“My husband’s past with brothels”
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Firestar, I support Northern star’s opinion that a wife has every right to ask her husband about his past and form an opinion about his moral standards. This will give her a good idea about what to expect in her future with him. Replace the scenario of using prostitutes with using drugs and the answer will remain the same.
Finding a partner involves finding compatibility at many levels including moral norms. In this particular case though, it is moot as the LW already married a guy that she does not know much about.
The idea that who he legally fucked in college before he met her is this huuuuge deal is truly ridiculous. This is the same group who routinely schools LWs for having an issue with their SOs watching porn. Seriously, none of you see the disconnect here? Are we pretending that porn actors and cam girls have protected status? Isn’t consuming porn dehumanizing to women? Why is that totally normal but this privacy-violating woman is entitled to answers? Why?
I see a distinction between porn actors and cam girls in that you’re interacting with cam girls. That crosses a line for me. Also, I believe they are more likely to be trafficked and held against their will (though I don’t think the percentage is all that high, it is a thing).
Porn I see on pornhub or whatever, the actresses seem to be of age and nothing seems too upsetting about the situation. Yes it objectifies women, but some of it to a lesser degree, and I think it’s all regulated.
But there’s a lot of porn out there I don’t watch that I think can be very problematic, yeah.
I mean yeah, to be honest, porn isn’t great, but there is a VERY wide spectrum from, like, lesbian massage parlor type stuff to, idk, I’m assuming gang rape scenarios, underage stuff, abuse, even murder porn.
Saneinca – I don’t think we have actually ever agreed! I can’t think of one time. But that’s the beauty of this site. Lots of different perspectives and voices you might not have otherwise been exposed to. Even if you still disagree at the end of the thread.
I agree with saneinca on two points. First, it is wise to ask enough questions in a serious relationship to know that you are compatible on many levels, including your personal morality and general views on money, kids, politics, religion, and life goals. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you need to be compatible, as in you both understand and know you can happily live with the differences.
On the situation in question, I also agree with her that the questioning and differences become, perhaps not moot, but at least of a very different nature after you choose to marry and have a child with the person. That really ups the stakes and the obligation to try a lot harder to live with any differences in outlook. The marriage in question now includes two very young children. That is a very great responsibility.
@Ron – mine is blue. Please try to remember it as clearly it’s a big deal to me. 😉
I agree with @Kate that if something IS a big deal to you, then you need to discuss it with a long term partner. Smoking is a deal breaker for me. Someone who wasn’t pro-choice would be a big deal to me (let’s not debate this). Someone who was fervently another religion would have been a big deal if I’d planned to have kids.
I guess I just think sex worker use is fairly unlikely to come up in an organic way in conversation. I saw your examples, Kate, but they seemed pretty situational. I think for many people, you’d have to try and have that conversation intentionally. I would, at least.
I intentionally asked my husband if he had ever visited a prostitute.
I never asked him how many women he has slept with. Because I don’t care how many, I care whether or not he respects women and views them as sentient beings, or..commodities.Weird, after asking him about his life before me, I found we were compatible!
Also, being in a house with two toddlers may have skewed my perception, but how do you not know your spouses favorite color? How does that not come up?
I don’t know. Life is not a trivial pursuit game. I was hard pressed to think of a color I might consider my own favorite. I like a lot of different colors in different contexts. Beautiful things are beautiful, regardless of color. Every color comes in a range of hue and intensity, some great, some not so great. Almost every color, in the right context, hue, and intensity is marvelous. What’s your favorite color always struck me as a rather strange question.
Color me in agreement with Ron, and appreciating how well he stated it. Lol.
I kinda hate to be put into a box or forced to choose. My favorite song, book, color, food, is going to be impossible to pick because I couldn’t narrow it down. And it’s kinda wonderful that folks don’t all think the same.
