Difficult situation
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If you wonder why you can’t keep the women you like, ask your close friends. Ask them to be brutally honest. And hopefully, they will be.
lol anonymousse. Hope you feel accomplished now?
1) read my original post again, first paragraph
2) there was a fucking ‘mutual agreement’, and i know, which is the whole fucking point of this thread, isn’t it then?
3) probably yes, and again, more complex than you’d think
4) also probably, if i didn’t need help i wouldn’t be hereAnd by that friendzone comment part, i meant say something more than simply that, because i knew that already.
To be honest, you’re unnecessarily rude, seems like you’ve got some problem of your own. I also only started replying pretty late, when people were starting to get more rude and assuming untrue things for some reason. So, no. I don’t even see the point in debating you since all you care about is your own agenda or something.
Plus the reasonable people on here are actually a rather good alternative for counseling.
Haven’t you seen an evolution in my comments actually? I need to be able to talk about these things and get feedback. Lookie here.
People do not like having to explain their romantic rejections. And whatever you say, your decision to pursue it reflects an underlying expectation that your own emotional comfort and desire for closure from someone with whom you went on a few dates is more important than her clearly stated desire to be done with this crap. It also reflects a baseline in which you are owed continued romantic attention and her refusal to give it to is somehow something that needs to be explained by her rather than the way things usually work for people who go out a few times.
And you don’t need to be friends with this person. There is no friendship that needs to be preserved.
You call it “not giving a shit” but this is basic emotional maturity and respect for the choices of others.
None of my friends were ever involved in my relationships. I tend not to show my emotions let alone talk about them. Another one of my great difficulties. In this case, a good friend of mine lives in the same hallway of her dorm. I asked him, he told me “I wouldn’t know, man”.
I honestly do think you should consider counseling.
And I don’t recommend dating until you do some work on yourself.
Even the comment about another guy charming her more so she chose him is a little cringeworthy.
Fyodor, I appreciate this reply! As i said, i need to grow in this, i really do. So ive also been starting to realize i shouldn’t be dependant on others for my own happiness like this. I truly understand your point of view but what about this:
“clearly stated desire to be done with this crap”. Her telling me she still wants to go on dates (literally), come chill at my place, visit my hometown and saying i could still always stay to sleep over like we did. Makes it pretty confusing, can you imagine.
And again, i don’t feel like im owed anything. I do want romantic attention and she stopped it out of the blue, her choice, of course. But id just rather know why than have her try not hurt me. I want to know why, so i can improve that part of myself. It’s how i am. I used to be an introverted, awkward loner but managed to make something out of myself through social interaction and feedback, using that to actively improve myself. It’s this part, the not being able to handle emotional/romantic situations that’s still there which is always a burden. It’s always the thing i blame myself for. I know emotional comfort is something i should be able to find by myself.
But don’t worry, the continued torrent of hiveminded comments saying i should leave it have made their impact. It’s sort of what i was looking for, really. You should know i am really not emotionally mature, it’s been my working point for the last few years. It’s what i hope to grow in though actively engaging in the thing it’s important to.
Maybe worth noting is that i very recently made the decision to turn my life around for the good. I made some very hard decisions and felt like i was on a turning point in my life. For example, got rid of addiction. A day later, i met her. So in my head it feels like she’s been some sort of katalyst. I am fully aware this doesn’t affect her in any way, it makes it a bit harder for me to give it all a place.
ktfran, i know, ive tried it but most of the time i feel good and everything is fine, really. It’s moments like these that can make it turn around.
I’m going to keep dating, just with other girls. I’m always learning. Especially after this thing, i better know how to understand signals. It’s gotten better and better each time. But as i said in my previous comment, it’s the combination with some personal life altering events that make it all the more difficult. I’m irrationally attached and i realize it.
And yeah it may be cringeworthy but English is not my first language, so i figured that would be the best way to write it down.
Thing is also, i have major difficulties opening up to girls. Which is also why i feel like i haven’t even showed my full potential. And maybe am a bit frustrated in why it had to stop as of now all of the sudden. It is what it is, and it does help typing it out, really.
Sorry if i’m bothering you all by the way, i know this isn’t some therapy session 🙂
What you are asking for is closure – it’s extremely common for people to feel what you’re feeling especially when they are still growing and developing emotionally. The thing is closure doesn’t come from the other person, it comes from within. It’s an acceptance that sometimes you just won’t understand why the other person did what they did but being able to sit with that unease.
I’ve mindf*cked a lot of guys over the years and it never went well for the ones that repeatedly came back for closure. I personally wasn’t able to communicate well enough so I’d get defensive and lash out. She probably doesn’t have the skill set available to tell you what you need to hear anyway. The good news is over the years (with quite a lot of therapy for my own shit) I’ve become an excellent communicator and never feel like my emotions get out of control anymore. The best tip I can give is to learn to identify your emotion (as in am I angry, stressed, jealous, disappointed etc etc) and once you can identify what you’re feeling you can work backwards to figure out why and forwards by learning what you need with each emotion. For example today I sent a snarky text to my boyfriend but I realized he didn’t deserve it, I was taking work and buying a condo/moving stress out on him. I was then able to tell him what I was feeling and why and then know what I needed to do to calm myself down. I wish you good luck and yes, the English as not a first language probably contributed to some comments being taken as creepy.
I mean, you guys do you, but I’m getting a serious Mimosa vibe here. Then again, that would have been one of the first things you looked at, Kate, I’m assuming? Not that I’m not entertained by the cringe-worthiness of this scenario; it kind of makes me feel better, because no matter how down on myself I might get, I know that at least I haven’t done THAT since high school.
“It’s not her responsibility to explain anything, but in my opinion just asking and telling her i’m actually struggling with this hurts nobody.“
You’re wrong. By continuing to press her for another explanation when she already gave you one, you hurt her. It doesn’t matter why. What do you expect her to say? I imagine she feels threatened. You said that she initiated the last conversation and that you responded with a question about the status of your “relationship.” You said you haven’t her from her since. That was two weeks ago.
She hasn’t contacted you because she is not interested in you. If she was interested in you, she would have reached out to you. She didn’t. She didn’t answer your question because she already answered it.
Well the latest comments from @hhans sound pretty thoughtful and open to help. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, maybe it’s honest, but I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt.
Look -she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She likes the attention you give her but she’s not feeling any chemistry. It happens. I can’t say why but it happens. It will happen on your side of the equation – you’ll be talking to some woman and you’ll be like “she’s so cool” and then something will click and you’ll be like “But I don’t want to get with her” and that’s the end of that.
So as everyone has advised, date others – not to mess with her head but because you want to date others. Don’t continue the “friendship” because it doesn’t seem like you had a strong friendship to begin with, you had some connection but there was a heavy attraction undercurrent and that went no where.
And just like you said you need to recognize that your happiness comes from within, you don’t exist to make someone else feel better about themselves. So if she offers you a spot on her bed to snuggle and watch movies – don’t take the bait. Cause that is just to make sure you’re still on the hook – which you’re not, because all of us told you not to be and you’re going to listen to us because we’re right.
