Tina, I’m going to be blunt, and it’s going to sting. I’m sorry.

The biggest problem in your life, the biggest cause of pain, is not his “friend,” and it’s not your husband.

It’s you. Your reaction to this situation is, frankly, irrational. You’re not emotionally well. And your life is not going to get better until you get yourself into professional mental health care.

You keep coming back to us with ridiculously obvious variations on the story because you want us to tell you that everything is ok and he really loves you. We won’t ever do that, because it’s not true. And the longer you keep up these delusional posts, the more years you’ll throw away on an empty marriage to a man who lies to you and goes off to be with the woman he really wants.

Get help. Please.

I have to admit, when I first read this I thought “Tina? Is this you?”. I haven’t seen any mods confirm it, so I’ll have a non-tina and Tina answer.

Non-Tina answer:
A friend isn’t ‘established’ if they barely know them a year. Isn’t it weird that a guy who’s so far gotten along fairly independently has suddenly gotten very close with someone to the point he’s talking to them all evening? You don’t mention how they know each other.

It’s odd to text intensively every day- those of us who are grown ups and busy don’t usually have the time to text close friends every day, let alone spend hours on the phone with them. We usually reserve that kind of time for people we are dating. If they were teen friends that might not be unusual, but a grown man with a wife really should have better things to do than be hung up on the phone all day to a woman he sees all the time. When I think of people I’ve wanted to talk to that intensely, I can’t think of a single person that I didn’t have a crush on. And the friends I’ve known who had intense friendships like that were either crushing or in very codependent and unhealthy situations.

So he gets together with her every weekend, and now wants to take off every friday to spend alone time with her. Where do you fit in all of this? When you have a life partner, you do not arrange your *entire social life around one friend*, let alone someone you barely knew a year ago. It’d be douchey even if the friend was a man – I wouldn’t date a man who was so unavailable all his free time was spent with his dude and acted like he “couldn’t get enough” of any one friend whom he already saw regularly. I would not be happy whether the other figure was a man or woman.

“It’s just like he can’t get enough of seeing her and the frequent texting makes me feel like he is thinking about her a lot.”
You are jealous because you are justifiably picking up that the person he thinks about most is her, not you. You’re right to point out that you don’t have any friends you’re that obsessed with hanging out with.
He spends minimal time and effort being with you (presumably because you live together), whilst spending all his time and energy thinking of how to spend more time with her – not how to make time with you fun. Individual time is good, but he plans his weekends and days off around this woman who he sees constantly and is not his wife – that is not normal. Even if it’s not sexual, it’s putting your relationship in danger because it’s making you feel pushed out and neglected – and making you question why your spouse’s entire life seems to revolve around another person.

Also, there is either ‘no sexual chemistry’ or they ‘both find each other attractive’. What you you think chemistry is, if not attraction? If you think they’d boink if you weren’t in the picture, then there’s chemistry. You don’t have to play the cool girl, you can admit if you’re jealous.

Part of being partners is about being each other’s confidant and enjoying spending time together – what you describe doesn’t sound like he puts any effort or joy into spending time with you. You’re his flatmate with sex. She’s the woman his life revolves around.

You have a right to object even if it’s not sexual. There’s a big difference between partners having thir own hobbies and friendships and your life partner spending every scrap of spare time obsessing over how to spend more time with this friend. It doesn’t matter if it’s sexual if you feel pushed out. You need to talk about how you feel – explain if you’d like him to spend more time with you, and that you need to feel that you are the #1 priority in his life.

If this is Tina – your partner won’t change, and he’s clearly continued to be obsessed with his ‘friend’. Until you leave him, you won’t be happy because he puts her first. veryone here has told you to leave him 100 times, and the answers won’t change. You’ve tried confronting him and he doesn’t learn.

So he only hangs out with her with you now? What’s the group setting? If this is the case, what’s the problem, Tina? You don’t trust him. And you have plenty of reason not to.

He’s had multiple affairs.
He’s prioritizing her over you.
He is an asshole to you and your family.
He doesn’t want kids and you do.

If he doesn’t want reasonable restrictions seeing his fuck buddy, he should be a single man.

And Mellanthe, Kate is a moderator and has confirmed it.

Correct, no grown married man has a friend they go out with multiple times a week and now pushing for all day Fridays as well. That’s not ok or normal by any stretch.