Friend is dating someone REALLY old
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19-year-olds are basically considered children. Many are living at home or in regulated school dorms—not really responsible for their own expenses or taxes or insurance. They’re not even considered competent to drink.
And who is a late 20’s man supposed to date if he doesn’t want anything serious? How about an early 40’s divorcee looking for a boy toy, for example? At least that would be two grown-ass self-sufficient adults.
I’d consider the lying a red flag. It means he can’t get a date if he is honest so he takes that information away from the woman so she makes her decision based on a lie.
That said, there is nothing you can do about it.
For all those who think an age gap doesn’t matter when you are older it does when the older partner reaches retirement age and the younger partner isn’t close. They are then leading very different lives. Men tend to have shorter lives than women anyway and more health problems at at a younger age so a woman who is considerably younger than her husband ends up working while he is retired and then he tends to have more and more serious health problems and by the time she retires he is often unable to do the fun things that younger retirees do.
@Skyblossom, my husband is 13 years older than I am, and is stoked to become my house-husband when he retires. I told him I expect my slippers, pipe, and martini to be READY when I walk in the door every night. Ha! Like @anonymousse, I was 27 when we started dating. No wait…26. Whatever. We were just inside the “half plus seven” creep-factor window. A 29-year-old dating a 19-year-old is NOT within that window, I’d like to point out. But just so long as everyone is using birth control and is a legal adult then have at it, I say. The friend has all the information she needs about this guy and has decided to continue seeing him – you can state your case ONE time but after that, keep your thoughts to yourself. (usual caveats about abusive situations apply)
A 29 year old woman dating a 19 year old dude is just as gross.
The friend I mentioned, who is 34 and always date significantly younger, thinks it’s gross and weird for women his age to date men who are as young as the women he dates. And I think a lot more people have that immediate ick-factor reaction when the genders are flipped. But it’s like, does that matter? I’m early 30s, and I would (and have) dated younger, but a college-aged guy at this point in my life? Hard pass.
Wow what blatant sexism to say that a 29 yo woman dating a 19 yo man is gross but the opposite is ok.
Anyway, I do think this age difference is weird/off because the girl is a college student, totally different lifestyle than they guy AND HE’S A LIAR. Who wants to go out with someone who will lie to get whatever they want?
Also, my husband is 18 years older than me, we’ve been together 17+ years and married for 12+. I don’t have a problem with age differences as much as lying sacks of crap.
Northern Star a 19 year old in America can’t drink or whatever but here they’d have been hitting the bars for a year and been considered perfectly adult. That’s a quirk of your society, not a deciding factor in the maturity of the person. They can still sign up to go to war after all. Either kids can go to war or adults can’t drink, can’t have it both ways.
The dude is definitely a bit sketchy but it doesn’t mean the friend is in for a bad time. I dated a 28 year old when I was 19. I dumped him for being immature, which most guys who date in that age range are so… no victim here.
There’s a fundamental power imbalance with this type of age discrepancy. There are all sorts of stats about it. He’s already known to be a liar, and the lie was meant to be manipulative. Otherwise he would have corrected it outright.
I’ll add that there is also a power/status dynamic that many of the men and often the young women like. The guy gets to feel smarter/wiser and enjoys the adoration of someone younger and less experienced.
“From conversations with these guys and observing their interactions with women over the years, I’ve realized they date younger because:
1. Many women their age want committed relationships and see marriage and children as near-future goals, and they’re not ready to settle down. Usually they don’t want anything serious, just to sleep with as many women as possible.
2. Women their age have already dated some losers and have a low tolerance for shitty behaviour like cheating, lying, gaslighting, being selfish in bed, etc. Young, naive women who haven’t experienced a bad relationship yet are more likely to put up with their B.S.
3. They’re the kind of men who think younger = hotter and crack jokes about their friends needing to “trade in for a younger model” when their wives/gfs hit 30.
4. A combination of any/all of the above.”Anyway, unless her friend js in some kind of peril (she isn’t) the LW should mind her own business.
