Is my GF an addict?
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This doesn’t need to be a relationship killer, but better than even odds that it will be.
Relationships are built upon attraction, compatibility, and trust. Trust is essential. Lose it and it is very hard to be anything more than friends with benefits. A profound lost of trust has already happened or at least been exposed. You don’t trust her much at all at this point. Once she finds out that you’ve lied about what her sister told you and largely believed for close to a week that she is/was an addict — she’s going to lose a lot of trust in you. She’s going to know that you didn’t have her back. In a battle between sisters, you chose to believe the sister who isn’t your gf and kept her secret from your gf.
You do need to decide whether you are able to be in a relationship with a recovery addict. You do need to know exactly where your personal red line dealbreakers lie. Once you have the conversation, your gf is going to have to decide the same.
At this point in time, you really have no solid reason to strongly suspect that your gf is an addict. You have no solid reason to believe she withheld something very important about her past from you. You have no solid reason to believe her sister — yet you do. Your gf told you that her sister always tries to break up her relationships; she apparently told you this well before her sister phoned you — yet you believe the sister. That is not a good sign for the survival of your relationship. You have to be able to trust your partner. Your partner needs to feel that she is trusted by you.
I know you are being sarcastic,but yes I will. BTW, as to getting flak (from some posters) for posting on here-FYI every letter writer here is in some way putting their or someone else’s personal business into cyberspace. If they did not put it here, there would not be an advice column for anyone to comment on.
She COULD be an addict,or maybe she is not-I don’t know and did not say I did,one way or the other. The issue is that what the sister said is plausible,though it could be an outright lie. I will find out. Should I have said what she said ( Julie’s sister) right there and then -yes probably. I was taken aback,shocked and stunned etc. So I was not clearly thinking and was very upset. I did not concoct an evil plan to betray my GF.
No one said you concocted an evil plan, but your instinct was immediately to hide the truth, ask others about it and keep lying.
That’s not really what a supportive, trusting partner normally does.
I think you should apologize, tell her the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
Hmm, the LW did say the relative asked her not to say anything because that would end their relationship with the GF.
I think the by keeping quiet the LW is trying to avoid being the cause of acrimony between sisters.
LW, unfortunately I don’t think there is no way you could both question your GF and also avoid mentioning her sister’s name.
I understand that you were blind-sided at the time and unsure of the best reaction, given your gf’s recent surgery and impending job loss… but, you’ve had time to think about it and you still don’t trust her, despite:
— you say you specifically asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell you and she elaborated on things she had already told you and said nothing else — you clearly don’t believe/trust that answer, or your mind would be settled and you wouldn’t be concerned that your gf is/was a secret addict
— you told us that your gf was offered a prescription of narcotic painkillers and turned it down. That is not something an active addict would do. It is a point in her favor. Admittedly a recovering addict would be likely to do that.
— you’ve told us that one reason for your concern was that your gf told you a story about a person who was an addict. She never said she was that person. If this were a ‘solve the mystery’ problem, my guess would be that the story your gf told you is true and that the addict is her sister.
— you said that you don’t believe the sister’s reason for the call was to help her sister or benefit you, in other words, she wanted to stir the shit, yet that call has raised grave doubts in your mind about your gf’s honesty and sobriety. This is pretty much the definition of lack of trust and not having her back
— you very clearly cannot just let this go and put it aside until you can speak to her in person, that speaks to the high level of doubt that you now have about her, precipitated only by her sister’s phone call. WTF?
I did not choose to obey the sister by not saying anything. Julie knew from the outset her sister was calling me. I would not have kept it from Julie even if the sister had called when I was not with Julie,as the sister mistakenly thought.
I do plan to apologise for handling this badly-Julie hates her sister ( for good reason,I now totally understand) and does not think the sister should call me about anything ever,anyway. It was the first time the sister had ever called me.Ron,the addict Julie alluded to was her own daughter. The sister told me the same story with Julie as the addict. I also now believe in retrospect that the sister was stirring things up. At the time she called I actually had reason to believe ( kind of assumed at the outset) she was going to talk to me about how to help Julie financially and/ or if Julie needed or would accept her help. That was not ,obviously why she called.
She COULD be an addict,or maybe she is not-I don’t know and did not say I did,one way or the other.
I mean, I feel like this means you kind of do believe it though. You believe it enough that you can’t dismiss it out of hand. And be honest, that is driving why you’re being so squirrelly here. Because you think it might be true but you don’t want to admit it might be true so rather than deal with it you’re going to stick your head in the sand and argue with anyone who says otherwise.
If someone called me up, someone that I know has a contentious relationship with my husband, and told me he was a drug addict, I’d laugh and them and roll my eyes.
Because I know him. Because I trust him. Because I have no reason or evidence that would support such a claim. And hell yeah I’d tell on them because fuck that person trying to fuck with my husband.
Wow, Pearlwhite! From the melodrama you’ve been posting, I just assumed that you and gf must be somewhere 18-24 — but your gf has a daughter old enough to be an addict. I shouldn’t have to tell you that you should be too mature for all of this crap. I also shouldn’t have to tell you that while you can have the hots for anyone and can enjoy the company of anyone, it really isn’t possible to actually love someone when you are as unable to trust that person as you have shown yourself to be. Real love, like real relationships, are built on a foundation of trust and honest communication. Your relatationship is sorely lacking in both and apparently not because you and she are young and inexperienced. I don’t really think it matters what you do from here. Your relationship is as good as dead.
And for what it’s worth, I have no idea if Julie is an addict or not.
But I do know you don’t trust her, and I do know that you cannot communicate maturely with her.
And none of that is good news for your relationship.
That is why this is not black and white. As I said-there are reasons to believe it could be true. Is it a betrayal to not dismiss it out of hand? Not all issues are the same-if someone had called that she was having an affair I would never have believed a word.
Of course I want it not to be true,but it could be true and I will find out. I am not arguing as to the truth of it because I don’t know what that it yet.
Ron,Julie not taking the drug offer from the Dr. IS an example of something that could be read either way-as is this whole situation.
