesses for a meeting before jetting off for a week alone to “see some sun,” as the winter months can be a drag. … We get together when he’s in town and check-in daily and grab dinner and lunches, movies, whatever when he’s in town, and when he’s on the road he typically checks in each day. Or goes aloof for days. It’s irritating. I never know what option it will be.
I just don’t know what to make of it and, in order for him to best articulate himself — his thoughts, desires, needs and thoughts on things — want to be sensitive to him. He is sensitive, but he’s making me not feel super secure in where things could be headed. It’s “I can’t wait until such and such event in May with you, bla bla” followed by days of him not talking to me. I’m his girlfriend, we are committed. He’s just also half committed to himself. It’s like he’s dating me, and himself.
One minute he dreams of “having a family” and starting that chapter of his life; the next minute he says how much he enjoys his “pick-up-and-go” lifestyle. Where do I fall in? I like the pick-up-and-go lifestyle, too. I’d love to be together, do great things for the world together, travel a lot and just go for it. He is an extremely intelligent man — knows everything about everything. When he wants something bad enough, he makes it happen.
His life is not all non-stop fun, but he has set up a lifestyle that allows him to manage his business affairs from anywhere (all he needs is a phone and a laptop).
He doesn’t drink, reads in bed for an hour each night, etc. He’s very introspective and it seems his love language is “experiences.” For example, planning a trip or great seats at the Broadway performance in town is important to him. He’s not the guy who will sit down and write a love letter, but instead book an impromptu night at a fun hotel or get backstage passes for a concert…. For me, all these years, the most important thing to me is just spending time. A cheap taco stand, bike rides, writing a song, whatever. The rest is just a cherry on top.
He prefers to set deep roots on what he finds important (his extended family, his personal creative projects and traveling, etc.)
It’s a fascinating tale of a sweet man who seems to want two lives. When I simply want one. Let’s make a plan and do this. Or a plan to let him go back to dating himself.
How do you know this:
“And a year into dating, things are starting to feel real to him. Freak out time.”
Did he tell you that? Did someone else tell you that? Or is it a guess?
Actually, this is interesting too:
“…a sweet man who seems to want two lives. When I simply want one. Let’s make a plan and do this. Or a plan to let him go back to dating himself.”
Earlier you were saying you were good with his lifestyle, you just wished he wouldn’t go on quite so many trips without you. Now it sounds like you either want him around all the time, playing a certain role (what?), or you want to be sharing this lifestyle with him, which you can’t because of your local job.
What do you actually want?
