Is he the uncle or father? Please help…advice needed.
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If it is important to the grandmother and the uncle they could easily go to court and request a paternity test and find out. Why stress and stress about it and hate the mother but act helpless to do anything. If it means so much to them they should go ahead. She says it means a lot but then takes no action. If her son thinks he is the father he can easily go ahead and file for a court order for a paternity test. This isn’t on the mother of the granddaughter. This is on the son of the LW who is conflicted but doing nothing to sort out the conflict. There is no reason to be so angry with the mother if the son won’t do anything. If he thinks he is the father he should step up and ask for a paternity test and then they can quit blaming the mother for all the things that have gone wrong in their lives. If you do nothing you can’t blame her for your lack of action. That’s on the living son.
Snoopy —
The testing company has all the DNA samples and has tested them. They KNOW whether the living brother is uncle or father. They might not be saying, but they know. As Skyblossom said, if the brother really wanted to know, he’d find out. He doesn’t want to know. He just wants to get his mother off his ass.My vote is for the best interests of the kid. Always the kid over the fucked up adults. If the kid gets the extra SS money, that’s a good resolution from my perspective. This little girl has quite enough problems.
Because her son doesn’t want to go to court.
And that’s somehow this mother’s fault.
Carolann. You read through this post and read the situation this way:
“And then to flat out refuse to have a regular dna test.”
Ummm, she did the avuncular test. That’s a regular DNA test when you are certain who the father of your child is, and he’s deceased.
It’s so amazing that you can look at this post and ascribe BAD INTENTIONS to the mother of this girl. I guess there is a chance she reached out to this family only to trick SS into giving her benefits…
“She is purposely avoiding this because she knows the living brother may be the father.”
Or she actually is able to track her ovulation like many, many women. It’s easy to know when you got pregnant.
Why assume the absolute worst of everyone and their motivations?
Tiffani has repeatedly made it clear that her anger has taken over and skewed her view of the situation. It’s her sons fault that a paternity test hasn’t been done. She won’t even meet her grandchild. She won’t even look at pictures of her. She has certainly done nothing to be there or be supportive in anyway.
Or it could be this poor mother’s evil plan working out just perfectly. I’m sure she knew all about the drugs and various imprisonments that supposedly make him not want to go through the courts. I’m sure she wants to deprive her daughter of a father for SS benefits.
And as a child of an addict:
There are no former addicts. There are those that conquer their addiction and are sober. It’s work, constant work. A child is not a crutch. And growing up with an addict or alcoholic for a parent is not the best. I have been working with therapists on and off for years to get over the trauma of the negligence, neglect and abuse I suffered under my addicted parent’s hands. It’s really ugly to just casually suppose having a child might serve him well.@carolann, you are more concerned about one single mother filing a social security claim for survivor benefits on behalf of her daughter than you are about the life, health, and well-being on a young child. We do not need a DNA test to know that one of two brothers is the father of this child. You would rather this woman and her child spend the rest of her childhood fighting to get the child support, money that this child is entitled to under the law, from a man struggling with drug addiction, with a criminal record, currently on probation from his most recent offense. How exactly will this son pay child support? He has been incarcerated more than once. The state can’t garnish wages if he is sitting in a jail cell. Of course this son would have a legal incentive to pay child support on time. So what? You would rather this man be declared the father of this innocent child than the mother filing a social security claim.
Just because you had to struggle does not mean we should want others to struggle.
The child deserves to know who her real father actually is and hopefully in the end everyone will know.
A child deserves to grow up in a loving family. Instead, she has a grandparent who won’t meet her, let alone look at her. That seems more necessary to point out than whether she knows exactly who her father is. She doesn’t have one. He’s not there. That’s what she knows. In the unlikely event the living brother is, he doesn’t care enough to even seek out a test, so I don’t even understand why you are blaming the woman and on a crusade to paint her in a bad light. He doesn’t even care enough to seek a test out. That’s how little this possibility means to him. Going to the courts would inconvenience him.
