How to decide if you want kids
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A lot of regular people have nannies too. We are middle class and manage to afford it (barely). It is actually probably less expensive than daycare if you have multiple kids.
Being a working parent is not as easy as it used to be, but the expectations of parents now is so much higher than it was when I was growing up. I will say the benefit of being a working parent is that not everything falls on you all the time. I am lucky that our nanny helps with the house work and laundry, she feeds and baths the children. I work from home, so I still see them all the time, but I am not responsible for their care all of the time.
I know, a woman who worked for me had 4 small children and their solution was a nanny rather than daycare. They weren’t rich at all. But I think these CEO types and celebs have *full time* nannies, and usually multiple. They have night nurses so they can get a decent night’s sleep.
Yeah, plenty of people regret having kids. It’s all over google, there were big long comment threads about it, there’s a facebook group etc etc. What got me is the commenters (usually mothers) hated it from the get go yet almost always mentioned having another one. I really didn’t get it.
That said I’m not trying to change minds, just pointing out regret is a real thing it’s just not so openly discussed thanks to societal judgement.
To be honest, the thing that really kickstarted my doubt was the article Wendy posted from The Guardian about mothers who regretted having children. If that article affected me so much, obviously there were doubts bubbling under the surface, but that’s what sparked my thinking on whether I really wanted kids, or whether I was acquiescing to biology.
I mean, you just don’t know. My mom’s got one kid who’s super f’d up (but hey, he’s stone cold sober and his company’s most reliable worker) and one kid who wishes she was never born… and she had these kids like 8-10 years before she planned to, having meant to spend that time focusing on her career. And she genuinely does not regret it even a little bit.
I think if you feel you want kids, and you’re jealous and sad when other people have them, you probably should have them, but what do I really know? I don’t feel like I get jealous of things I don’t want for myself. Kids, not at all. House, not at all. Fabulous condo in the city, yes. Gorgeous hair or dress or bag, absolutely.
Well, you know, no one on here seems to regret their decision either way, right? I personally don’t know anyone who made the decision not to have kids and regrets it, though I guess there’s that community of regretful parents. That could just be because most people DO have kids and not a high percentage choose not to. But do what’s in your heart!
This has been really interesting to read through, as someone who goes between sitting on the fence and deciding to be child free. I’m nowhere near an answer, but I think part of leaning toward child free is the lack to freedom, especially travel.
As far as nannies go, me and my husband were both raised by nannies. My family was middle to upper middle class, his was on the upper class edge of upper middle class. They were all invaluable to the rest of homemaking. I do know people who have nannies because the cost of daycare for the number of kids they have is more expensive than a nanny. I’m not sure which I’d go for, but I think both the cost difference and amount of socialization would play into that decision.
The nanny conversation is also an interesting one. My husband and I both work and our 10 month old son is currently in daycare. We love that he’s got a network of caregivers, as well as interaction with other babies around his age. As my travel ramps up and as we contemplate having a second, I have been toying with the idea of hiring a nanny. The thought of having someone come to our home, as well as assist with some of the household chores is so tempting! There are definitely pros and cons to both.
@Lianne, my best friend got a part-time nanny. She comes over around 2pm, cleans the house, preps dinner, makes lunches for the next day, then goes and picks the kids up from school/daycare, plays with them till dinnertime, finishes making dinner, and goes home. She does one “large” chore per day too – laundry, or mopping, or cleaning the bathrooms, etc. I think we’re going to do the same once my oldest starts school in September. Otherwise we’d have to pay two daycare costs PLUS the nanny, which is pushing it at the moment.
Also I agree with you that I like the routine and the socialization of daycare. Even if we get a nanny, my daughter will stay in daycare till she’s school-age.
@Freckles – your comment about the disappointed feeling brought back some memories of my own decision making process. Maybe sharing it will help you as you work things out. When I was in my early 20s, and the first wave of friends started having babies, I only felt claustrophobic panic at the thought of doing the same thing some day. By my late 20s, when I was ready to have committed relationship, I tried to make myself believe that if I *had* to have a baby in order to have a marriage, then maybe one kid wouldn’t be that bad. I figured I could “deal with it if I really had to.”
It was my mom – who loves her existing grandchildren and would also love more – who told me that the worst thing you could do is to purposefully have a child you know you do not want. The child is innocent and will only suffer being raised by a half-hearted parent. Even if the parent has a good game face, something crucial will always be missing from the relationship and the child will always sense it.
My only tinge of regret really is seeing how much joy my parents get from being grandparents. It would be so wonderful to give them that kind of gift, but “making my parents happy” is just not a good enough reason to have an unwanted child.
I wish you luck! It’s a big decision and there’s no right answer. But you seem like a thoughtful and intelligent person and I’m sure you will find your way.
