“I’m a Childless Stepmother”
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From a LW:
Who yearns for her own children to raise alongside the other woman’s children. I raise them. I am a mother to them. But they are not my children. I’ve tried 3 times a week for several years now, yearning for my baby. The one I was supposed to share with my husband. But he doesn’t want another one. He just doesn’t. And it isn’t fair to raise a child with a parent who doesn’t want it.
What do I do ? It’s been years, and the yearning has only gotten worse. I love my stepkids, and they love me. I love my husband. But do i go my whole life never getting to be a mother? Is this fair? Or am I being selfish and should be thankful for what I have now because there is no certainty of what I’ll find in the future?
He told me that if I left he would understand that our family wasn’t enough. That I needed a baby instead of them. But it’s not that way. I need a baby AND them. Our current situation is making me crazy. I don’t know what to do? Do I sacrifice my life? What do I do?! Please help me. I’m desperate.
Did you discuss this prior to your marriage? What did your husband say then? You say you need both your own baby and your husband/stepchildren. Likely you can’t have both. You’ll have to decide which is more important to you. No guarantees if you leave your current family that you will find another guy you love or have a baby even if you do marry such a guy who wants to father a child with you.
You’ve been trying to conceive 3x per week, and he told you clearly he does not want more kids? That’s not an ok relationship scenario. What is going on here? You’re deceiving him while denying your own needs. You’re actually not compatible, because you want different things. Please talk to a counselor.
This is something you should have addressed before getting married. Agree that at this point, you need to talk to a counselor to determine how to move forward. I’m sorry.
Yes, it should be discussed prior to marriage but this kind of advise hardly helps you now, today… To me it seems you are very selfless in your marriage because you love your husband. If he has loved you the same way, wouldn’t he be selfless, too? I met this guy once and he said to me, imagine that your life will be the same for the rest of your life as it is today. If you are not happy with this picture, you have got to change it.
Easier said than done but sometimes answering few questions in your head and heart helps. Good luck!
Kate, I read the 3xweek as trying to convince her husband, not conceive, since she doesn’t otherwise mention fertility issues, but I may be mistaken.
I mean, if he led you to believe he wanted more kids, and then went back on his word, yeah, that’s not good. But if you’ve been talking to him about it (or trying to conceive without his okay) 3 times a week for years and not getting anywhere, either way this situation isn’t working, so you either need to hope to find a way to be at peace with it through counseling, or move on and find a guy who wants kids, if that would be an option for you.
Lesie — I don’t know that this is a case of the husband needing to be selfless and have another kid. He already has his family and it seems she signed on for that. How old is he? Can he afford another child? If she married assuming he would change his mind, then this is on her, regardless of how selfless you think she is. If she is nagging him 3x per week or trying to conceive against his wishes, then this marriage isn’t going to last in any case.
LW says it doesn’t work to have a kid with an unwilling parent. Well, if she’s been pushing him 3x per week and he hasn’t budged, then whether or not she finds a way to get him to say yes, we all know she’s going to have an unwilling co-parent and the bad situation she forecasts. I mean, sure if this is that important to her, she can discuss it with him a few times, but 3x a week is absurd.
I read it as 3x a week trying to conceive too. With someone who doesn’t want kids. The kids talk you have before marriage. If either one of you changed your mind then it’s hard. It’s bait and switch. But that’s not to say you aren’t allowed to change your mind. Or he isn’t. If he doesn’t want more kids and you want kids of your own then you are at an impasse. You need counseling to figure out who compromises or to end your marriage peaceably without resentment.