The mother knows who the father is. That’s not something that needs to be investigated. A DNA test was taken, her mother has said who her father is.
The child isn’t the one trying to force another test into this situation.
Tiffani there are many things in this world that are not your choice but you are being presented now with a gift. If you accept this gift, there is NO downside. None.
Accept that the mother is telling the truth, your late son is the kid’s father. Give this child the love that you can’t give to your son. Give the mother love for bringing your only grandchild into this world. Don’t spend time focused on the time that you missed, focus on the time that you have.
Move forward. Don’t move backwards.
I haven’t read this whole thing, but I get it now. The LW blames the mother because she thinks her other son would have some how stayed out of trouble if he knew he had a daughter, and she see’s her other son going down the same path, and thinks if his niece all of the sudden morphs into his daughter he will turn things around and it will save his life… Fuck that, shit doesn’t happen like that. People who do bad things, or are addicted to shitty drugs that cause you to overdose, don’t give a fuck about other people while they are in that state of mind. They pretend they do for a short period of time, but the drug always wins. I have too many friends and family, who loved their kids, but are still very dead. You need to focus on a real way to get you and your son help, and stop blaming this poor women, who’s raising a child on her on. Which it sounds like she had a good reason to be doing that.
That’s exactly right, the addiction is always more important. Ask any child of an addict. Ask any partner.
It’s a nice idea that people suddenly turn their lives around when faced with more responsibility, but that what it is, a nice idea, not truth.
I do want to say that I’m glad the mother did finally contact me and I’m happy that I have a granddaughter. I’m just unhappy with the fact that the mother has robbed me the privilege of establishing a bond with her from the very beginning. I won’t be able to get those years back. When my son passed away from suicide, something in me changed from that day on. I was very close with him and I was left feeling like I failed him as a mother. He was addicted to drugs and was living a very unsavory life. I tried my best to be there for him but it wasn’t enough. I do feel like it could have made a difference IF he’d only known about this little girl. He could still be here. I cannot help but blame the mother. I can only hope that my feelings change toward her. She appears to be a good mother so I will give her credit for that. It’s hard to wrap my mind around why my two sons would be so immature and irresponsible when it comes down to sleeping with the same woman. It’s embarrassing to me. My living son does want this test done but he’s trying his best to stay on the good side of the mother. To be honest, I feel like he still likes her. He speaks of her almost constant. Overall, he does wonder if he’s really the father and he’s not planning on dropping this. All of this has made me so emotional. I want to meet my granddaughter but I’m scared of breaking down in front of her.
It sounds like neither of your sons would have been a positive influence in your granddaughter’s life when she was born. You may have lost some years with her and that is very sad but she needs stability more than anything else in life. She needs a dad who isn’t a drug addict. If having children cured addicts of their addiction having children would be encouraged. It doesn’t work that way at all. It’s nice to think he would have turned his life around if he had just known but that is doubtful. That’s a nice dream. Reality is that he was an addict and couldn’t have been there for her either financially or emotionally. He couldn’t have done the bare minimum necessary of a father. If having a mom that loved him didn’t make him not be an addict having a child wouldn’t have done it either.
Don’t blame the mother for keeping her child safe. That’s her job. It will be bitter sweet meeting this girl but how it goes will be a matter of your mindset. If you choose to see the situation as something that was stolen from you the bitterness will come through. If you see the situation as a gift where you get a grandchild you never expected the happiness can come through. If this girl has a safe, loving home then she has the most important things and her mom is doing a good job with limited resources.
You also can’t assume that your son knew nothing about this little girl. He may have known there was a baby and didn’t care to ask about her or wonder if he was the dad. He may have avoided the mother because he didn’t want to be a father or to pay child support. We don’t know and you can’t know. All you can know is that she is here and you get a chance to have a granddaughter. Few people get such a beautiful chance after losing a child. You can let something positive come from this. You can choose to have a granddaughter in your life.
