Friends w/ Children Don't Get Babysitters
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Yeah with these updates your friends are jerks. I can’t fault them for not wanting/not being able to leave the kids, but the right response is not to say nope, I’m bringing the kids and also make a special cake for them.
Fuck that noise.
Go celebrate just you and your husband by going to a fancy prix-fix French place. That’s what I’d do.
Your “friends” really are something else. Your demands of an adults only night for your own birthday are perfectly reasonable. That said, the people you’ve considered your friends possibly won’t be able to make it to your events on your terms. However, accepting your invitation and then casually stating they’re bringing their kids after all, never mind making demands on what you should serve, really is beyond the pale.
However, what really pissed me off on your behalf is the way these people have disrespected your home, and by extension you and your husband, during other events you’ve hosted. It’s your home and your rules, and if a parent won’t stop their darling from jumping on the couch or breaking stuff, you’re perfectly entitled to do so. However, I totally understand if you’re sick of both hosting the party and babysitting as well.
I hope you have a really nice night out with your husband.
I definitely think that you and your husband should distance yourselves a bit from this group of people. Breaking off all contact is certainly not necessary, but you don’t have to attend all their kids’ events and you should certainly not volunteer to change any diapers etc. (I have a nine year old son and I’ve certainly never changed anyone else’s diapers but his, nor would I even consider doing it if the child’s parents or carers are present.)
For now, maybe you should abandon the idea of socializing with these people as couples. Just do girls’ or guys’ nights out instead.
And do try to find other childfree couples to spend time with. Maybe that would make your so-called friends prioritize spending time with you on your terms at least occasionally. If not, you’d just grow apart. It happens, but it seems you aren’t really getting what you want out of these friendships anyway, so it’s not a great loss.
An adult’s birthday party is extremely low on my priority list, unless it’s a major milestone, and I don’t even have children. If your friends can’t afford to take their family out for a meal, they certainly can’t afford child-care for an adult non-relative’s birthday party – they are going to prioritize events like weddings, family events, their own anniversaries, the occasional date-night just the two of them, etc.
That being said, your friends are being unbelievably inconsiderate and entitled by bringing their children to an event that they were explicit told is adults only. How are you responding to these texts? You should be firmly and immediately shutting them down: “I’m sorry to hear that, but if you must bring your children, then we unfortunately cannot host you. As I said before, this event is adults-only.” If they show up anyway, reiterate that this isn’t a child-friendly event and do not let them in. If they become upset with you, it’s their own fault. Stay calm and point out that you set expectations multiple times. You do not need to justify to them why the event is adults-only, and you do not have to smile and grit your teeth and let their kids in just because they’ve chosen to rudely ignore your reasonable request.
Personally, I would start hosting my adults-only events at locations where children are not permitted, like bars, and expand my social circle to include more child-free couples.
My husband and I are the childless ones (it just hasn’t happened yet) but we are in our mid/late 30’s and are in a similar position to the OP. Or we were. We tend to prefer smaller one on one (or two on two) friendships, mainly because we have a much smaller tolerance for things like the OP has described. Before we moved to another part of the state, there was a couple we were somewhat close with who had two little girls. We liked the kids, but it started to get old when the parents thought we would just drop everything to babysit or that they could use us for grown up only evenings. (Yet never offered to have another sitter when we might have wanted to do something without their kids). We got tired of being used. So we reduced our efforts, pulled way back on the friendship, and when we moved, well, problem solved.
My advice, OP, is to pull back. Start doing things you and your husband want to do without the baggage, so to speak. Go on a vacation/weekend trip for your birthdays. Make new connections. Don’t let a long time friendship be a reason that you tolerate being taken for granted.
My husband and I are also childfree while the majority of our friends have children, and I can say…your friends are just rude. We have friends with children from 8 months old to 20 yrs old, and have never had this kind of problem. Yes, we are expected to be more flexible and understanding about scheduling, etc. Of course we have times where friends with kids had to decline or cancel plans because of childcare issues, and there have been times when the kid(s) had to come along unexpectedly – but we have never been told this was happening. We have been asked. Most of the time it’s fine, but sometimes it’s not, and either way no one gets their panties in a twist about it.
And sorry, but I don’t think it will get better when the kids are older. In my experience, having children doesn’t make people more or less selfish or smug or entitled – like any extreme life event, it just highlights who they really are. And it sounds like most of your friends really are…selfish, smug, and entitled. Focus your energy on the ones who aren’t, on the ones who respect your time/wishes/home, and let the others sort themselves. You don’t have to be friends exclusively with childfree couples. Just with people who are cognizant that there other people in the world with other priorities, and who appreciate an occasional kid-free evening with their friends.
Yeah, with the additional information here – your friends are being huge jerks about this. It is the height of rudeness to bring uninvited guests to someone else’s event, no matter how old they are. And dictating the cake!? Just. No. I totally agree with FannyBrice; focus your energy on people who don’t take advantage of your hospitality for themselves or their spawn. As a parent who would never DREAM of making these demands of a friend, I can tell you that we are out there!
