Sleeping with the Dog
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My guess is that she felt that if she moved in and the sleeping arrangement didn’t work he would be willing to try something else and he assumed that if she moved in she would get used to sleeping with both him and the dog.
Ultimately he is willing to try something else but the something else is him sleeping in another room with the dog. I think she had in mind that the two of them would sleep together and the dog would move not the boyfriend with the dog. It is very hard to know ahead of time what choice you will make.
I think they aren’t compatible.
So as an example of what this should look like: I’m a super light sleeper with a dog I love. My boyfriend is a snorer who is allergic to dogs. He got a sleep apnea test and took steps to deal with the snoring; I trained the dog to sleep on her bed on the floor. We put each other’s sleep first. (He still snores, so now we usually just sleep in separate beds. Plenty of time to cuddle before and after the important business of a good night’s rest.)
“It’s also pathetic moving in or staying with someone expecting them to change…”
Usually when people are warned against trying to change their partners, we’re talking about changing their _character._ When you live with someone, yes, both parties have to make adjustments and compromises in the way they do things. Otherwise, you have one person just completely capitulating to another person and acting subservient. We all have routines and habits that need to be adapted if we live with others (who also have routines and habits).
If he doesn’t recognize this, then he is not ready for a partnership and especially not ready for kids.
Also, this is a GREAT DANE we’re talking about. It’s practically a horse, and boyfriend is saying, “What? Nothing to see here….”
If you haven’t discussed an issue that you knew was problem or deal breaker and reached a compromise prior to an event, such as moving in, then yes I find it pathetic.
If this were a problem that cropped up out of nowhere, I’d think differently. But it wasn’t.
ktfran, for most people a dog sleeping on the bed or not sleeping on the bed is not a deal breaker. Normal people come up with a compromise, such as getting a dog bed (the obvious and expected solution) or even sleeping separately (if the boyfriend NEEDS a warm body to cuddle).
Boyfriend won’t agree to either solution. I think it’s definitely an unforeseen issue. You don’t expect the person who you love and says he loves you to deprive you of a basic human need and brush off that need as unimportant.
Once he does that, however, you should move out immediately because he’s proved he doesn’t care about you. That’s this lady’s big mistake.
You both have made mistakes handling this issue. You, because you knew about this problem before moving in with him, and instead of dealing with it up front, let it fester and you didn’t address it prior to moving in. THAT should have been when the deep discussions started, that basically if he can’t get his dog under control it is a deal breaker for you to move in with him.
He is also at fault here, he has known from you since the beginning that this has been an issue for you and your sleep, yet hasn’t taken the opportunity to address it and be cordial about training his dog or getting a new bed as a compromise.
Ultimately, you need to decide if this is a deal breaker. You both clearly have hurt feelings. I think next steps are to sit down with him and have a frank conversation about why you are upset, that you aren’t not wanting him in bed (pretty petty that he claims you don’t want him in bed when you have clearly expressed your displeasure with the dog the whole time), rather the dog either needs to sleep on the floor or a better sleeping arrangement is set up. Maybe even two twin or double beds in the room.
At the end of the day both of you failed to properly communicate and work on this issue before moving in and ultimately considering creating a family. You BOTH have some work to do together, whether that is therapy or on going conversations. But if it really does come to an impasse where he isn’t gonna budge on the sleeping arrangement and help you, then it might be time to MOA.
As a former great dane owner…. yikes. There’s no way two adults and a great dane can fit in a normal sized double or queen bed. I’m a little shocked boyfriend care think to address that before they moved in either. Lots of sandpapering over the cracks with these two.
I think dudio is being a giant douche. I am an animal lover, vegetarian for a decade and owner of two awesome doggos. I love them more than my own life. But my partner has insomnia, so we trained them to sleep in their “houses ” (crates). I can’t ever imagine putting my desire to sleep with them above my partner’s actual health. Just, no. I mean, should they have discussed it before moving in, yeah. But she gave it a real effort and it’s not working. If he seriously can’t make a change here, she can have zero expectation he will have her back or compromise about other issues. Is he normally a selfish person? Is it common for him to disregard your needs? Or is this a weird anomaly in an otherwise great relationship. The pouting and moving into another bedroom while refusing to compromise is a red flag and I agree it’s time for counseling or a change in location
I completely disagree with everyone blaming OP by saying “but you KNEW this was an issue!” When normal adults move in together, they understand there will be some unexpected adjustments and compromises. She tried adjusting, still can’t sleep. How could she have known it would be such a battle? Sure, there’s a lot you need to get ironed out before moving in together – finances, goals, etc., but I would NEVER have thought to have a formal talk with my boyfriend about our sleep differences – because it’s kind of a wait-and-see thing, and the assumption is we’re both coming at the issue in good faith as a problem we can solve together. This is on the boyfriend 100%.
