Doomed? I moved for him, now he's supposed to move for me but really hesitates
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And lets at least be honest enough to admit the truth: he isn’t hesitating, he’s said no in a dozen different ways, but is still trying to convince LW to cave to his wishes. His decision is made and won’t be changed by logical argument or appeals to fairness. Given an ultimatum: move for a year, or 18 months or whatever so I can finish my education or it’s over, he already knows that he’s choosing ‘it’s over’. In his heart, he believes LW is so hooked on him that he has a 50-50 chance of winning with his ultimatum: ‘we live in my birth city’ or its over. Likely a time limit will be given, but that will drift. He means live there forever. He thinks as the man he gets to make all the big decisions in the relationship/possible marriage and that his career/education/choice of domicile takes precedence by natural right from God. I’ll guess he’s a religious conservative and that this is what his minister and family have taught him.
He might just be spoiled and entitled. Religious conservative is possible but would his parents have let his girlfriend move in for the summer?
Yeah, I don’t get religious conservative from living with his parents over the summer and then moving in together. More likely just plain sexist. Or just a selfish ass regardless of sex/gender.
You’re probably right, although she didn’t say anything about sex at his parents’ house and there is such a thing as missionary dating.
Ron,isn’t it a trap to try to provide an explanation or a set of reasons as to why he’s doing what he’s doing? Whether it’s religion or selfishness or being spoiled or wiring or because it’s Tuesday, the reasons don’t really matter. All that matters is that she understands that he’s never going to move for her; he’s attached to his parents and his wants, and everyone else is there to serve.
Ah, there’s the fairytale ending everyone is looking for. “Live with me and be my love. Here’s some cash.” 🙂
Ok. Wow. I wasn’t expecting such a response and at first I was getting emails when I got a reply and then they stopped so I just thought my post was at the bottom of the page and not getting attention or something.
I can’t reply to all the new replies, but I took some sentences that I think sum up what everybody said.
First, I want to start with the person who said this “My best guess is A – Montreal, B – Toronto, and C – Sudbury.” Yes. That’s exactly it. I was impressed when I read it, but hey I guess that as you say there’s not that many big cities in Canada to begin with. I don’t know if you know Sudbury at all, but as someone who comes from Montreal, it’s an incredibly hard adjustment.
Secondly,
“Also. Never interrupt your goals and your future for a boyfriend. If he’s worth having he will support you in furthering your future.”
“In general, it’s a very bad idea to drop out of college to work part-time to be with a guy.”Yep. Everybody told me this, and now I realize I should have listened. When he proposed this to me, all those nights of longing being with him and wishing I was with him is what ultimately made me take the decision, because at first I was rational and was like “no, I was school, you have school, this doesn’t make sense”.
Thirdly,
“She said the arrangement covered 3 years total, with 1.5 of those being in his city, which would leave 1.5 in her city. ”
“You don’t say anything about what you planned to do after you graduated if he did move with you while you finished school. That long term issue seems more important than whether he will keep his promise and move with you while you go to school or no.”So, in reality, I have 1.5 years, but I left school to move with him after the fall semester, and some of the classes I need to take that are pre-requisites for others are only given in the winter, so normally I would have had to come back for the winter semester, but I didn’t because we had to stay a semester more in Toronto than originally planned so I got kicked out of my program and I had to re-apply (which I wasn’t very nervous about because I had an 80 average) and now I’m going back this fall. Because of this, I’m not going to be able to do some courses that are only given in the winter so I have to elongate my curriculum of a year probably and be part-time at first. This wasn’t planned though because at first we were supposed to go back within 1 year and not 1.5 years, and even then it was a 3-year move to Montreal because I was also planning to do a certificate to specialize in a topic I love after the undergraduate, but I don’t know if I want that anymore. As for after graduation, as someone said, there’s not that many PhD jobs in Sudbury (although they do love an alma mater), so he always planned to move to the US to establish his career there and if we were still together then, I thought I’d follow him because I’ve always loved the US.
I’m making a separate reply for this because it will take up enough space and I didn’t wanna make the other answer too long.
“He might just be spoiled and entitled. Religious conservative is possible but would his parents have let his girlfriend move in for the summer?”
