Relationship finances advice
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Ok, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you shouldn’t move in together. When making the decision to move in, you have to already have a very solid foundation and trust each other and be able to talk about money without it getting really weird. There are trust and communication issues here that need to be addressed before you make a commitment like this. If he’s not comfortable moving in with you with your name on the lease and paying the rent each month, he’s not ready to move in. Put the brakes on.
Totally agree with Kate. Even without the problems, you’ve been dating for such a short time that moving in together in a place that you both know has a 6-month time limit on it feels very hurried. Back in my dating years, I dated two women who both lived about a half hour’s drive from me. That isn’t at all an extreme distance. Frankly, your bf seems to be projecting his own immaturity onto you. Despite the age difference, you seem quite a bit more mature than he is and even describe him as spacey, which he seems to use to his advantage in conveniently forgetting very significant planning conversations. He could be that spacey, or it could be gas-lighting. Neither is a promising thing for your relationship.
“but this whole things seems off and I don’t want to be taken advantage of, even though I don’t think he would screw me over.”
Yeah, this definitely seems off.
There seems to be zero reason why your name should not be on the lease. Does he even give a reason why it can’t be? The obvious reason definitely is the one you told him, and you shouldn’t discount it: that it gives him the opportunity to toss you out whenever he chooses and keep what’s left of your half of the rent.
Another possibility: he thinks 3 month’s rent plus half a security deposit is a big investment for you and that by forcing you to make it upfront, he ties you down and you can’t leave. Why? One reason might be that he intends to do none of the cooking or other housework and fears you would just walk, if you hadn’t given him all the money upfront. Have you discussed and agreed upon how you will share the housework? If not, you have to. I’d have concerns about an almost 30 guy, who’s still living with his mom. He’s used to being taken care of.
But, the big question is how can you even consider an intimate, live-in arrangement with a guy you know (because he told you) doesn’t trust you not to screw him over financially. You realize how little he thinks of you if that is the thought driving this decision. He claims to see a future with you, but ask yourself: would you ever consider a future with a guy you feared was going to stiff you on 5 months’ rent? Of course you wouldn’t. Why would he?
I don’t see a future for you with this guy.
It’s also possible that the reasons he gave you aren’t the real ones. Guys do this sometimes when you press them on something, they’ll make it your fault somehow. The reasons he’s giving still don’t really make sense, and they could be to cover up a financial issue he’s having. But even if he’s being totally sincere, it’s still like, okay, if you feel that way then you are not ready to move in with me. This needs to be fair and equitable or we don’t do it.
So many red flags. Moving out for 6 months and moving back in with family is ridiculous. A stable relationship can wait to move in together till it makes sense. None of this makes sense. I’m wondering if he (almost 30!) Can’t afford rent on his own so he wants you to pay 6months in advance so he can dump you and screw you over, or trap you for the 6months because you don’t want to lose your money. Either way not a good sign. You’re in your early 20’s. Please concentrate on building your own self sufficient life and don’t give in to this dude who is obviously using you. 5 months is way to early to move in together. Because you barely know each other. Which is evident
Yeah, I think I need to put the breaks on us living together, either for a while before this stuff is sorted, or permanently if it’s not. Like you’re all saying, it’s weird, and there’s trust and communication problems obviously. Right now he’s saying he’s fine with my name being on a lease and us paying monthly. I’m not sure if he means it or if he’s just brushing me off, but either way he’s now saying my name on the lease and paying monthly is okay. I still feel like you’re all right though, put the breaks on it. Obviously have to work on some things here.
As far as housework goes, Ron: we have discussed that I would do the cooking because I really love to cook & he barely knows how / just orders take out and I try to eat healthily. He would do the dishes. He’d do his laundry, I’d do mine. He’d vacuum and dust, I’d be the one reaaaaally cleaning everything with sprays and mops and scrubs and whatnot. I’m cool with that division of labor as long as that’s what actually winds up happening.
And like Kate said, if he is being sincere he’s still not ready obviously.
I’m starting to feel like he has a financial issue he’s not telling me about? Because he keeps worrying about not having enough money to do this or that, yet he makes a decent amount (more than I do) and even though he spends more loosely than I do on fun stuff, he still shouldn’t be worrying as much as he does because he has a decent cushion. He has worrier tendencies but I know people next to broke that worry less. So now with this whole scenario, I’m thinking maybe that’s a thing? Hadn’t really thought about it before but…? I don’t think he gambles, he barely ever drinks, he doesn’t do drugs, I don’t think he has a sex worker problem.. god I hope not.. so I don’t know what the financial problem would be?
If we do move in together I’m going to push it off until next year I think. And make sure my name is on that lease and it’s monthly. And maybe I’m paying the landlord directly. And if these aren’t doable then we don’t live together.
Glad you’re putting the breaks on this. Let him move into his own place and learn how to take care of himself and learn how to clean up after himself. Do not under any circumstances offer to clean his place especially if he says something like you should clean it “to your standards”.
You can offer to cook but you should contribute but not split the cost of groceries because most things will be left over like salt, oil, etc.
But honestly, something is off here.
If someone is being confusing, it is likely that they want to confuse you. He’s nearly thirty, he’s not an idiot even if he sometimes pretends to be.
I also think his answers still not making sense and his convenient habit of being “spacey” should have you pump the brakes on more than just moving in. I play dumb when I need to, but not to my loved ones. He treats you like you’re a kid who can’t budget (when you have 3 months rent saved!)and you actually have signs that he is that kid who can’t budget, at 28 or whatever. I will tell you a lot of people project what they do/are ashamed of onto others.
Bottom line is, if he can’t talk to you about money without being weird and uncomfortable, he is not ready to move in with you, period.
And I know you “enjoy cooking” and he can’t cook, well does that means without his mommy or a gf he’ll starve? He is purposefully setting himself up to be little baby for life instead of a self sufficient adult man. You do not want to play house with a guy who wants you to do all the cooking and cleaning from the get go and doesn’t trust you with money. He honestly sounds like quite the sexist, and not even hidden.
I agree, “can’t cook” is unacceptable. I can understand maybe not loving to cook, but like, that’s how you frickin feed yourself and others. There’s no excuse. It also doesn’t really add up with his “I live at home to help out” positioning. Sounds more like he lives at home to get taken care of. I’d be highly suspicious that a person who can’t cook doesn’t pull their weight at all in a shared household. I think “can’t cook” is a red flag of being lazy, weaponizing incompetence, and probably holding onto outdated gender roles.
I cook the stupid Hello Fresh meals because it’s a nice transition from workday to evening, but my husband can cook too, and can jump in and make the meal anytime. His mom taught him to cook because people need to cook, and then he worked in restaurants. It’s fine to have one person be the primary food preparer if that’s how you like it, but everyone should be capable of cooking a meal.
I wonder why he worries so much about money if he makes decent money. He’s been saving on rent for a long time, so that is worrisome that he is loose with money while worrying about it, while also not having rent as an expense.
Yeah, exactly how is he a caretaker or staying to help them out if he won’t clean, do others laundry or cook?