With being a child owner myself, of a 19 month old. Would I be able to do 3-4 times a year maybe not, because once you become a parent you get invited to so many more things that just take up your life. Sometimes I only see my friends at kids birthday parties now. We also use up our free babysitter cards with the grandparents and siblings to go out for a nice dinner and a movie for ourselves, but with that being said if these people can make your party with their kids they can also make it without them, unless you gave an unreasonable amount of time, if not they are being dicks about it. You should have just made it for a time the kids would be in bed, this works best for my wife and I because we can still hangout with our daughter, and do the whole bedtime routine and then head out while somebody watches TV and the baby monitor. I do feel like with how dickish your friends are they would still fuck this up for you, but it’s your best shot. Anyway, it seems like it’s time for some new friends that fit your lifestyle better.
Your friends are being jerks! I have two children (both adults now) but my best friend decided to not have children. Mostly, she would come to our house to hang out but plenty of times we got together adults only. I actually didn’t want to go to her place when the girls were young because I didn’t want them to get into things and possible get hurt or break something if I didn’t have a sitter.
I’m sorry – I know having children changes things but I don’t understand if they were such good friends how they could act like that!
For my mom’s 60th bday party that I organized, one family brought their 3 children, the youngest being 3. I never ok’d that kids were ok to bring because they never asked. They were the grandkids of my mom’s best friend so whatever, they showed up and as long as the parents took care of them, not my problem. Not even an hour into the party, the youngest jumped from the 3rd bottom step of the stairs – he and his dad were playing a game and he’d catch him when he jumped. His dad did not catch him this time and my mom just happened to be walking by at that moment as the kid fell right into her knee. Long story short, she broke her knee and we ended up having to call an ambulance. Party over. This was the day before Xmas – it was brutal. The worst part, they NEVER apologized for it. And this kids’ mom was a nurse and all she said was my mom’s knee was bruised. Yah, ok…She was in excruciating pain and her knee swelled up badly. She was in a wheelchair for 3 months after that. Never an apology. I get it wasn’t the kids fault per se…but really??? I am child-free and when my bf (who has a 9yr old) get invited out or make plans with other adults, we leave him with the grandparents and everyone else gets a babysitter, or they can’t come. I find it super annoying when kids are around at ‘adult’ parties – they whine, break stuff, are loud, don’t listen, and are a distraction from catching up with friends. Blah!
“We generally feel we do not get to enjoy our own parties in our home.”
You’re hosting parties that you don’t enjoy so do something very different. I wouldn’t keep trying the same thing and expecting a different result. You could do something very different like spending the weekend at a bed and breakfast.
They are telling you that a child only party doesn’t work for them and you are telling them that hosting their kids doesn’t work for you. Do something that doesn’t involve them. Do your favorite things as a couple or with other friends.
I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but not much time to respond (because, kids), so I will say this: when I want to have kid-free time with my friends and it’s really important to me that they come (like, if we’re celebrating my bday or drew’s bday), we keep the group small (no more than like four or five other couples), we make reservations somewhere, and we make it clear on the invite that we’re paying for a significant portion of the evening (since it’s understood that all or most of the guests will be shelling out upwards of $100 per couple for a babysitter). For example, for my birthday a couple years ago, our invitation said, “We’ll cover transportation and dinner, you cover babysitters and after dinner drinks.” Everyone showed up and had a blast. On evenings when we want to have kid-free fun with our friends, but it isn’t as important if people show up or not, I’ll send out a text or email that says something like, “Hey, we need a night out without the kids- do you? If so, get a sitter and come meet us at XYZ at 7 PM for dinner. There’s a place down the block for dancing if we want to do that afterward.” We did this last weekend and three out of the four couples we invited came, and the fourth said their babysitting budget was already blown (and we all understood and there were no hard feelings).
Honestly, it might be time to make some new friends if the friends you have never ever natch the effort you make in keeping the friendship going and accommodating different needs/wants/and restrictions.
@Wendy Your ideas are good and workable if you have the money to spend on the babysitter. In one of her posts the OP said that some of these couples can’t afford to go out to dinner as a family because they can’t afford it and that these couples do cheaper things at home.
The bottom line is that many of these couples can’t afford to do the adults only event. They have tight budgets. That isn’t the fault of the OP but it is the reality of her friends lives. There is nothing wrong with wanting an adults only event but if your friends can’t do it then you either have kids involved or you do something just as a couple or with other friends.
I don’t think the OP has considered it this way but when you set limits that cost other people money you are telling them how to spend their budget and they aren’t willing to spend it the way the OP is wanting. They don’t have the money to do what the OP is asking.
It is very wrong for the friends to show up with their kids and definitely rude to try to tell them what kind of cake to serve. It isn’t rude to say that they just can’t do it and that is what the friends should have said from the start. There were times we didn’t do things because they just didn’t work for us. No hard feelings and no guilt on either side.
