Friends w/ Children Don't Get Babysitters
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“It kind of sounds like these people are drawing a line in the sand that they will never go out without their kids, and frankly, that sucks.”
@AW, I think you hit the nail on the head with this. And FTR, I agree with @ele4phant too! It’s all of these things coming together, but personally I think the friends probably don’t value the LW’s friendship as much as she values theirs. You don’t just TELL someone you’re bringing your kids to their house against their wishes. That’s so presumptuous and flat out rude.
For bkgd: I’m in my early 30s and half my friends are childfree and half have little ones. I’ve never come up against this issue because my friends are not dicks.
The people who are saying how hard it is to afford a sitter and go out without their kids are missing the point. If the friends can’t afford a sitter or don’t want to spend an evening away from their kids, they are free to politely decline the invitation. But that’s not what they are doing–they are simply showing up with their children in tow and then not bothering to supervise them. That’s rude to an extreme degree! You don’t bring uninvited guests to a party and you certainly don’t allow your children to trash someone else’s home–whether they are invited or not. And it’s totally fine for someone–whether or not they have kids–to plan occasional events that are adults-only. Hell, as a parent myself, I welcomed the opportunity to get away and be a grownup for a night now and then. I understand that not every parent wants that, and not every parent can afford a sitter, but it’s truly, absolutely okay to plan some events just for adults. LW doesn’t get to demand that her friends attend and leave the kids at home, but she absolutely does get to demand that they do not show up WITH kids, particularly for her own damn birthday!
I think there are kind of two treads of conversation going on here:
Thread A) Are the OP’s friends’ being rude?
AND
Thread B) How much effort should parents be expected to put in to meet their childless friends half way, in order to be considered good friends? How much slack should parents of young children be given in putting in effort to keep up friendships?
I think in part we have these two threads going on because initially (at least to me) the OP’s first letter seemed to focus more on feeling hurt because there seemed to be a lack of effort on her friend’s part to celebrate her birthday the way she wanted, and with her clarification it became clear it was actually they were worse than that, her friends were insisting they get to drag their kids along.
On thread A, I think there’s universal agreement that it is unacceptable to invite your children along when you are expressly told its adult only. No one has said there’s any shred of justification for what her friends are trying to do.
On thread B, seems like there’s more diversity of opinion.
No one ever said it was fine or normal or good for them to demand to be catered to.
All I said was, parents (or anyone for that matter) not showing up once doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.
I think the not caring part comes in when their kid is getting into stuff and instead of disciplining their kid they get huffy at OP and then demand junior’s favourite cake for OPs birthday. If anything demonstrates not giving a shit about anything other than you and yours that’s it. I can totally understand why OP is feeling salty about her birthday when she’s put in what sounds like a massive amount of effort for them over the years yet in return she’s ignored, patronised and bossed around. It probably wouldn’t sting so much for a relatively minor occasion if it wasn’t a symptom of a larger developing problem.
There doesn’t need to be a divide between people with kids and people without. Plenty of people in this thread have friends across the spectrum and they manage it well but both parties are coming to the table, there’s no effort from the friends here.
What is wrong with these people? My husband and I LOVE the chance to get a babysitter and have an adult only night. Talk one on one to each friend…ask if they will consider getting a babysitter. IF they say no ask why not? Tell them they deserve adult only time sometimes and getting a babysitter is healthy for your marriage. I have a therapist friend who tells her clients to do this once a week. Remind each friend, in a phone call or talking in person, that they need to find someone to watch their kids that night. Also, perhaps you need to make some new childless friends to hang out with. PS – We have friends who have a dress up super fancy cocktail party once a year. No kids allowed. They invite a ton of people. No one brings their kids. It’s so weird your friends ignore you when you say Adults Only.
I think that doing as CET suggested would only make these people double down on their position,behavior and rudeness. The LW has already suggested,asked,explained etc. many times and the people still bring their kids.
On the bright side of this method,maybe they would be so offended that they and their kids would never come over again! Win Win
I’m late to this party, but also one of the few childless couples in my own friends group. My best friend got married and started having kids when we were like 20. We’re now in our 30s. Did she change and did her life change after she had kids? Sure. But I think the beauty of our friendship is that we’ve evolved together and as our lives have changed, the way we hang out and the way we support one another has changed along with it.
That said, I don’t think I’ve ever invited her to a party at my place and not invited her family. I don’t even explicitly invite her family, I guess it’s just a given that inviting her means I’m inviting ALL of her. I also can’t remember the last time I had a birthday party for me. Aren’t those mostly had for kids and monumental birthdays? There have been times we’ve done things without her kids, but they are obvious not kid friendly things like, going to a concert or to a casino, etc.
I don’t think hanging out at someone’s house is really worthy of being kid free. Sounds pretty informal. A better request would be to ask them to bring kid friendly drinks and things to keep their kids occupied and content while in your home.
I do think 3 or 4 kid-free things a year is a bit much. I know my friends with young ones would probably want to use kid free time to tackle projects that are impossible to do with the kids around or attend special events like shows and concerts. Also- I get the general feeling they want to be present in their kids’ lives and don’t want to stick them with a sitter all the time. Can’t fault them for that.
I understand your frustration. But I also understand their situation. I was a single mom for 3 years before I met my husband who was also a single dad. the difference was that I had sole custody, like 24/7 custody except for work. I also had no family to help out so it was just me. Where he had every other weekend with his son and 2 weeks out of the summer. H couldn’t understand how I had never seen the latest movies or gone to certain events. He didn’t realize that I needed money for a sitter, transport and the event. So often times I just stayed in with a move after my son went to sleep. It wasn’t until after we got married that he realized the extra cost of going out. I say this to express that if someone can have a kid and still not realize how expensive sitters are and just how exhausting parenting smaller kids can be because they only have them part-time, then its totally possible that child-free people truly how hard it can be. Honestly, This is normal and you may need to expand your group of friends.
