Is my GF an addict?
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To answer your question- I would have asked my partner first. I would not have obeyed the meddling relative’s instructions. I would have told my partner exactly what they said, verbatim. In person, face to face OR on the phone if necessary.
You said you’ve trusted her completely. She told you about her past issues with depression and drinking. She’s your gf, dude. That’s the person you owe loyalty to.
Now you have-
Lied to her about what the phone call was about
Gone behind her back to discuss with a third party (it doesn’t matter that you consider this person a vault, you broke her trust)
Lied to her again about what the relative said
That relative sure is good at wrecking her relationships.
I agree – this would’ve been a better conversation for in-person. If you had taken the call from the relative and talked to her right then when she was with you, or as you claim you need to process things, just sat on it and not talked to anyone until you had a chance to be with her again, that would’ve been better.
But then you started mucking around lying to her about exactly what you heard and going behind her back to talk to other people. You need to talk to her sooner rather than later to go into damage control.
She’s only mad at you NOW, but she’s going to be mad once you learned you weren’t forthcoming about things with her. And she will learn that.
Yes, two persons can keep a secret if one of those persons is dead.
Yes, the conversation should have happened immediately, but it still is not a telephone-type discussion. It must be in-person.
There is blame to go all around here-but I stand by people minding their own business, I wish the relative had never called me.-I can’t take back the phone call from the relative and my stunned and poor reaction-so dwelling on that is useless.
I will tell my partner as she has a right to know what I was told and we will take it from there.Julie was so irately anger that the relative called me, that I did not want to tell her all until I could process it myself-also Julie was 2 days out from losing her job from a company closure, and in despair at that,and still in recovery from a major operation. Maybe I was wrong to soften the call,but I did. I am not keeping any secrets for the relative-they asked me to not say anything to Julie-it fact they thought Julie was not there when they called. But I did tell Julie when I saw the caller id on my phone who was calling me ( before I even answered) and would have told Julie that they called if she had not been there..
It was not the relative’s place to share this (true or not) information and it’s not your place to hide things from her and take it to outside parties.
No grown adult I know needs someone to “soften the blow.” Humans are resilient. She’s not a child.
I hope/think your trying to do your best for her, but this comes off really patronizing.
People aren’t “dwelling on it” just for the heck of it. You’re asking for advice, and the advice is to not do what you’ve been doing and do something else. Also, when you ask a board full of people for advice, you will likely get multiple posts with the same feedback.
I mean, why are you focusing on being mad at the relative “putting you in this position”? (Mom, sister, aunt? HOW IS THIS PERSON RELATED?? It doesn’t matter, but it’s weird to me that you’re being cagey about that detail, lol.)
Honestly, I think you’re upset because you believe the relative. You’re upset because you wish you’d never found out your GF is a secret addict. You KNOW that means you can’t buy a house together because you don’t/can’t trust her.
I’m sorry this happened. But if your girlfriend has hidden addiction from you, that could and perhaps should be a relationship killer. It sucks. I’m sorry.
The relative is Julie’s sister. BGM-no long sleeves unless it is winter. And whether I believe the relative or not-she should never have contacted me-IMO and I will do full disclosure to Julie.,
I said that I appreciate all the opinions and I do,whether I agree or not. Of course,also the ultimate responsibility lies with Julie-to have told me this,if true ,in the first place.
The relative was not calling out of concern for Julie’s well being, but to “warn” me about Julie. I actually do not think this needs to be a “relationship killer” on either of our parts,but we shall see.