Let’s start by getting this out of the way. He’s not religious at all, me neither and his parents either. I’m not going to provide details, because honestly it’d be shitty of me in case anybody would recognize her, but his Mom has done far from conservative things and the way his parents came to be a couple also is.
“Plus, I just don’t buy it that he’ll be too miserable away from his family. He certainly seemed fine with it when it was to his own benefit.”
“And oh yeah, even your appartment would not be good enough for him, wtf? That’s just an excuse.”
“He might just be spoiled and entitled. Religious conservative is possible but would his parents have let his girlfriend move in for the summer?”I’ve said this in one of my original answers, but I don’t think this disorder is known by many people and I also don’t know if many of you simply didn’t read that part, but he has this thing called Non-Verbal Learning Disability. It’s on the spectrum I think, although don’t quote me on that, and it’s similar to Asperger’s Syndrome but it’s also different. This is a definition: ” Since it affects everyone differently, NLD can manifest in social relationships, motor skills, daily routines — or all of the above.” I’ll list some symptoms that he gets that I found on a website that explains it : a) anxious in social situations b) trouble reading maps or interpreting charts c) a “homebody;” little interest in exploring the world or doing new things d) trouble dealing with change or unexpected setbacks e) may develop an inflexible routine for waking up, going to the store, or other common tasks, becoming upset if the routine is interrupted f) struggles to do two things at once; tunes out spouse’s voice while driving, for instance g) trouble planning tasks; often misses deadlines.
He’s not the one who told me about this, it was his Mom and every time it’s brought up he gets upset because he doesn’t really believe he has it. I don’t know how much of it is entitlement and how much of it is the NLD, so if I sound like I’m making excuses, it’s because of that; I’m not sure if it’s in his power to change or not. A few examples of everyday life: he gets enormously upset if he eats after what he calls his time, if he falls asleep at night and eats later he becomes enraged because he’s supposed to eat then and he fucked up his routine, he brushes his teeth and pees at the same time every day (yes, all his pees are planned out and if he feels he has to pee before, he’ll wait). There’s so many, but he basically does everything in the same order every day and he doesn’t like to change it. By the time I had discovered all of his eccentricities, I had already moved in with him and I never thought, maybe naively, that it would stop him from wanting to move with me because he kept raving about how cool Montreal is.
For instance, last summer I accompanied him to this conference. He was set up to stay in this residence, but he got there and he hated it so much that we only stayed there one night and got a hotel for the length of the conference because he was completely freaking out. The room was fine and I would have stayed in it and so would most people, but he simply couldn’t.
Gosh, I have so much to say.
To end my very long answers, I’ll add the following.
Part of the NLD is that he also gets bad anxiety about things (he’s got bad ticks and such). There’s reasons why he’s hesitating so much:
1) What if I miss my parents and Sudbury way too much?
2) What if we’re too different and our interests too diverse? Sometimes I feel like talking politics with my partner, but you hardly seems interested most of the time, but then I tell myself I can get that elsewhere, you know, but it makes me doubt our compatibility and that scares me.
3) The weight issue. You were slimmer when we met and I still love you, and I feel like an ass for saying this in a way, but it really does bother me. You’re not healthy and you never exercise. I’m really afraid that won’t change.
4) What if my feeling for you just change? I can’t be sure what I’ll want in the future.Tonight I told him “You love me and want to be with me, but your need for being with your parents and comfort is stronger, so why not just end it?”. He said he didn’t want to end it, that he wants to try to come here and be with be, but he’s not confident enough to sign a year lease right now, that he feels he needs more time.
Rightfully, after reading my description of him, a lot of people will think that it must be hard to be in a relationship with him, but if I compose with all of this it’s because he’s a sweet-heart and he’s got a heart of gold.
I don’t know if all of this makes you understand my situation better.
I think that when you can list a solid page of a person’s quirks, quirks that are hugely limiting, it doesn’t really matter what’s responsible for them. These things are part of who he is. You speak very specifically about what he can’t do or manage but his positive traits are very vague and I have to wonder if your perception that he’s kind and golden hearted is based on the person you live with daily or the idea of him you fell in love with. The issues you describe are very serious sounding. Don’t convince yourself that sacrificing what’s good for you is the only way forward.
