Update: “Come and Knock on My Door” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Come and Knock on My Door,” the 39-year-old woman who was having a flirty thing with her next-door neighbor – usually across their shared backyard fence, but sometimes at one of their apartments, and even resulting in some kisses. And then this: “Today I was visiting some friends and when I came home at 8 p.m., whose car do I see parked outside??? His ex-girlfriend’s!!! So, I realized he is not really into me, or he’s a narcissist, or he takes advantage of the fact that I confessed feeling attracted to him! I now understand I have to keep my distance from him, but how do you that with your next-door neighbor? And should I tell him I need to keep distance from him? Should I tell him we should no longer share more time together? For the sake of my well-being, and the sake of his fractured relationship with his (ex)girlfriend?” Her update, below.
I was going through some dark moments because I’ll be 40 in less than a year, my last serious relationship, which ended three years ago, was toxic, and people from work say that I don’t give men a chance when the truth is that not a single soul approaches me and shows interest in me.
So, yeah! That’s your update! Another spinster who already owns two cats and that’s all I see in my future.
If not a single soul approaches, it could be because you’re intimidating or you send out vibes that you don’t want to be bothered. If there are men you’re interested in, you should show interest in them, maybe ask them out. You could also tell these people from work that you’re interested in dating someone and if they know anyone who’d be a good match for you, you’d love to meet them. Let people know you’re available, cultivate an air of availability and interest, turn your light on, and quit thinking of 40 as some sort of death sentence. There are lots of benefits that come from being a woman in her forties!
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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People can smell desperation. I suggest to stop caring about getting a partner, and start nurturing your own life. Like becoming a really interesting person.
It is more likely to attract someone in a positive wavelength if you are gravitating the same. Wendy’s advice is right, but don’t make it the central purpose of your life right now. Love just happens in the moment it has to happen, and pouring too much time and effort in strategies to find it, is a recipe for disappointment and resentment.
Yikes!! Honestly, if you consider yourself a “spinster” whose future consists of being branded a crazy cat lady, others will, too. Why not be a single, independent 40-year old woman who loves cats and has, like, literally any hobby or interests besides trying to land a man? Surely, there is something you like to do? Some interests you have beyond dating? Take a class in something you find interesting. Join a meet up group. Volunteer. Live your life they way you want and, even if you stay single forever, you’ll still love it. Maybe even too much to give any of it up for a man.
Yikes. I think that seeing being single at a certain age as being shameful is going to do more to hurt you than help you. Not just for yourself, but it puts way too much pressure on any potential romance. My stepmom found her dream man when she was in her early 40s. But I seriously doubt that would have happened if her mindset was that women who are in their 40s only have value if they are with a man.
Try to really and truly enjoy being single for a while.
Confession. I, too, have been getting the old — “you need to go out more! Expand your horizons! say YES to more dates. Blah, blah, blah.” Um, okay. Sure. But the reality is one can’t “yes” to a vacuum.
Hang in there, LW.
Yes. With respect and admiration to Wendy, long-married people do not understand what being single in this period of life is like. OP, the neighbor thing was messed up, but you’re not necessarily doing anything else wrong. “You can’t say yes to a vacuum.”
Check out A Single Serving podcast for an authentic conversation about being single at this life stage among people who are experiencing it.