Oh, RR, I’m not saying that there was anything wrong with it! I just think when you decide to come a parent, you should want to be a parent for life! Not only until they are adults, i.e, out in the world on their own. I mean, some people are fine with it. But the majority of people I know are still extremely close.

Personally it’s never been a question of have kids or not have kids because I’ve never once actually wanted a kid. It must be tough for fence sitters, all that back and forth. My parents were great, we had a good childhood and we were raised well but it’s still no guarantee. My oldest brother is a selfish arsehole who values style over substance and uses everyone around him. He’s successful but he’s not a good person at the core, it must be disappointing for my parents. So ultimately it’s always a gamble, I think you just have to really want to play no matter how the results shake out.

This has been a really interesting thread. First of all, Freckles, I’m so sorry for your struggles. I imagine that the emotional strain that puts on a person and a marriage is difficult. It sounds like you have a good support system – both in real life and here, virtually. Good for you for leaning on that support.

When I was young, I always wanted kids and probably would have had them early if I had been with a decent guy (he was a manipulative asshole, but that’s another story for another day). Instead I had a lot of fun traveling, partying, and living it up with good friends (ahem, Kate). By the time I started dating my husband, I was just ready for a different life. He and I got married within 3 years and started trying for a baby soon after. I got pregnant our first month trying, but had a miscarriage at 6 weeks – just one week after I found out I was pregnant. That sparked this need in me to get pregnant again immediately, as if knowing it could happen propelled the desire to have a baby NOW. I got pregnant again a few months later and miscarried again at 9 weeks. I was absolutely devastated. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to have a baby (at this point I was 36 years old). My husband and I decided to take a break from trying. So of course, I got pregnant again immediately. We were cautiously optimistic, and canceled the appointment we had made with a fertility specialist. And then at 8 weeks, I started bleeding. I thought it was another miscarriage and at that point said to my husband that I could not do this again so we weren’t having kids. We went to the doctor and that heartbeat was everything. I spent the majority of my pregnancy worried something would go wrong. And now, at just about 10 months old, I worry about all the things I can’t protect my son from. It is easily the best thing I ever did. And it’s also the hardest. I love him more than anything else and it hurts sometimes. I would literally die if anything bad ever happened to him. Some days the anxiety is overwhelming. But I wouldn’t change it for anything. I will admit, some days I want another child and others, I just don’t know if I can mentally worry about another baby like I do him. But it’s such a joy.

I hope all of these comments give you some perspective and clarity. Parenthood is a huge mind fuck. I think that’s the best way to describe it 🙂

Hi – I’m mainly a lurker, but I find this conversation very interesting! First of all, as a child-free woman, I want to thank everyone so far for being so respectful of other choices!

Freckles, I have never wanted children. Luckily I met and fell in love with a man who felt the same way I did. (We had both reached the same conclusion before ever meeting, so we had it really easy.)

Now we are both in our mid-40s, living happily in a city we love, and take lots of trips, both long and short. We value travel, make it a priority, and have been arranging our lives and finances so we can retire early and spend months at a time visiting different places. We each take different classes, share hobbies and interests, have common and separate friends. We are both close to our families (though not geographically) so we visit them a lot, and we live in a cool place so a lot of family and friends visit us, too. What I am saying is, we are doing all of the things we said we were going to do. (except making love on the kitchen floor – cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile 😉 ) It can happen if you make the effort. We have zero regrets, and are so excited for our future.

As for reasons, the only reason I have is “I just don’t want to be a parent.” I don’t know why, but I feel it in every cell of my body – I think about being a mother and it just feels wrong. And I even like kids! I just don’t want to raise one. I don’t know that this is a decision you can 100% rationally think your way through – maybe try clearing your head a bit, back off from intellectualizing both options, see what comes to you.

I wasn’t sure I wanted kids. I *thought* I did, but I wasn’t like a lot of people where it felt like I was called to be a mom and I would do whatever it took to make that happen. I got pregnant easily, so I’ll never know if I would have become someone who pursued fertility treatments and/or adoption to become a mom. I know that I was perfectly happy without kids, had a fulfilling life, and felt — and talked about — being happy even if I didn’t have kids. I still feel that way, but of course, it’s hard to say what one would have felt on a different path.

I’m glad I had kids, but I don’t think it’s for everyone, and I never question why someone wouldn’t want to have kids. In fact, I often question why people DO want to have kids!

I hope you get some clarity, and that whatever you decide, you feel peace at what happens.

I don’t want kids. I just never felt the need. But I think regret or possible jealousy of others’ children are not good reasons. Being a parent means sacrifice, and I was not willing to do it. I think the only reason to have kids is that you really want them. You are willing to give 150% for them. Several people have stressed the importance of being fulfilled without children. I think this is key. If you do choose to be a parent, I think you’d be a much better one if you had other interests besides your children. You’d be a more balanced person. Take the time to get to know yourself well. You’ll know what the right choice is.