Okay, so my parish had an all-day event today to celebrate 50 years of existence. A big milestone.

So anyway part of the event included a catered lunch in a church hall. I know the caterer and have had problems with them in the past, the first time being at an event hosted by another parish and the second time being at a funeral I worked. Both times involved him being rude to people with special dietary requirements e.g. vegetarians, vegans, and gluten-free people. I have also noticed the people he is rude to are normally ethnic natives or women.

Well when he won the bid to do the catering for the event, I sent an email to the rest of the Parish Council and had a meeting with the Senior Minister in which I voiced my concerns. Subsequent to that, the caterer was sent an email outlining that there should be a warm, filling meal that was suitable for all and was advised about how we expected guests and congregants to be spoken to. I was not entirely happy with this solution, but as the catering did not fall under the portfolios I manage in my role, I decided to leave it at that. The only reason I mentioned it at all is that an email was sent out asking for final approval regarding his bid to everyone on PC.

So anyway, this brings us to today. My mother, who started attending the church when I was appointed there as part of my training is gluten-free and the caterer, despite being told to, did not provide for the gluten-free and when my mother asked the guy what was gluten-free, he was extremely rude to her, while she was standing next the national leader of one of the three Protestant denominations present at the event.

When my mother brought it to my attention I was naturally angry, but decided to deal with it after the event took place and went to go sit down to calm down. However, I was seated close to the buffet table, so could still witness the cater’s interactions with other guests, and while I was sitting there, the caterer began to chastise a native man with facial tattoos for taking a dessert before eating his mains, like the guy was a child. If a grown man wants to eat dessert first, let him!

At this point, I felt something had to be done about this before this man was rude to anyone else present. Being rude to my mother, who was a member of the congregation, was one thing, but being rude to an outsider who had been invited to celebrate the event with us was too far.

Not wanting to bother anyone else in leadership about it and ruin the event for them as well, I went up to the caterer and pulled him to one side – out of earshot of anyone else but still in the hall. Once we were to one side, I put out my hand and re-introduced myself to him and explained that this was the parish I worked in and that I was on the Parish Council; then I politely told him that I had witnessed his behavior to some of the people in attendance and that one of the people he had been rude to be a relative of mine. I then asked him to be more polite to the guests and told him that I was keeping an eye on him. He then apologized, and we parted ways. His behavior improved, and I enjoyed the rest of the day.

Now fast forward to when I got home. I had a message from the Senior Minister saying that we “need to talk”. I messaged back and asked what about. He responded by saying, “you berating the caterer in front of guests”.

I then tried to call him, couldn’t get a hold of him, two minutes later he called me.

Somewhat animatedly, I will admit, I explained what happened. He then said to me that was not what he had heard and that a congregation member had complained. He then added that he was more inclined to believe them because I was coming off as defensive. At this point, I passed the phone to my mother (she was there because she was picking my dog up to take for a walk with hers) and told her to tell him how the guy had treated her. She then calmly explained what had happened to her, and then after having the phone handed back to me, I explained about the native guy as well.

The minister then conceded that the caterer was in the wrong, but I still should not of “had a go at him”. I then explained to him, now for the second time, that I did not so much as raise my voice to him. He then repeated the accusation that I had done this in front of parishioners, WHICH I DID NOT DO!

It is now at this point that I lost my temper with him, and I will admit I yelled through the phone about how I had handled the situation. Not having expected me to lose it as I did, he hung up.

I don’t often get angry, but he was, essentially at this point in the conversation, calling me a liar. Which is something I was finding very upsetting because I see him as a mentor and the idea that he would think I would be dishonest in this way was hurtful in the extreme.

I came to faith later in life. This minister was the minister who baptized me, was there for my family when my Dad (she still wants me to call her that) transitioned to her true self, and after being called to a different parish, invited me to train in his parish when the one I was in began to discriminate against my father. He is someone I respect greatly, and I am hurt that he thinks I would embarrass the parish or him in this way. I owe a lot of who I am to his mentorship, and the parish has helped me financially, emotionally, and spiritually through my training. I would never hurt either of them. The only reason I did not involve him was that I felt it was something I could handle on my own, and I didn’t want to ruin the festivities for anyone else.

The worst part about this whole thing is that the congregant who laid the complaint has chosen to do so anonymously, so I will never know who has tarnished my name in this way. I am very angry and hurt that someone would spout these lies. I find this whole thing very cowardly, which is what is pissing me off the most.

I feel like one of two things has happened. An older person who resents me because of my age and for having a leadership position in the church has lodged a complaint against me, having perhaps witnessed me pull him aside, and is now making up stories. Or this caterer may have a friend in the congregation who has laid a complaint against me in fear I may take this matter further, as this is the third event, and have this caterer banned for all parish events and perhaps all denominational events in our region as well. I wasn’t planning to go further, but now I am inclined to, I don’t like having my character assassinated.

After hanging up, my mentor has since messaged me, apologizing for calling my integrity into question and explaining he understands why I lost my temper. He also apologized for assuming that what one person told me was the absolute truth and for calling my professionalism into question. He did, however, still accuse me of being emotional in how I dealt with it and that I should have waited until the event was over.

I will admit I am emotional at present, but because my character is being assassinated, not of the original event. It was over as far as I was concerned.

The Senior Minister now wants to have a discussion on Tuesday, and I am too sure how to handle it. Some advice would be appreciated. I will also add that I am in my third year of training out of 5, so it is not like I am a complete novice who is throwing weight around. He is also constantly saying to me that if I see injustice in the church, I should call it out, so I feel like I did what he has trained me to do.