Is he the uncle or father? Please help…advice needed.
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Firestar- The testing company told me that it will not show if he’s the father since it’s an Avuncular test. They said that he would have to take a paternity test in order to rule out whether or not he’s the father. They also told me that the results of an Avuncular test usually will only say 70 or 80 percent relatedness, but it can show a 99 percent. We still don’t really know if he’s really her father. Since the mother is set on telling my son that he’s definitely not the father, I cannot help but feel like she’s really afraid that he might be. I cannot understand why she is being so stubborn about this. It would be easier to just take it, and put this worry behind us.
Okay, but pushing her is risking your access and your son’s access to her and your grandchild.
He doesn’t actually want to do the test or go to court.
He talks to her everyday but can’t convince her?
So leave it alone.
A 99% reading is not rare. All the DNA test sites make that clear.
What happens if you find out your living son is the father?
What happens if you find your other son is the father?
Is there any significant difference from how you and your son behave today?Ron may be right, the mom wants either a country, state or other legal benefit to which the daughter isn’t entitled if her father is living.
Or maybe the mom doesn’t want the father of her child to be someone involved (or formerly involved) with drugs, crime, whatever.If the mom goes for insurance or other benefit, then you can formally request a paternity (not avuncular) test. Until then, what is the harm of just going with this story? Will it set your son back? Why not try out being a good uncle ? It doesn’t require much and it might be a way to connect to his niece-daughter without any pressure. Win win in my book.
It makes a huge difference considering the amount of grief I still have for my deceased son. I would like to know which one is the father. My son is trying to do better although he is on probation and has been in jail more than once. He got involved with some shady people and was introduced to certain drugs that turned his life upside down. He wants to do better and he has made strides in becoming a more mature, responsible man. He’s told me how much this bothers him about not knowing if he’s really the father. I feel like he will finally get his life on track IF he does find out that he’s the father. I could be wrong… I’m willing to admit that. The mother is pretty clear on my deceased son being the father. This will only continue to eat away at me and my son if this paternity test isn’t done.
A child shouldn’t have the job of straightening out the father. Your son will clean up his act because he decides to clean up his act. He can be an involved, loving uncle who stays out of trouble just as much as being an involved, loving dad who stays out of trouble. He can see the child as being a member of his family who could benefit from his living a good life. If that isn’t enough he will get into more trouble anyway.
He has already shown that he made poor choices. Poor choices of friends and activities. It is making better choices that will keep him out of trouble. Fathers can hang out with the wrong crowd just as much as uncles can. At the very least, he needs to prove himself worthy of being in this child’s life, even as an uncle. If I was the mother I wouldn’t let him near my child unless he kept himself out of trouble for a long period of time and didn’t hang out with the wrong sort of people for a long period of time. He would have to prove himself stable to get anywhere near my child. The needs of the child must come first regardless of which son is the father.
If he really thinks he could be the father he can petition the court for a paternity test. He hasn’t done that so doesn’t care to the point of finding out for certain.
Agreed, LW for all you say that your son wants to know he’s the father vs uncle he’s not willing to petition the court for a paternity test. The End. YOU can’t do anything, but love on your grandchild. If your son REALLY wanted to settle this he would petition for paternity and pay child support if necessary, again HE DOES NOT WANT TO DO THAT.
This has nothing to do with the mother. She believes your deceased son is the father. This is why she requested the avuncular test, and for her this situation has been solved. More than likely she wants her daughter to get the social security benefits from the deceased father, and if he was military their might be other benefits she can claim.
Again, stop harping on this. The ball is in your son’s court. Love your grandchild and be thankful you have a piece of your son. It may be when the child is 18 they’ll make the decision to have your uncle tested. But in the meantime, there’s nothing you can do.
If your son isn’t in a position to pay child support your grandchild is better off being the legal child of a deceased father. The grandchild will get monthly benefits that are much more guaranteed than what your living son can or will provide. The needs of the child should always come first. Your grandchild needs financial support and your deceased son can provide that support through social security benefits. Let your grandchild get what they need.
At some point in the future you could do some DNA testing like Ancestry that wouldn’t go through the courts but would tell you whether your son was the uncle or the father of the child. You need to wait until the child is 18 or until the mother gives permission. To do so without her permission when the child is a minor would be a great way to lose all access to the child.
I think you need to focus on being there for the child and being a safe, supportive place for that child. Provide financial assistance if you can. Babysit if you can. Be a loving presence in the life of this child. Take the long term view. Keeping the child as a member of the family should be a higher priority than determining if your son is the father, especially if that son isn’t in a position to provide the support the child needs.
And if they decide to never take a paternity test-
NEVER EVER bring this up anywhere near your granddaughter. Do not spread your hunch to anyone else, like your neighbors, family, friends. All that will do is invite drama and discord. You need to accept what she has said is the truth and let it go. The math regarding ovulation and pregnancy is not too terribly hard to figure out. Trust her. To continue on this path is only going to push them away.
Fine a grief counselor, STAT.
A grief counselor is a GREAT idea Anon!! For whatever reason the LW doesn’t want the child to be her deceased sons, and i think her grief is clouding how she views this situation. Grief is terrible and ongoing, having a counselor to work through it with would be wonderful LW.
I must say I had not thought of the inheritance/social security/life insurance angle. I think it is telling that the LW does not want to discuss how the one son died. If it had been cancer or an auto accident (not involving drugs or alcohol) I do not think this would be a problem. This leaves one conclusion, either that son was cut from the same cloth as the druggie/been in jail more than once son or he committed suicide. The granddaughter is clearly better off having the dead son as a father. The LW discuss how it “hurts me”, “troubles him” and about “worry”. Really its all about her (I think she is pushing the druggie son, if he really wanted to know he would go to court) and not what is best for this child. If the druggie son was the father then the LW would have access to this child which I think is what she really wants. As it stands now she does not have access unless the mother grants time with her. As for the son calling daily, well maybe he is or maybe not. Maybe the mother is afraid of him and or his “friends” and that is why is is still taking his calls. If I was her I really would try my hardest to move not not leave a forwarding address. I would not want anything to do with the LW or her family.
LW, you lost my sympathy when you said the purpose of your questions is to help your drug addicted son.
You and your son need to fix your issues and problems by yourself. It is not your grandchild’s responsibility.
Much like you, the mother of your grandchild also wants the best for her daughter. A drug addicted, broken person is not what is best for the child.
Even if the child is your surviving son’s daughter ( which I doubt), you need to leave them alone at this time.
If your son needs motivation, let him know he should fix himself so that he is in a position to pay child support when he is ready to take a paternity test.
