Friend Advice
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To everyone else I should have described a better picture with my friend. Yes I was excited we were going on a double date on a Saturday. I live down the street and figured hey I can come over and hang out for a few if she’s not busy and chat. Okay too much socialization for her. I’m having a hard time realizing it’s too much bc of how much we hung out together over the years. I mean 12 years of hanging out often to the last couple years of only seeing each other once in 3 months threw me off. I mean that weekend I mentioned was the first time I was going to hang out and see her once in 3 months. We use to hang out all the time. I mean I get it if I asked her all the time to hang out and we hung out often that 2 days in one weekend is a lot. This was just one in 3 months and I live right near her and we hung out all the time until the last couple years. Also she gave me mixed signals like I said 2 years ago when she started to stop hanging out as much and i backed off. She came to me and said let me know when I get like that and just slap me out of it. Like I said I was just honest with her and said she didn’t seem to want to hang out and I backed off. She said she didn’t us to stop hanging out so much less. Yet here we are again. So I try to make an effort to invite her to.do things or come over or I’d come over so it’s low key. Then she tells me no. I mean I don’t ask her every weekend I’d say I ask her around once a month. She might agree to do something in 3 months. Like to go from hanging out all the time for 12 years to once in 3 months or so in the last 3 years just made me sad. I’m not mad at her. I just am confused. She tells me she doesn’t want to be like this then tells me she’s become an introvert. I don’t get it but that’s ok. I’m just sad we don’t hang out as often and I miss her. I’ll always be here if she wants to get together or to talk. I don’t even ask her to hang out anymore bc I don’t want to push it. She always said to me she likes the we all live close to hang out more but that isn’t the outcome. Like I said seems like mixed signals. So when things changed I thought I did something wrong.
My husband goes to bed at 8 and gets up early. He doesnt stay up or like to stay up. He is use to it from his work schedule. I usually go to bed at 10 if it’s just us but I stay up until midnight so I can pump milk for baby. Usually gets boring after 8 to midnight so I try to do stuff like watch movies, study, work out, or clean. Now that’s its getting warmer out I thought I’d be fun to hang out with my best friend down the street and get together but obviously that doesn’t happen. I realize I should try and make new Mom friends.
I am not saying it’s not unheard of to make friends in your 30s. It’s definitely possible. In the town I live in, it’s smaller and there’s tons of private schools so many people have been friends since their childhood or high school. I made mine from college. In the mom groups I’m in. I’m seeing now the ones that ask to do a mom social group or coffee meet up are from out of town. Most that do these are. I went to one last weekend for a meet up. It was short but fun. Not many moms came which I think why it was short but it was fun to meet ppl and it was something to do. Like you all said, I think it’s time to make new friends and put myself out there.
She said it’s too much for her. Period. You can argue that until the end of days, but it’s still what she told you, and it’s a reasonable boundary. You need to stop with that argument, even in your mind. There’s been a pandemic, and you have no idea what could be going on that she isn’t sharing. Or it could be nothing and she just doesn’t have that social energy to give you.
Times have changed. People have changed. She lost her father and is giving her mom a lot of support and can’t give you all of what you need right now. You need more social outlets. Adjust your schedule maybe, and sleep with your husband for a few hours before getting up at midnight. You’re a grown adult woman and you can find things to occupy your time with other than this one friend who told you it was too much for her. I grew up in a rural area and know how hard it is to make friends in sparse areas but there are groups for new mothers or meetup groups and social media. That is on you to work on, in your spare time.
I truly do wish you well. The one constant in life is change. Just meet your friend when she can do it, and look for more outlets. Hobbies? Side hustle? Good luck.
You describing your friend is like some of my friends describing me. I love my friends, but I have no need to hang out or see them regularly. They know that if they need something – I’m around. But I don’t call enough and and I’m terrible with making plans. I just don’t think about it. I’m happier just going along my little stream and if my path crosses someone else’s that’s cool. Eventually the current will move things along and I’ll be happily on my own again.
It’s just not who your friend is or what she wants. If it’s not good enough for you – you can phase her out. But if you can accept her on these terms, she’ll stay in your life a long time. I mean like decades long.
Anonymousse, I appreciate your feedback but I’m sorry, you’re last comment is unnecessary. I pretty much ended the chat saying I understand and I need to make more mom friends. Yes i stated already that I’m making an effort to move on and make new friends. Didn’t i say I’m going to try that in my last comment? I feel like you’re being repetitive when i already agreed and now everything your saying feels unnecessary bc it’s over with. I got the advice I needed from honestly Kate. She made me realize a few things. She sympathized and provided suggestions. I started to make the effort of making new friends so I’ll keep trying. I said that already above. Great that you grew up in a rural area. I don’t know what that’s like. I can tell you my town is clicky bc there’s a lot of moms who all grew up together and they like their groups. I will try and make friends with the ones that want to be friends. I mean what more can you say? That’s all I can do. I’ll enjoy what time I have with her and move on. I got that advice more from Kate. She got the idea of where I am coming from. The rest of the comments I wrote was trying to give you guys a background story so I can explain why I was confused about our friendship from being consistent for 10 years then to not so much the last 2. Seems like i either didn’t explain it well or you just can grasp what i was trying to say. The only thing I can take away from this is it is what it is. If she brings up again why we’re in a rut like she did last time I’ll tell her the truth in how I feel. Other than that it is what it is.
Thanks LisforLeslie. I appreciate that. Good way to put it. I’m coming to terms to accept it and move on for me. One I’m sure she’ll see that we’re both different now and you’re right, we will stay in each other’s lives for a while if we can both accept that.
LOL okay, Di. I think your entire comment is unnecessary and unhelpful. You didn’t appreciate my feedback, so don’t tell me you did. And why write anything, then? Just don’t respond.
I brought up growing up in a rural area because you said you’re in a small town. I grew up in a small town. Can you see the correlation? I was trying to offer advice, as a mother and a person who has had to make new friends a lot, because I’ve moved a lot.
I’m so sorry my advice didn’t meet your expectations.
Thanks for the tips!
Enjoy your baby and husband.
anonymousse she is right to call you out for giving advice to a person who has popped on to this advice forum repeatedly asking for advice and also for rudely not telling her exactly what she wants to hear and also for failing to validate her personal narrative of what is going on. Please take some time to think about your contributions here.
I will reflect on my behavior, contributions and worth on this site. I’m ashamed of myself, quite frankly. How dare I.
Anonymousse shame on you for providing two options for finding new friends – hobbies are for LOSERS. I mean, what value is there in finding people who like the things you like. And side hustle – I mean, who meets friends while working or volunteering? NO ONE.
Di – not sure what flipped you off – but there was absolutely nothing critical of you.
