“My Boyfriend is Having a Baby with Another Woman”
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Like Wendy said. NO, NO, NO! Just no! You guys are not good together because he is a bad egg. He did NOT think you guys were over. He cheated. Then he dodged you like an immature child and lied. And any future with him will have his kid, not YOUR, kid in it, as well as his mistress.
You dont love him. Your brain is just used to a certain chemical flow with this guy. Kick his ass to the curb and in a short time it will reprogram itself and you will be SO OVER THIS LOSER!
Yeah, literally the only thing to do here is just end it. You’re very long distance. You were fighting a lot. He cheated on you. He was fine with you taking a break. He doesn’t seem to want to get back together. He now has a baby mama.
Plus he’s lied lied lied to you. There is almost no chance this was a one night stand. He’s probably been in a relationship with someone else or at least sleeping with someone else for a while now. He didn’t think you were over, he knew he was cheating. He got someone pregnant and didn’t tell you.
This relationship is dead. There’s nothing to fight for. You have a great life and a bright future and aren’t tied down with kids at 21. Just live your life and enjoy it.
My heart goes out to the women who experience this type of pain. I couldn’t/wouldn’t want to imagine the person I love not only cheating on but getting that person pregnant. That’s a nightmare. I’m sorry LW. If it were me I’d move on. Your worth is so much more than this.
You know, now that I think about it, I don’t know anyone who found out about the cheating with a baby announcement either. There might be some abortions of which I’m not aware of. I do know a bunch of people who had their husbands/boyfriends cheat on them – and then later they had new babies. But that was more like “The wife’s out of the picture! I’m getting knocked up so he’ll stay!”
I think I’m just dealing with people who have access to birth control. Or are sterile.
Well, I’m going to quote Judge Lynn Toler of ‘Divorce Court’ because I think that she says it better than anyone:
“20 is for you. 20 is for growth. 20 is for the pursuit of a tomorrow that is better than today. 20 is for options. 20 is for passion and knowledge and enjoyment. It is not for continuous compromise. It is not a time to say this is the guy that I gotta make it with, because this is the guy that I have. And no matter what compromises, no matter what I don’t like, no matter what he does, I have to put up with it, because he’s my man.
20 is for firing dudes when they don’t act right. 20 is for figuring out what you like in certain men. 20 is for finding what kind of men are out there and which ones you want to keep and which ones you want to discard. It’s not for sticking it out when you’re not enjoying it anymore.
20 is opportunity to move onward, upward, forward. Get a large life so that even if a dude doesn’t end up in it, you still enjoy it. 20 is for creating all of that potential, not just compromising your way into the corner of a closet somewhere, wondering what the heck happened?’
Girl, move on. If the only thing he has going on is getting random chicks pregnant, he has nothing to offer you. Don’t mess up your life trying to make this work!
I guess that I’ve heard of a lot of other bad conduct IRL, infidelity, etc but never this. Probably because for most of these folks the boyfriend was cheating prolifically and copped to the least damning lie that could explain the baby rather than having a fantastically unlucky licit sexual encounter that resulted in a pregnancy.
There is no such thing as “unofficially over”. That’s just cheating. This isn’t the case where you try and work through infidelity. You are 21. This is when you walk away, block him and thank your lucky stars he showed you who he is now instead of 5 years from now. This isn’t a good man. You have a bright future ahead of you. Don’t diminish yourself by staying with someone who will cheat on you for the rest of your lives together.
An update from the LW:
“Early may this year I wrote to Wendy for advice. My boy friend of three years cheated and got a girl pregnant. Then acted like a complete douche about it. I was very hurt and confused when I wrote to Wendy. I got a lot of great advice. That I decided to take.He kept wanting to drag me along with unnecessary communication. Never really stating what he wanted. With each conversation saying more hurtful things like oh maybe we will be together in another world or it’s cause you pushed me to do this etc.A few weeks later I was mess and my exams were approaching I was getting depressed. Then I decided to be real with myself. I told him to leave me alone and go and figure out his life cause it was unhealthy for me and just totally pointless to keep contact. Then I cut him off. He replied but I never read i just deleted him. The first weeks were sooo hard. But I was determined not to look back. I focused on my exams and passed thank God. As time went by it got better it hurt but not as much . For the first time last summer I decided not to go to my home country but to stay and experience Russian summer. It was a great experience I traveled a lot. I spent so much time with my best friend who helped me though everything. My relationship with sisters also just become amazing as they were my support systems. Some days were hard but I kept myself busy and happy. Toward the end of summer his friend contacted my best friend which was a big mistake. He let her know that he had been dating the other girl for months it was seriously and he was now engaged. I thanked him for the unnecessary info and let him know I do not need updates on his life or anything he is upto .I can not lie that set me back like a storm. I felt bad and played . But it came with a sense of relief. Relief that I walked away from a manipulator cheater and liar. So I got past that too. I eventually didn’t care and continued my adventure. Then he contacted me saying it’s been long and every other useless line. But I know better than to entertain him again. He kept contacting me from august to September. I think he finally gave up. Well almost five months now from the initial breakup . I have to admit some days still get me . But not as bad . I have defiantly reached a better place. I met a new guy but decided not to enter any relationship as at now. I realised I almost settled for cheap disrespectful behavior cause I was too scared of walking away. I was with him from the day I turned 18. So I had never been alone as an “adult” and that frightened me. But now I got to be alone I remembered what I wanted for myself before I stupidly thought he was my everything. I Focused on a fantasy relationship in my head when that guy never even treated me half as I deserved to be treated. It took being alone for me realize I want more. I want my medical career, to travel the world I don’t want to be sad over some guy ignoring me for days or forgetting my birthday every-time . My self esteem is back in check. My grades are great and am healthier.Plus now I definitely know it will get better and am better off alone than waking up at 30 trapped with some lame guy having volunteered myself to be a step mother at 21 being cheated on every chance he gets. Plus he didn’t want me anyways so his loss. Right now am
Planing a trip with my friends to Greece am so excited and everything is great. One day at a time. So thank you Wendy this is not exactly a full success story as I am still in the process. But I hope to come back with a full recovery story soon enough. Sorry for the lengthy mail I tend to be a chatter box. “
