Sexting and infidelity
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“So according to you, if there is no sex there is no relationship, no connection ( either emotionally or mentally), and you are allowed to cheat ( physically or emotionally). Thanks for letting me know there is this kind of thought process also.”
I said nothing of the sort, and you know it. If this is the way you react in your marriage, by twisting words, then — yeah, things are not gonna be normal and happy.
I took the time to read your post and to ask questions. If you want to twist what I said, go ahead. If you just want people to be on your side and tell you that he is selfish, that he should have a normal happy marriage with you, despite no sex, then I guess you can find someone, somewhere, who will tell you that.
This sounds like an arranged marriage, so I am not going to comment further, because that is far outside of my cultural background.
Him sexting is the LEAST of your troubles. What would you like him to do? Saw off his dick? NEWSFLASH: You pulled one hell of a bait and switch here. Revealing your condition only after getting married. Yeah. That was pretty messed up. And that’s putting it mildly.
Just get divorced and for the love of God don’t bring any children into this fucking mess. It won’t improve things.
PS — You letter is a KiLLER example of precisely why people should have sex before marriage.
I don’t know that anything much matters beyond the very obvious conclusion that this marriage is dead. Whether he’s “justified” in sexting others, whether you setting such rigid boundaries in a sexless marriage is justified, etc. is a moot point. He’s actively sexting other women, he’s told you he’s not attracted to you or interested in any intimacy, and is half heartedly participating in doctor and therapy appointments only because of family pressure. Please stop pursuing having a baby. This is not a good situation to bring a child into. A baby will not fix things, it will make things much worse. He’s telling you loud and clear by his actions that he doesn’t actually want to become a parent with you.
I’m not sure what the cultural implications are for you if you divorce. Your choices are: accept the way things are, knowing he’s not going to change, or leave. If you decide to stay then, yeah, you need to talk to him about the sexting. But realistically you need to go in with the goal of negotiating what his sexual activity with other women will look like, not with the goal of him stopping. Because that won’t happen.
Your options are
1) Change the marriage into a fully companionate, non-sexual relationship.
Doing so will requite accepting some amount of non-monogamy. Whether that’s just accepting your husband will do some amount of sexting or if it becomes a more fully open relationship is something that needs to be extensively negotiated. I just don’t see a path forward here otherwise. Your husband says he is not attracted to you but seems to have no interest in actually leaving. Even without the physical issues you’re experiencing you would be in the same position on that alone.
2) End the relationship completely.
Are your needs being met in this marriage? Is your husband otherwise good to you? Is this marriage worth saving? There’s not a lot to go on here but what is present isn’t a great look.
Is this an arranged marriage? It looks so.
Anyway, it can’t be a “normal marriage” if one can’t have sex and the other one didn’t know and (quite naturally) expects to have a sex life.
I think that you cannot request from him to have a sexless life; that is not fair. You might discuss to open your marriage, if you feel that you can manage that, but it doesn’t look so.
You both have to get a divorce. It will be easier for you both. Don’t stay for the family, this is so sinister. He doesn’t respect you.
And yes, therapy will help you.I have a boyfriend. And we have been long distance for a little bit and im not sure if I can handle it for much longer since we very rarely get to talk at all recently. But I did something horrible. My best friend kissed me last night. Thats all that happened but I didn’t stop him and I feel terrible and I know I need to tell my boyfriend but I don’t know how. I don’t want to hurt him or lose him but I don’t know if I deserve reconciliation. We are both 20 if it matters. Do you have any advice on what I should say to him?
T – it might be worth starting a new thread since this is a separate question.
Short answer as long as I’m here, here is what you say to your boyfriend. “I can’t do the long distance thing anymore. It isn’t working for me.”
Now stop beating yourself up – what you did isn’t a great noble act, but it’s not that bad either. Long-distance relationships are hard, and are harder the younger you are. At 20 you should be actively dating in person, not pining after someone hundreds of miles away.
