“I Can’t Get Over That My Wife Had Sex Before We Met”

I’m with Dinoceros. I think you need to explain a little better exactly what’s upsetting you.

Is it that she wasn’t a virgin?
You feel she was promiscuous?
You think she’s comparing you to those other men?
You feel cheated out of being with other women?
You weren’t her first?
Something else?

I’m just not able to think of how to advise you without knowing what the problem is. Even as far as whether or when you should tell her. It really depends on what your reasons are.

You may not want to hear that it is none of your business or that you are being a judgmental jerk, but I’m going to tell you anyway. GROW UP. WHY did you marry this woman and take away her ability to find a man who will love and respect her as is?? Your issues are just that- YOURS. Tell her, don’t tell her, whatever, but get over yourself. You aren’t so special that you deserve an affair just because you didn’t marry a virgin. Jeez.

And so much dwelling on his “pain”, while completely ignoring the fact that he essentially tricked this woman into marrying him by hiding this huge issue he had. Like if he’d come out and said it after a year or so of dating, they could have broken up and he could have gone out and gotten laid or found a virgin or whatever he thinks will fix his problem.

Now, he’s got her pretty well trapped. If he tells her, she’s either got to deal with his issue the rest of her life, allow him to sleep around outside the marriage, or become a single mother. All pretty shitty choices. That, or he doesn’t tell her and she’s unaware of any problems on her marriage until they eventually come to a head. Either way he’s done more to hurt her than all his “pain” at not being able to sleep around will ever cause him.

I think he owes it to her to at least get a decent therapist and try to get past this. He’s screwed up her life enough at this point.

I’m not sure if English isn’t your first language or your letter is a reflection of your mental age, but you sound about 16. 16 year olds worry about “experience” and “and who has the most number”. You are a grown ass man with a kid on the way. I agree with everyone to get a different therapist. Because really where is this coming from? Do you feel like you are not sexually satisfying your wife, and instead of taking some responsibility for that, you are grasping onto this issue? Are you wishing to have sex with other people? There are such things as open marriages. You could blow up your life and get divorced. These are all better than quietly seething in torment IMO.

Well…if she hadn’t slept with those other guys then she wouldn’t know how bad he is in bed.

Cleopatra Jones, if these other men were so much better, what is she doing with him then? That would be douchy. Like, if he’s not good enough just tell the man. Who’s decieving who at this point?