I think people can and do change. Not all of them, of course. But I believe humans are capable of reflection and change. I believe he could have visited brothels and now believe that type of activity isn’t okay.

If he doesn’t explain his side, she’ll only know this part and it is likely going to fester and infect the good thing they have (if they do have that.)

What are you talking about Northern star? It sounds like you want to tar and feather this dude because he went to a brothel in his past. Now he is a cheater. There was no mention of any girlfriend in Australia. Her issue after dissecting his past messages in a violation of HIS trust was that he frequented a brothel. Zero about cheating.
But if fidelity is important, you ask. Before you marry. “Hey boyfriend, ever cheat on a past girlfriend?” I’ve asked that question. If prostitution is a deal breaker, you ask. Not “hey girlfriend here is a list of all my past sins and infractions you may or may not be interested in. Please star the ones you want me to account and atone for.” What the fuck? And for the record, you can have a conversation about an issue without hearing the naughty details about someone’s past.
You get to choose, as a fundamental right of individuality, what you share of yourself, with whom and when. No one can know absolutely everything about another person. All of us choose everyday what to share and with whom. None of us owe a full accounting of our lives to anyone. Ever.

Yeah, knowledge gained by snooping is illicit knowledge — knowledge she has no right to possess. It was a GROSS violation of privacy.

“Frequent abortion habit”? Get serious. To these guys one abortion made you a convicted baby killer, even using contraceptives would be seen as way more than a bit morally derelict. Are you going to tell me that you don’t know dozens of people (male and female) with this point of view. Perhaps it’s a generational thing or perhaps you just don’t know any traditional Catholics or Evangelicals. The world is made of many people with very different viewpoints, especially on issues of morality. People who can’t see grey just mess with our whole ability to function as a society.

One thing I’ve learned: most people live their lives according to a moral framework. Their framework may not be at all similar to yours, but they believe it and live accordingly. So everyone has things they react viscerally to.

LW would probably be doing her husband an ultimate favor to simply leave him and get a divorce. She has no sense of grey.

I mean, if a woman is a hypocrite – thinking abortion is morally acceptable for her/her family and murder for anyone else, she kind of deserves to get her dumped if she partners up with someone who has pro-life values.

If the LW’s husband thinks that prostitution is morally reprehensible *but* for himself, then yeah sure, he deserves to have his ass dumped too for misrepresenting himself to his wife.

The advice to be upfront with your partner about where you stand on key moral issues (like abortion) and only partner up someone who shares your values applies if you are clear with yourself on where you stand and living in a way that is consistent with your values. If you are living in conflict with your own values, well there can be consequences for living a dishonest life.

I don’t feel bad for hypocrites who get caught in their hypocrisies.

ele4phant —
I doubt the woman thought it acceptable for her family. She thought the particular situation her daughter was in made it unavoidable. I suspect she saw it as a very grave sin and weighed 2 from her standpoint very bad outcomes. Perhaps she is just a hypocrite. My friend was so amazed to see her back on the picket line that he carries this tale with him and told it to us with a sense of helpless bewilderment.

I look at it this way: in a sense the social conservatives are big bullies who want to control the moral decisions of others, even when those others run their own moral lives by very different precepts. On the other hand, I think they want the extra weight of illegality enforcing their church’s moral teachings, lest they, their families, friends, and neighbors stray from those teachings. Clearly, with the American South and much of the Midwest full of religious fundamentalists whose churches teach that abortion and contraception are grave sins, all of those teachings haven’t yielded a reduced rate of abortion, or use of contraception, or divorce, or people addicted to painkillers. I guess perhaps we are all hypocrites writ large or small. We believe strongly in things in the abstract, but that belief gives way to practicality in the real world. “Do I want my 10th grade college-bound pregnant daughter, whose bf has run for the hills, to birth a child?” Tough questions yield difficult answers.

I look at it this way: in a sense the social conservatives are big bullies who want to control the moral decisions of others, even when those others run their own moral lives by very different precepts.

Right agreed. So if they live their lives in a way that is conflict with their moral leanings, I think they deserve whatever backlash that comes their way if they get exposed.

I don’t think that the LW’s husband is in the wrong here, but sex work is a fraught topic for many, and that’s not a surprise to any adult human that people are going to have very strong, visceral reactions to it. If it’s something that’s part of his past, it’s kind of on him to investigate whether or not his partner has an issue with it.

Not necessarily saying he has to *tell* them he has visited brothels personally, but rather get an understanding of where his partner is on the spectrum. Obviously, not every couple needs to have this discussion because not every person has gone to a sex worker. But he has, ergo, he needs to do his due diligence when evaluating partners.

And if he thinks that sex work is wrong, but somehow made it okay for himself in his mind, then he’s being a hypocrite and kind of deserves what he gets, just like pro-lifers that get abortions in private.

If he morally is okay with sex work, but he knows his wife wouldn’t be, again, I think that’s on him for not clarifying him moral stance (again, just his moral stance not necessarily revealing his personal stance), then he knowingly married someone whom he knew has a diametrically opposed viewpoint on the issue. That’s misrepresenting himself and his moral frame, and yeah, he kind of deserves what he’s getting right now. It’s not about whether his past is right or wrong, or his value system right or wrong, its about the fact that he allowed someone to marry him without clarifying a key shared value.