Difficult situation
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Ugh Wendy. The few times I have kindly simply said I was not interested I have been met with insults and hostility. So why would I even bother anymore.
OK, look you did feel entitled. You wanted her to explain herself. You felt entitled to an explanation. You wanted her to tell you the truth. OK. We get it. What we are telling you is that you can request an explanation but you can not demand it. Period. End. So the men gave you the same exact advice but they gave it to you from a different perspective. Now you have both. You came to the same conclusion and you can hear the frustration in the women’s voices that this shit happens all the time.
Someone who I am not going to look up, once said “That men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.” I am NOT saying that you are abusive but I am saying that women have been coached from the time they were girls and start socializing that boys/men are fragile creatures and need women to build them up and that you don’t emasculate men. And men are taught from the time they are young the same thing.
And believe me, she could read between the lines of your text.
And don’t give anyone that “well in gaming we say shit like that all the time” nonsense. It’s shitty behavior. Grow the hell up.
If a guy that I was casually dating said to me what you said to this woman, about her having to tell some other guy she’s not looking for exclusivity, I’d run far, far away. That’s super controlling and frankly, scary. She probably picked up on these vibes and decided she was no longer interested and tried to let you down easy. Even you contacting her about this party or show was unnecessary. You’re not making her jealous. I guarantee what’s she thinking is I wish this guy would leave me alone.
Again, if you can’t deal with what are normal dating behaviors, you shouldn’t date until you fix it.
Well i agree on what a lot of you have to say. But you portray me as some serial rapist or something, while im rather innoncent, really.
And exactly, Leslie, I feel like i can request it!!! I don’t expect her to be able to pinpoint what she dodn’t like in me, i don’t expect anything. I can only ask?
Plus it may be a misunderstanding as well. I didn’t ask her to tell the guy she’s not looking for anything serious to have ‘exclusivity for myself’ or something. I honestly wouldn’t want any guy to be in my position, that’s the truth, how sad it may be.
And yes, i have a big mounth and a small fragile hearth, i know.
ktfran, not trying to make her jealous. I don’t want her to feel awkward, either. This just made clear to me that she wasn’t serious at all when telling me the things she siad about still wanting to go do this and that. By the way, she texted “i’ll see you sometime in the future” afterwards. I’m nt even going to think about it.
Now im off.
Thanks! 🙂
Boy, can’t understand why this girl and apparently every girl before her lost interest so quickly and gave very neutral reasons for not moving forward with you. You’re legit scary.
I’m going to try one more time and I’m out.
“It’s funny because ive also posted this exact same thing on another board that was predominantly male. They were actually able to understand the problem while giving the same advice as you all did: leave it alone, don’t think about it, see other people and don’t bother her with the serious stuff. Yet they never felt the need to talk down on me nor feel morally superior in some way like you did.”
Hhans, given that a lot of what comes across as so offensive is your profound lack of consideration and respect for this girl’s feelings and preferences, maybe it behooves you to give some additional weight the input of people who have ACTUALLY BEEN ON THE RECEIVING END of the conduct you are offering. The point that people have tried to get through to you is that demanding that she explain herself is a deeply intrusive, unpleasant, and disrespectful way to act which imposes your own excessive desire for closure and future-looking dating advice on someone who has no responsibility for that and does not want to give it. They tried to explain to you how offensive and creepy it is to have a near-stranger make demands on you about your dating relationships with a third party. Because this girl’s interests and preferences apparently carry no moral weight with you, you continued to press on here about *your* need for closure and how it justifies whatever you do.
A number of women on this board have been on the receiving end of the extremely bad conduct that you want to engage in and really did not like it. It is not surprising that it would be more judgmental. It’s easy to be judgment free about things that haven’t happened to you.
I assume that you came onto a women’s forum to get their input on what this girl might be thinking and how she would react. When people, who have actual first person insights on this didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear you responded like a whiny, sulky, child.
“Way to go for some of you, some of you should get a load of themselves. And the stereotype for women goes they’d be more caring and whatnot. ”
People, who have better things to do, took their time to respond to you politely and helpfully. When you responded by blowing off their advice and articulating a narcissistic lack of concern for the other person in this story, you received justified criticism.
“Honestly there is a bigger picture here. I’m not just frustrated by the fact that i lost her interest in me. Ive got complexes, unprocessed personal history and was heavily addicted to weed and videogames. When i met her it felt like a finally woke up from a 5 year long haze. I quit weed and gaming, put 200% effort in school, got a job and all. And she was connected to the change. Because of it all, i was literally living on a cloud for two months, everything was great. So this is a hard, hard comedown. It’s difficult to not relapse which is why i was desperate for closure. And desperation does not bring about the brightest ideas.”
All of this is on you, not her. I am glad that you are trying to improve yourself but whatever you are dealing with is not her problem.
I love how the final frontier with these guys is always that *we* don’t get it. His thoughts and feelings are simply beyond our abilities of comprehension. Maybe one day our little pea brains will catch up.?
I keep thinking about this letter and there letter yesterday on the main page about the serial cheater. The later, I could handle. This is much more concerning.
I don’t think you really understand that you’re trying to control this woman’s behaviors and reactions. You’re disguising this control as a need to know to better yourself or concern for other men’s feelings. She’s being nice to you now because she’s afraid of you.
Yeah, I like how this writer conveniently ignores that there ARE men responding to this thread who are echoing what the women said. Then again, perhaps my handle was misread as “Unsure About His Gender Friday”?
Look, Hans, I’ll do like Leslie and assume for the moment that this is genuine. So here’s the deal, speaking as a guy: you DON’T have a right to request an explanation. You’re confusing “can” (as in physically capable of doing so) with “may” (as in having permission or blessing to do so). And when you say things like “I told her to tell the other guy she wasn’t interested” . . . I mean, screw you, man. You knew damn well what you were doing when you said that. You don’t get to play innocent and shrug. You were calling her out! You were telling her she’s full of crap. And regardless of your hurt feelings or disappointment, you don’t get to justify your shitty behavior because you’re young. I was young too and did those things, and you know what? I apologized for them when I realized I was wrong. And some of the women accepted my apology because they knew I was sincere, and some I had burned to the point where they just wanted me to go away, and I accepted that because my actions have consequences.
But you know what bugs me most about your attitude here? YOU reached out to a forum of strangers, and now YOU bristle at the fact that they weren’t all warm and cuddly? Come on, man. And I’ve read all of the responses here, and setting aside the ones in response to your insults, the vast majority of them were, at worst, blunt, and frankly necessary given the tone of your letter. I didn’t add much because I didn’t feel the need to; the points I would have made to you were already made. But obviously the fact that many people who responded presumably have vaginas — though, again, how you would know that for at least a third of the responses is absolutely beyond me because even *I* don’t know that — caused you to assume their thoughts on the issue were colored by past offenses toward them (which, I mean, whose advice ISN’T colored by that?). Well, I very much have a penis, and I’m telling you you’re being an asshole, and JUST. STOP. ALREADY. Walk away. Walk far away. Don’t interact with her until you can get your shit under control, and possibly longer than that if you want to take a “Is someone who would be less than totally honest with you someone you want to remain friends with?” approach; that last part I leave up to you.
Final piece of advice: go on YouTube and watch some clips of Terry Crews talking about both women and his own experience with sexual harassment. He’s a former NFL linebacker, a great comedic actor, and a guy who was where you were at one point until he realized what he was projecting out into the world. Seriously, watch him talk and let it sink in.
