Confused on Ex GF mixed signals. Possible reconciliation
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You apparently weren’t that into her. It’s hard to see it now, when you’re lonely and remembering the good times, but you weren’t. There was an imbalance where one of you was way more into the other one. That imbalance isn’t going to resolve itself, unfortunately. Or, I mean, maybe she’ll be less into you this time around so it’s more even, but do you want that?
Okay, if not wanting to drive for fricken 45 minutes to bring somebody lunch every single day, when she’s got a car and can do it in 10 (or hello, she could bring her lunch with her as many human beings do) makes you a bad person, then I must be the worst person in the world, because I wouldn’t do that either. FFS, I would only have done it as a special occasion right from the get-go. And you were doing that stuff for years, at beginning? Who has that much TIME to spend extra, every day?!
Look, it sounds as though she had the idea that every waking minute would be all about the other person. You can care about her, but you can also recognize that you guys want and expect different things. Some folks like to be permanently attached to their sweetie like a Siamese twin, 24-7. That would not be for me. Chance,I’m getting twitchy just reading about what you’re saying is “selfish” behavior. No, it’s not! It all comes down to what works for both people. I’d be ready to chew my own arm off just to get a little time to myself. That’s not selfish in my book, that’s HEALTHY. She may indeed find somebody who wants someone with no life outside of her, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for pushing away from that. That’s not a “little display of affection.” That’s actually, “consuming someone else’s life and attention totally.” Just because she calls it a little thing doesn’t mean it is for you, or for me, or for a lot of other people. I would feel *smothered.*
It is NOT reasonable to expect that someone will drive out and bring lunch to your workplace every day.
I don’t know ANYONE who does this.
Not everyday, it’s just an example because I never did it. There are worse things I had done. Way worse. Told her I recommended some pairs of shoes over flip flops, she says I never called her beautiful, I emotionally cheated before, didn’t get her a gift for our 3 years anniversary, told her we’d go out to eat to only cancel on her later, there are numerous of things that I did to hurt her.
Expecting you to bring her lunch is BATSHITCRAZY and beyond CONTROLLING. Abusers ALWAYS make their victims THINK they are up on a pedestal… NEWSFLASH: it’s less about worship and more about ISOLATION. Fuck her. Seriously. Fuck her. MOA. You can and will do better than this mess.
I don’t know if you were abused so much as like emotionally manipulated? I don’t know. But look, you weren’t making her happy after a while, you weren’t motivated to make her happy, she wasn’t making you happy, I mean what the hell? The relationship came to its natural conclusion because it wasn’t working. It ran its course, it’s fine, most relationships do.
You say that you hurt her, and it’s your fault. … and I will tell you that you sound as though you are parroting her slamming you on social media. That is bullshit, and here is why: you didn’t hurt her any more than her expectations did. I have a relative who will never ever be satisfied with what her family does for her, and the only way her family would be able to spend enough time with her and do enough for her would be to have no independent lives of their own. Understandably, that’s not acceptable to any family member who actually wants to function as a full fledged adult. So she complains, and is unhappy. The problem is not us, it’s her expectations.
I’ve been married nearly 20 years. Every year, I never get to spend my birthday with my husband, because he’s always with his late brother’s coworkers, because they honor him on the day he was killed, which happens to be my birthday. Now, I’m fine with this. I figure that I’m gonna get older just the same, and it’s a courtesy to my spouse, and it can be celebrated any old day. But I’m sure that there are people who would find this totally unacceptable, and would get cranked out of shape to essentially take a back seat to a deceased person. It’s alllll in the attitude and the expectations.
I hope this makes some sense to you, because it really sounds as though you’ve been drinking her Kool-aid. It’s fine to see what she values and expects. It’s also fine to say, heck no, that is too smothery for me on a day to day basis.
And even to see what she does at work: maybe I’m just very old and jaded, but if she’s good at what she does, why does she need an audience to witness it and tell her so? You can appreciate that she is good at her job without needing to be there like a mommy at a kid’s dance recital. I didn’t have to go to my husband’s job to tell him he’s good; I got my own damn work to do. You don’t have to be bad or wrong just because you don’t to be mommy at the dance recital.
Please understand that not every woman is going to expect the same things from you. The whole point of dating is to find someone who is compatible. Just because you love each other doesn’t mean you can or should meet the other person’s needs. It doesn’t automatically mean that the person who wants something is good, and the person who doesn’t provide is a piece of shit. It often just plain means that you aren’t right for each other and you need different things. I’m not gonna have a personality transplant, so if my husband expected me to be his Siamese twin, we’d never have made it this far. You need to understand what YOU need, if you aren’t going to squash yourself into a relationship with someone who expects what you aren’t comfortable doing every day. I couldn’t do what she expects of you either. *It’s not you!!*
And honestly – if all she can do is bring up what she sees as your sins and to fling them in your face, that tells you something. She never lets something go! JM&J, if she’s even got to dredge up something about shoes and sandals, and that (she claims that ) you never said she was beautiful, you are never ever fucking ever going to hear the end of it. She doesn’t miss you. She misses what she expected you oughtta be. Walk. Away. She is weighing you everyday, and finding that you don’t meet her demands. Fine! Breaking up is the right thing to do! Complaining endlessly to you and everyone else is YOUR cue to stay the fuck away from her. You would be insane to think about reconciling. You two do not belong together. But stop beating yourself up; she’s doing more than enough of that and I think it’s bullshit.
Chance
What you are describing, in every single post, sounds like a grossly unhealthy dynamic for both of you. with time and distance you will see it as such.
Also, this is your last year to have sex with college girls. Don’t waste it chasing after a relationship that made both of you miserable.
While the drive to bring her lunch seems like a bit much, the other things she asked for were pretty normal I think. I don’t understand why the girlfriend’s getting all the blame. Some, sure, but not all. Where he makes plans and just cancell them? Emotionally cheats? For all we know she was desperate for any sign that he cared about her at all and that’s why she was asking him to come see her at work.
Chance, I think you’ve done some great reflection. I agree with everyone that it’s a bad idea to get back together with her while she’s still clearly very upset about how you treated her in the relationship. I would say give it 6 months. Just wait. Don’t get back together. Even date someone else, maybe. Then after 6 months decide if you want to open that door again. Right now you have a hole where she used to be, and the hole hurts, and you’re trying to fill it back up. Instead you should let it heal, then you’ll be able to see the relationship as it really was. And then you can decide if it’s worth it to try again or not, with a clear head.
You need to stop following her on social media – she’s posting to get your attention and you’ll be consumed with it when you see the posts every damn day.
To repeat every other person – the relationship ran it’s course and that’s okay! Most relationships don’t work out, that’s why we celebrate when they do. Wanting your interests and hobbies isn’t selfish, it’s healthy! And if you made some mistakes along the way then learn from them for your next relationship.
You mentioned a cousin breaking up with someone and then getting married – please understand this is the exception not the norm. Most couples that break up and get back together break up again. I’ve done it myself – break up followed by 6 months of no contact and slowly got back together. And guess what, a year later I broke up with him again for the exact same reason. During the first break up I was lonely and didn’t like being single – now I’ve been single for 7 months and I feel freee!
