Opinions on taking husband's last name?
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It’s so interesting to me how deaply personal this is to people, and how different everyone’s responses and rationals are. I don’t know that I consider myself a feminist because I don’t like the connotations that come along with the label, but I definitely beleave men and women are equals.
That being said- I can’t wait to be Mrs. HisLastName. Like I can not wait. I want to be his wife and bake cookies for his office and all kinds of crazy things like that. And I can’t wait to be Dr and Mrs too. haha.
There is no right-or-wrong way about changing your name. Just what is right-or-wrong for the individual.
Bethany- my MIL refers to people’s partner’s as their boyfriends and it drives me nuts. Like she’ll call and ask me “is your boyfriend around?” It really drives me up the wall. I hate the term “boyfriend” as it is and I thought I was done with it when I got married. But I don’t say anything because she’s just trying to be funny and does it for her own marriage and even did it to MY mom not long ago. My mother is pretty serious so she probably thought it was silly.
Feminism: the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men
Sorry, I get a wee bit frustrated when I hear this stuff about how women are/are not feminists. If you believe in equality and respect for both genders you are a feminist. I am a feminist, my boyfriend is a feminist. Although granted I haven’t asked him about this particular point I am now interested and I will write back when I figure out the answer.
I have struggled with this point a lot actually, and haven’t come up with a really great solution. I love my name, and have been referred to it relatively frequently instead of by my first name. It’s short and easy to spell. Also my entire life I have been waiting to be referred to as Dr. Dairyland (ooh, I actually wish that WAS my last name now). I don’t have anything published, but I am hoping to write as a veterinarian so once that happens I will probably be creating a name for myself.
However there is no way I could combine my name with my boyfriend’s, as they rhyme. Think Alice Dairyland Maryland. Ugh. So that rules out hyphen, combining, or even making it my middle name. Plus I love my middle name. I would consider having my boyfriend change his last name, but my name is very feminine and my dad and brother were both teased pretty badly for their last name. Plus he is an only child and his father was an only child so he is carrying his name.
I guess for me it comes down to when I get married in comparison to getting my degree, and then whether or not I really feel like I need to share my children’s last name. Or if the girls get my last name, and the boys get his. Or something. This is more complicated than I originally thought.
“It didn’t occur to me until much, much later: I would never ask him to change his name – I would feel too awful. And yet why was I considering someone else’s asking that of me to be perfectly normal? How was I so ready to accept the inevitability of doing what I couldn’t bring myself to ask of another person? No! That wasn’t okay!”
@painted_lady: Yes! This exactly! Some people think because you’re a woman, because it’s socially acceptable and normal, that’s it’s somehow okay to expect (even demand!) that you change your name when you get married. Um, no, sorry, it’s still not okay. My name is mine, whether I’m married or not, and I get to decide whether I want to change it. I don’t owe it to anyone to change my name – not even my husband.
@Bethany, I miss my old name too. I kept my maiden as my middle name, so now I’m Firstname Mylastname Hislastname. I get kind of sad when people leave off my middle name and call me just Firstname Hislastname. Sometimes when I order stuff online, I have it sent to me by maiden name, just because it’s nice to see my maiden name in print.PS Bethany… I seriously imagine you in my head as a Cat Pirate. Like you are saying things as a cat pirate named Bethany and it cracks me up no matter what you are writing about. 🙂
mf- I do the same thing sometimes 🙂
It makes me happy to know that I’m not the only one who misses their old name.
I definitely remember the last last-name thread, and probably shared some of these thoughts in it, but I figure it might be fun to get a guy’s opinion again.
I’m more traditional and would definitely prefer to have said future-Mrs. take my last name. There’s no good rational logical reason for it. Simply put, it’s been done that way in both sides of my family as far back as I can go, so that tradition just feels ‘right.’ An SO telling me they didn’t want to take my last name would absolutely take me time to process before I was comfortable with it. And I feel like I might question whether the person was committed to me. It sounds so superficial, but there is something palpable about the name-change that cements everything in my head. I suspect that any potential SO would easily convince me I was being crazy for thinking they weren’t committed though.
I guess the short of it is that I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the guy to be emotionally attached to the idea of the SO taking his name. We may be becoming more progressive as a society, but it doesn’t at all mean the gender-biased traditions are gone or that they have to be kicked to the curb just for progressivism’s sake. If your BF is hesitant about you not changing your name; you probably just need to give him time.
In a bizarre twist, I started seeing someone who shares the same last name as me (very common). So for now at least, I guess this discussion doesn’t matter much for me 😉
I grew up always assuming I’d take my future husband’s last name, so it was always in the back of my mind. Once I met my now-husband, I knew it was important to him too, so we never really had a debate or a discussion. Plus, I like his last name!
I will say, though, that changing my name was not easy. I cried in the car after I went to the social security office and they tore my old card in half. It was just a really emotional process for me. It’s been five months, and I still kind of feel like I don’t know what my name is. It’s almost like I’m impersonating someone, haha. But I think over time I’ll get used to it. It was the right choice for us.
@AliceinDairyland If your feminism comments were in regards to what I said, I was refering to the overarching idea in US culture that feminists are incredibly extreme. I agree with your general definition, but don’t usually label myself as a feminist because of the way a lot of people perceive the label and what goes along with it.
@ Matthew Hmm, I think you just found a solution for me… time to break the news to my S/O that I’m gonna marry somebody with my same last name 😉
Jk, jk. But seriously, this issue seems to be all sorts of confusing for a lot of people. @Matthew, I see your point about gender-biased traditions & I appreciate your guy point-of-view– my boyfriend seems to feel that way, as some of the things he was saying was questioning my desire to even commit to him.
And thinking of traditions– I mean, I’m very progressive-minded, but I admit that a shiny diamond holds a lot of appeal. I want a gorgeous gown, but a less bridesmaid-y/groomsmen-y, speech-y, father-giving-me-away-ish gala affair for the actual wedding. Like, there are definitely certain marriage traditions I’ll happily incorporate. But the name thing! Who mentioned bureaucracy? That aspect of it is daunting as well.
Oh, & also? Since we were talking about MIL relationships on the letter today…um…dude, I don’t want to have the same name as my dude’s mother 🙁 haha. Like, we’d both technically be Mrs. ______. Actually, every married woman in the family go by Mrs. _______ (he has a big family).
Sorry if my thoughts are scattered…it’s almost 5 o’clock.
