My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don't "love" his body.
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She isn’t concerned about his health. She’s grossed out because he’s fat, which is her right, but he’s entitled to be with someone not gross out by him.
“Now after several problems with our marriage, and just going through the motions for a few years, he asked for a divorce.”
You should probably get divorced.
My opinion is more nuanced. I think you should continue the couple therapy. You are presently expressing feelings that have been repressed, so it can cause quite a shock at first to both. But things can evolve though, and you still might find a common ground. You probably focus too much on his weight (your post shows that, with all these numbers), and he has a complex about it as he asked himself the question. He suffers from your rejection.
But I wonder if your attraction isn’t simply decreasing because of the routine and long time together. All couples have eventually less sex than at the beginning, and to have ups and downs in attraction, and less sex after having a child, is normal – although you should, as love partners, have a basic attraction to each other, which I assume you had or you wouldn’t have married each other.
I think that if you want to preserve the marriage and the family, you should emphasise your love and attachment to him, and make the weight thing less important, so that he doesn’t feel reduced to this factor in your eyes. Accept this part of him. And he can also work on his shape, for himself first. Everybody has defects. So do continue the therapy, give some more chance to the dialogue, and don’t give up after the first reaction. The simple fact to be together in therapy is in itself a positive sign.
What he tells you is a bit exaggerated too. You didn’t rob him of anything; you married him because you love him, and he loved you too – or it doesn’t make sense to marry. You had a child together, so you both have accomplished great achievements together. Take what he says with a grain of salt, and give some time to the therapy to process the feelings. The divorce can always be an option. But the question is more: how can you have a happy sex life on a realistic perspective: with him overweight, and with you not so interested in sex (as it seems). Try to find an agreement: at least once-twice a week, a romantic date per week, and so on.Brise —
It’s not at all clear to me that she loves him. She more or less likes his personality. Primarily she seems to be clinging to the marriage because she is change averse and worried about a future without him. I don’t see how marital counseling can help. she isn’t at all attracted to him and he can’t stand that. A counselor can’t cause her to have a physical attraction to his body. I seriously doubt that a counselor can cause him not to care that she is basically repulsed by his body. He might gradually lose some weight, but he’s been a variety of weights since they’ve been together and it seems she has never especially liked his body. Some relationships aren’t fixable. This one came down to whether he could find a marriage acceptable in which he got some sex and companionship and joint parenting but knew for a certainty that his wife finds his body gross. He has decided that he can’t. End of story. I think it would be malpractice for a counselor to try to change his decision, although I no some counselors are so into always saving the marriage that their counselor might try to convince him that he just needs to accept this status quo.“He says he can’t trust me anymore, and thinks that our whole relationship was a lie and that I robbed him of finding someone who could of loved him”
That is a lot to come back from in any relationship; his desire to try is a requirement for the changes they will both have to make to fix all the resentment and negativity. Obviously they could just stay married and it doesn’t sound as though life would be particularly bad. They could find a good middle ground as a couple and enjoy the perks of marriage and being a family. There are no perfect lives. People stay in marriage and navigate disappointment just about everywhere. Perhaps they could even find happiness together. But I think the more nuanced reading of the letter writer’s husband’s reaction assumes that he hasn’t thought about it, he is reacting towards his wife rather than voicing his fully informed conclusions, and that his experience of their their life history isn’t accurate.
Brise, I think you are assuming he won’t be happier or better off following a divorce and maybe he won’t be. But I doubt he casually asked for one.
I think he probably knows exactly how lonely he has been for the last few years and if it is good for him to even try. If sex and physical intimacy have been a fundamental incompatibility issues for this long, maybe he does deserve a chance to pursue both love and acceptance on more honest terms.
Perhaps if he isn’t starved for affection and emotional intimacy by being married to someone he distrusts and resents, he will start taking better care of himself.
Your husband gets to divorce you for any reason he wants. You definitely think you’re out of his league and he should be grateful to have you and the scraps of physical affection you deign to dole out. What a gross attitude for a wife to have about her husband. I can see why he’s done.
Since he’s so smart and funny and awesome, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding someone who likes being with him (for the person in this thread claiming fatties won’t find love). And you will be free to find someone you think of as an equal. A partner, if you will.
I do wonder where she ranks now since she says she *was* thin and pretty. When looks are your main selling point you’re (not getting) screwed later in life. She’s going to be dating a lot of older dudes. I wonder how many positions they’ll be busting out…?
His weight is a problem.
Ooh, Oracle please don’t come for the big guys. Some of us like our men a little beefy. 🙂 Um, his weight is a problem for her and maybe for you but that’s not a universal preference for all women.
Yeah, 350 is a bit much for a 5’11 frame but 250? 260?, not so much. Also, there’s a huge difference between a 250 lb dude who’s active and a 250 lb dude who’s a couch potato. On of the sexiest dudes that I know is about 275? but he’s hella active. He’s just a big dude (also there are a ton of professional athletes that are upwards of 250 lbs).
She needs to own her part in the demise of her marriage. She liked his personality and thought she would be OK with his weight but she’s not. The sooner she owns that ish, they can both move on to better relationships.
Another chubby lover here. My husband is 5’11” about 260. He is insanely muscular with a bit of a gut. His thighs are more than two of mine all muscle. I couldn’t even imagine a skinny guy. No thanks.
Cleopatra and JD you do know that muscle tissue weighs more than adipose tissue? Metabolism runs faster in muscle tissue too.
I do find it interesting that her husband picked out someone of normal weight. Double standard maybe. She says she fell in love with him because of who he was was, the sexual attraction part she did not deem as important as who he was on the inside. Can you say the same thing about him? The counselor brought up the weight because it is the elephant in the room. She was really happy with him at 250 so it is not like she had to have someone with a perfect body. I do not think she should be blasted for her lack of initiating sex. If he really loved her he would put some effort into the marriage – like in losing some of the weight and working on whatever other problems they are having. I am not seeing that. He is morbidly obese not just obese. If you think he is telling her his true weight, well what can I say. He is not going to have the girls standing in line for him, whether you think that is fair or not. I think she needs to divorce him, he’s not trying. He’ll figure it out after the divorce and then he will lose some weight. But unfortunately it probably will be bait and switch with the new girlfriend/wife I really hope she finds someone that truly loves her and is just not into just pleasing himself.
