Difficult situation
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- This topic has 174 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Ange.
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I think that after she told you she felt nothing for you, you 1) several times initiated physical contact – kissing, cuddling, you said in your first post you wanted to have sex but she said she had her period, trying to come in and “watch tv” after you showered, going in for a kiss after talking, etc. and 2) you had a what sounds like a really obnoxious conversation with her when you were drunk, wherein you bragged about all this female attention you just got, which was very much a pain in the ass thing to do, but she played it off like, ok, you’re free, I’m free, and then you gave her shit for being interested in another guy. From her point of view, I bet you were being super annoying.
March 16, 2018 at 1:11 pm #743448Hans The women on here have told you how women perceive this kind of thing. It isn’t political correctness. It is about staying safe and never knowing what is actually going on in the mind of the guy. It is wondering if he keeps showing up at your door wanting you to answer his questions if he won’t be waiting to follow you when you leave the building. It’s the sense of control you appear to think you have when you tell her she can’t get seriously involved with another guy. That is a creepy statement whether you intended it that way or not. It says you think you have the right to veto her romantic life. It makes her think you’ll be watching her trying to catch her with another guy and that is scary. It is the sense that you think you can refuse to accept her telling you that she is no longer interested and she has to try harder to like you or she has to explain her feelings.
Think about the women you didn’t have chemistry with you. Could you explain to them how you didn’t have chemistry or more likely you just know that you don’t feel what you need to feel. You are young but so is she. You are both learning what works for you and what doesn’t. She tried a relationship with you and decided it didn’t work for her. She may or may not know why it wasn’t working. If she does know and she thinks you would find the reason insulting she will be afraid to tell you want it was. Dating is kind of like going to the pool and dipping your toes in and swimming seems like a great idea. Then you jump into water that is up to your waist and it’s too uncomfortably cold and suddenly you don’t want to go swimming. The thing that you wanted to do and seemed like a fun idea is suddenly not fun. Dating is like that. People try out a relationship for a few dates to a few months and then decide whether it will work for them or not. She tried. She gave it a good go. She invested time and effort in you and then realized she wasn’t going to feel what she needed to feel. It happens. Most relationships don’t work. It doesn’t have to mean that there is anything wrong with you. Most relationships just don’t work. People go through a lot of partners before finding the right one. In general you sample people and slowly you begin to realize what you need in a partner and you get more and more selective the longer you date. In general, don’t take it personally when someone finds that the relationship doesn’t work for them. The nicest thing they can do for you is let you know it doesn’t work so that you can move on to a different relationship. If someone ties you up for a long period of time in a relationship they think has no future they are being cruel.
The statement you made about her not being able to get serious with another guy is probably the thing that tipped her into not wanting to talk to at all. It becomes seriously creepy when someone seems to be trying to control your romantic life which is exactly how that statement comes across. If you want to know what happened think about that. In the future if someone says they are done say okay. If they say they are done but want to continue to be friends you say call me when you want to do something. That means that if they are serious about wanting to do something with you they will call but if they are just saying it so that you don’t get upset you won’t hear from them. Either way you will end up knowing what they meant. Leave it to them to contact you. They will contact you if they want contact. Leave it up to them.
samideeMarch 16, 2018 at 1:15 pm #743449Therapy will help you figure out what to improve. It’s not her (or anyone else’s) responsibility to clue you in.
I suggested help for your dependency cause it almost sounds like you are switching from a drug dependency to a dependency on a person… Those getting over addictions are not recommended to be in relationships straight away.
Yo, im sick and tired of people misunderstanding what im saying.
Things happened in a way i find difficult writing down here.
She also initiated physical contact after she told me about her feelings.
You really think i’d get confused if it was all so clear like you make it to be?I’m off, ive had a lot of good advice and insights.
But im tired of having to explain my statements.And anonymousse, she commited suicide by jumping in front of a train while drunk when i was 12.
Please try that yourself, too, it’s a very good way to get rid of useless people.Goodbye, i will delete this thread if possible.
March 16, 2018 at 1:28 pm #743454When a whole group of people don’t understand what you are saying it means you aren’t explaining clearly or it means they do understand but you don’t like their understanding.
Hell, ima say it one more time. If I told a guy I had no feelings for him but we could still hang out, and then he came to my door after partying and proceeded to tell me he was getting a lot of attention from the ladies and what did I think of that… and THEN told me I better not get into a relationship with another guy, I’d be so done at that point. I’d be like, ugh, what an immature creep.
And no, it wasn’t a joke, Hans. First of all, Guy Friday called you out on that already. We know what you really meant. Second, last night you said it was your “logical response.” Only just now you said it was a joke. It wasn’t. And even if it was, inappropriate.
March 16, 2018 at 1:50 pm #743457“And anonymousse, she commited suicide by jumping in front of a train while drunk when i was 12.”
There are so many cruel things I could and even want to say right here, but I won’t, because I am a bigger person than that.
“Please try that yourself, too, it’s a very good way to get rid of useless people.”
How dare you!?
Wow. You have no idea about my life, or my problems. I can tell you are just a mean bully. You are a terrible human being. That was really cold blooded and cruel.
Everyone has dealt with pain and suffering, but only pieces of shit try to inflict more pain upon others.
I’m sorry you have a shit life and no girl wants to be with you. I have a great life.
You are a misogynistic troll.
This is why no one wants to get closer to you. Then can sense your cruelty and emptiness. You are just another crappy dude. This girl was smart and smelled it on you before she got too close. Good for her.
ronMarch 16, 2018 at 2:23 pm #743460Hans —
I say this to be helpful. You are obsessing over this girl way too early. At best you were in a getting to know each other stage. You shouldn’t feel like you are in love with, yet alone this level of obsession that quickly. It makes you seem shallow and desperate.Not letting go of this and just moving on is going to hurt you — badly. You are living in a campus community. Word gets around. keep this up and you’ll be the guy whom women warn their friends not to date or even be friendly with, because you might be dangerous and at best can’t be parted with using the normal, polite reasons. You cling like a barnacle.
This woman has been more than fair with you. And she has probably been totally honest with you. You are upset that she lied and said she wasn’t interested in a relationship. Seeing another guy does not equal a relationship. She is still in the getting to know each other stage with him. And then, male or female, people can be certain they don’t want a relationship until they happen to meet somebody who strikes a strong spark and has a lot in common with them. Then suddenly, for the first time they do want a relationship. I’m saying that from what you wrote there is zero evidence that this woman lied to you, even a white lie to let you down easy, although you can be 100% certain she doesn’t want a relationship with you, and that was prior to your getting weird, which telling her she needs to tell the other guy she isn’t interested in a relationship is in spades — weird, that is, and damned scary and controlling.
The more you trot out your childhood woes and prior problems with women, the more your writing screams: COUNSELING, STAT! You are not mentally ready to date, until you sort out your demons. When you do return to dating, take it slow, casual, don’t cling or try to force a connection or demand explanations if you break up. Most people date quite a few other men/women before they find a relationship which fits. You are pressing and it is clear that it quickly becomes obvious and is off-putting.
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